Sunday, 15 February 2015

Some Of The Dicks I Had To Deal With While Working In Customer Service (Part 2)

This is a continuation (hence the part 2) from an earlier series of tales into how people are dicks to customer service workers. Here's the link. I'd probably read that one instead, as it's got the better content, since these stories are the stragglers. Enjoy it anyway.

So we shall now continue down this shit coated road to further understand a little more about why people are such idiots. There aren't many dicks in this next segment, but never fear, because in their place, there are more than enough examples of people being morons. This series of short stories will focus more on people's terrible excuses and their general incapability to plan their own lives.


People lie. That's fine. Lying is a helpful tool for getting out of stuff that you don't want to do. That makes it infinitely more honourable then, when people decide to tell the truth. Lying is so easy and effective, that telling the truth is arguably an irrational thing to do. It's social Seppuku. It's an honourable way to end things, but that honour also brings with it, your ultimately failure.

So when people tell the truth, it means one of two things. Either it means that they don't want to gain anything from the situation, but instead want a clean conscience. They know that in being truthful, they won't get the things they want, but in light of their own self worth, the pain is worth it. Alternatively, it means that someone's actual reason is so good, that the truth is the most effective way to get the thing they want. Any lie they could tell wouldn't have nearly as much of a beneficial outcome as lying, and so in this instance, honesty becomes the rational choice.

Only an idiot would tell the truth when neither of these outcomes apply. My next two stories involve people who both wanted to be honest, but also get what they wanted. Unfortunately, they didn't take into account that the truth was shitty and made them look retarded.

Pro tip: If you're going to try and get sympathy, don't put yourself in a situation where you're unsympathetic. I had a call from one guy who said he wanted to cancel his gym membership because he had built his own gym.

Apparently, this gym was more than some milk bottles filled with rocks and an old piece of wiring hanging out of the wall to pull on. This was a proper gym that the guy had decked out in his house. His reason for cancelling was that he now had his own gym and he didn't understand why he had to go to the other one down the road. He even boasted about it a little, as if I would be impressed by this and in sheer respect I would simply risk my job to help out this great guy.

I explained to him that being a rich, short sighted dumbass wasn't a reason for cancellation, but he thought I was being unfair and tried to make me feel guilty about it. After all what a shame it was that he had so much. It would be the equivalent of a complaining you have too much food at a banquet.

Post script: I got called a prick.

In a similar case of 1% problems, another person tried to break my heart by telling me that if I continued to chase for payments, then their new horse would die.

It turned out this person had just bought a prize show jumping horse, the details of which I was filled in on explicitly. Upon hearing the news that I wouldn't be closing an account due to reasons of having no foresight, I was told that if I was now morally accountable for that horse's life. The horse would die if I didn't cancel the account and I would be held responsible for any damages that came to the horse's health due to her poor decision making.

I think this system of accountability is an interesting one though. I think if anyone ever gets caught downloading child porn, the thing to do is point the blame at your Internet service provider for allowing you to access it in the first place. It was sure effective this time, so I'm sure it'll work again.

Unfortunately, the client made two wrong assumptions before taking on this discussion. The first error she made was in thinking that she was right. The second one was that I give a shit about a horse. They're just pretty cows. We put cows in slaughterhouses, cut them up into slabs of meat, and then fully aware of this information, I eat and enjoy it. So feel free to kill the horse. Next time I'm building Warhammer figurines by myself, I'll be glad for the glue that I had a hand in creating.

This happens more often than it should. Many people have tried to cancel because they're having a wedding. I get a lot of hate from these. People act like in denying their right to cancel because they're having a wedding, it's a direct and personal attack by me on their wedding.

I don't hate their wedding. I don't care about their wedding. I want them off the phone as soon as possible and if I could delete every last customer from the system, then I would. People fail to realise this and so take anything that goes against their baby desires as a personal throw down.

People also fail to realise that a wedding is by choice. Medical emergencies are a surprise. Deaths are a shock and redundancy comes from nowhere. No one ever woke up one day and realised that they were having a wedding. Obviously alcohol intake the night before can skew that reality slightly, but for the most part, people agree when to get married. You cannot arrange a big party and then get angry when the rest of your life continues to exist outside of your mad fantasy.

What was their plan? Would they be calling up the gas company next, explaining that they couldn't pay the bill this week because they wanted an oversized cake. Why not fill up a basket at the supermarket and casually stroll out the door with the promise of an IOU because you need to demonstrate how much you love your partner by shelling out on a ridiculously expensive dress that will only be worn once.

Shit, I want a PS4. Maybe I can forgo on the council tax for a bit until I've paid off the console and a few games to make it worthwhile.

At the very least they could show some respect and get pregnant to cancel the agreement. But I think to teach them a lesson, I'll only accept accidental pregnancy, bought on by wine and impatience.


This one deserves a category to itself because to this day it is the single most stupid thing I've ever heard.

A medical mystery of House MD proportions was dropped on me one day when a member called up asking to cancel the gym on medical issues. When I asked for what the issue, the member couldn't name the disease itself. The problem was so rare that it had no name. All she could recall were the symptoms.

They came whenever she exercised and were a major cause of concern. They included exhaustion, tiredness, shortness of breath and muscle cramps. Luckily being the diagnostician I was, I was easily able to deduce what the issue was. It's called being a fucking idiot.

Under what circumstances is that a fucking surprise that exercise makes you tired. I suddenly felt the need to go to the doctor myself. Every word she spoke made me want to slit my own throat with a nearby ballpoint pen. I wonder what it could be.

I can only imagine just how confused they must be on a daily basis, mistaking any number of things for medical issues. Whenever she closes her eyes to sleep, she thinks she's dead. Every time she gets under a hot shower, she's suddenly confused about why her body hurts. When somebody points, she stares at the finger.

Sure enough though, the doctor signed a medical letter and it arrived a week later. Maybe next time I want to cancel my broadband contract, I can get a doctor to confirm that my feelings of low self worth after watching pornography is in fact a medical condition.

What really bothers me though, is the lack of care put into the reason. She must know it's stupid I hope to God she knows it's stupid. I know it's stupid. If you're going to try and get out of something then at least be creative. It's the laziness that really bothers me.


I've complained a lot about people not having excuses. I like when people take the time to lie to me and make it fit. That's why I respect this next man. This excuse took nuts and he saw it all the way through.

When this guy called me to tell me he was homeless, I was immediately happy to help. Alarm bells should have rung at the fact that given his situation, the first thing he'd done was spend his money sorting out his gym. Even stranger was how he was even making a call to us.

It's hard to prove homelessness though. After all, the best proof I can think of is to send me the letters that you're not receiving, which he was doing right then and there. So I decided to call the owner of the gym for advice.

The big twist was, the homeless guy was renting the room above the gym. This guy was right on enemy lines and played the riskiest hand he could. It didn't pay off at all and he got caught out immediately, but I respect his lack of shits given.

Many would complain that there are too many lies in the world. Too many people doing everything they can to get ahead. I think the opposite. People are terrible liars and many more don't even bother in the first place. I think a good lie should be rewarded and praised. After all, it's a form of creation and if it pays off well, a type of ingenuity.

I think that should be praised.

Anyway, that's all the tales I have that are interesting at this juncture. I hope to have more, but in other ways, I also hope to not work in customer service long enough to get more. If there is a point to this, it could be something along the lines of, be nicer to customer service workers. But for the moment, to avoid it getting preachy, I'll leave the moral as, people are dicks.