Thursday, 30 January 2014

Empowerment Songs Are Terrible And Are Continuing To Run Out Of Ideas


Empowerment songs are nothing new. Of all the things that you can sing about and get the average Joe on your side, then what better to sing about than average Joe topics like falling in love, or becoming rich or just feeling better about yourself for just being you in spite of having neither of the aforementioned nice things that would mean that you actually had something to feel better about. 

So empowerment songs are nice and profitable standardised morale boosters. One size fits all gruel that everyone can take from your song and lie to themselves that it was a good song, when in fact it just massaged the gaping fear of inadequacy that they and everyone else feels every moment of their fleeting lives but never actually confronts and so sedates with alcohol, empowerment songs and other people's misery in soap operas that they can compare with their own misery and so feel superior in comparison.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Cynicast #13 - A January Retrospective and The Predictable Oscar Nominations

So everyone, one of these hasn't been released in a while, which would explain why it's lazily been placed as a January retrospective, without any real references to specific events, but it seemed easier to do that rather than dump everything that had happened during January in the title. So I'll dump it here instead.

For the few of you whoa actually watch this, then enjoy, because there's some alright chatter about Xboxes and Playstations and how dull the Oscars is, and many other recycled opinions to hopefully keep you entertained for the running hour. For those of you who don't watch this, then there's alot of other things to do, here and not here, for you to busy yourselves with.

So if you want to here us chat about the Oscar nominations, discuss the Candy Crush Saga lawsuits and talk about how Microsoft has been bribing Machinima to promote its console in the most deceitful of ways, then please enjoy this next hour of your sorry, miserable, but hopefully temporary life, that you can shit away further by listening to this.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Man Of Steel: The Franchise: The Train-Wreck

Man of Steel One: There Should Be Only One

Okay, so I stand by about one thing I said in the discourse that occurred between Me, Harvey and Simon when Man of Steel first came out, Man of Steel isn't a terrible film. It might be a bad film however. It might be the worst film of the year in the same way Frozen might be film of the year; despite not being technically, artistically or structurally the worst (the latter is being generous however). But as every film is partially defined by the context it is released in, then I can vouch that no film was as crushingly disappointing, bland, mediocre, a waste of significant amounts of talent, budget and time as Man of Steel: Henry Cavil Chest Hair Edition.

Get it, because the Sequels suck? This took 45 seconds in Paint, be proud. 

Zack Synder, Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer put their heads together backed by the substantial economic backing of Warner Bros/DC with what should have been a clean slate and THAT is what they manage to do. 

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Exploring The IMDB Pages Of The Creators Of Terrible Children's Films

If you read my last article you saw that I was talking about bad children's comedies, usually staring an animal of some kind, and briefly glimpsed into how disappointed the makers of these films must be with their careers. This sort of led me on a life tangent where I started watching a few terrible children's films that I found on Netflix. One of these was Spymate, which follows the classic format of taking an occupation where the protagonist has to overcome some kind of competition and then just dumping a chimp into it. It's a modern classic and at a breezy hour and 20 minutes, feels a lot longer, so you get even more terrible movie than you went in expecting to get.

But having seen this film, I was curious about who made it and so went to IMDB. I was met with a pleasant surprise because the director and writer actually had a profile that had both a picture, some career details and more credits than simply a few episodes of a poorly received TV show; with their one failed attempt to break into film writing dumped in the middle. In this gold mine I found Robert Vince and Anna McRoberts, two film makers who seemed to not only have worked together on every film they've ever made, but also seemed to have solely been making unfunny children's films about animals doing human jobs over the past decade.

So out of having nothing else really to do, as well as an urge to take the piss out of people, I thought I'd take a quick look at some of the stuff that this shit chimp laden kid flick machine of a team has produced over the years and basically treat it unfavourably. Along with an under layer of also trying to work out why they have let their careers turn into solely making these movies and how they can be happy with this.