Saturday, 25 April 2015

What To Expect When You're Expecting (A General Election)

Hey ho kids, in case you haven't been paying attention, there's a bloody election on. As we enter the final stages of the campaigning, with so many different white men (and two white women)  vying for your attention it can be hard to follow it all. What follows is a handy guide for tuning out the droning of politics, and still having a rough idea what the over enthusiastic person in a coloured rosette has just said. Think of it as a Mystic Meg style prediction of what the major parties are going to be bitching about 
 for the next two weeks.


  The Conservatives

  Cameron’s government has been taking more and more hits of late, with damning evidence about how austerity has driven thousands to food banks and poverty. With UKIP defectors on all sides, their traditional voter base in the Home Counties and other awful, terrible places being eroded by the encroaching purple mass, the Tories have their work cut out to sway enough voters this May. 

 After the sterling performance of Nicola Sturgeon and the widespread condemnation of the Conservative’s immigration policy as A: Failed and not strict enough B: Failed and draconian C: Really Fucking Illegal, the Conservatives (along with a certain Daily paper which is often Mailed) are in full Colonial Panic. Vote for them, or certain doom will come to you and your hedge fund portfolio, at the hands of rebellious Scots.

Also, check out David Cameron hiding behind BorisJohnson to deflect the public distaste, which currently ranks the Prime Minister with Anal Bleeding in popularity.

What They’ll Be Saying

  • “Please look at Boris Johnson.”
  • “Please stop talking about food banks.”
  • “Look at Boris, he’s funny! Olympics!”
  • “Bankers are our friend.”
  • “Have you met Boris?”
  • “We aren’t UKIP!”

What Everyone Else Will Be Saying

  • “You’ve starved people to death.”
  • “You’ve abandoned people to drown.”
  • “You look like a blobfish.”
  • “Boris Johnson isn’t funny.”
  • “Please stop crying.”

"Oh Mr. Prime Minister, hello"


 From fending off allegations of political fratricide, (that said, how is David Miliband? Is his Twitter still updating?) to having hit pieces on his dead parents, Miliband has had a rough time in his position as leader of Labour. Though as May approaches, he has kind of stepped up to the plate, which hopefully doesn’t have a sandwich on it which someone will photograph him eating.
Picture: Jeremy Selwyn
 Since, he’s had to dance across the Left-Right divide to try and staple together enough of a vote to continue being the main Opposition. Imagine Miliband, eyes sultry and smoky, holding Middle England close and whispering sweet nothings in their ear. At the same time, an aloof and suspicious Bohemian Middle Class holds a drink at the bar, resentfully eyeing the couple. When Middle England does to the toilet, Miliband comes over, sliding his card under Bohemian’s glass.  “Give me call later,” he chuckles, “after I’ve ditched the mule.”

Also he has a visible erection.

What They’ll Say

  • “We’re not Commies.”
  • “We’re totally Commies guys.”
  • “We love immigration! We hate it though.”
  • “The working who?”
  • “Food banks! Austerity! Iraq War? No, doesn’t ring a bell.”
  • “No we’re very different than Cameron. For example, he wants to privatise the NHS. We probably don’t. But don’t tell anyone.”

What Everyone Else Will Say

  • “You’re a Communist.”
  • “You’re not a Communist anymore!”
  • “Ed Miliband looks like the baddie from Shaun the Sheep.”
  • “Moderate Tories? Really?”


There's no point me typing anything about UKIP because we already know about their rise to fame and subsequent bollocking it up by being racist all the time, yet still being popular. Though it is worth mentioning how Farage, an ex-City Banker, public schoolboy, career politician has managed to convince large swathes of the population he is none of those things.

What They’ll Say

Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall

Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall
Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall
Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall
Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall
Pictured: Toad of Toad Hall

Oh they also poached a hell ton of Labour voters, as the left has simply failed to convince an increasingly-pinched and underworked working class that immigration is any way helping them. Even calls to regulate employers paying a lower wage for migrant labour hasn’t’ made a difference to the man on the street who is seeing his skilled trade union disbanded in favour of casualised temporary work. The irony that a bunch of ex-Tories lead by an Etonian City Banker have managed to portray themselves as the voice of the alternative is not lost on me, as I carve a drawing of Farage rimming Thatcher into the walls of my house in a fugue state.

What Everyone Else Says

UKIP do a really good job of this on their own to be honest.

Green Party

The “Green Surge” is kind of retreating, but at least Natalie Bennet can remember her policies when questioned now. The Greens are trying to occupy the space on the Left that UKIP do to the Right. How well that is going is kind of debatable, (for example, this infographic which showsthat in their ‘homeland’ of Bristol, UKIP still got more votes in one districtdespite spending no money campaigning whatsoever.) but this is still the strongest the Green Party has ever been.
  Probably the only party to actively oppose any public cuts or increasing immigration controls, there’ll be a fair bit of “Party with a heart” stuff and describing themselves (fairly accurately) as the only true Leftist alternative in British politics.
  They’ve been weirdly quiet about the environment, maybe in an effort to shake of the tree-hugger image, maybe because they feel like we all get it now. They love trees and hate metal. They do get bullied a bit whenever they release policies though. Maybe because some of them sound like they're banning rabbits and cars.

What They’ll Say

  • “Yes I am serious about representing the Green Party.”
  •  “We are not all mad hippies.”
  • “Some of us are mad hippies and that’s O.K.”
  • “No we won’t steal your children’s rabbits.”
  • “No we won’t ban cars.”

What Everyone Else Will Say

  • “Stop threatening to steal my kid’s rabbits.”
  • “Will you legalise marijuana?”
  • “Can you legalise marijuana?”
  • “Mate you want to buy some puff?”

The Lib Dems



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