Christmas is approaching as it is prone
to do and with it come the familiar sights of sounds of terrible
weather and people constantly remarking that they can't believe it's
Christmas again. As Christmas is apparently the only thing that
knocks most people out of the waking coma that they've been stuck in
for the rest of the year, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to make it an
extra special time of year.
Unfortunately you're most likely an
adult, so you can't make anything without the fear of looking mental.
You have a low paying job, so you won't want to buy anything
particularly fancy and like many people, you don't actually know your
family well enough to get anything of actual sentimental value.
My
family have avoided this awkwardness by introducing a fair and
charitable system into our Christmases. We each come with a ten pound
note, sit at the table and then each pass our money to the next
person clockwise to us. The entire table has then received a gift,
but with no overall loss to any individual family member. At that
point we then stand up and leave the room, avoiding all contact until
next year's festive meeting.
It's a great system. No one has to make
anything, no one loses any money and since we all love money, it
fulfils the sentimental quality that all good gifts need, without
requiring spending time together and discussing our various likes and
dislikes.
But if you can stand to breath in the
recycled air of your family and look into their disappointed eyes for
longer than a few minutes, then maybe you might want to continue that
trend of irrationality by giving them a gift that can't be broken
down into cold, hard units of value.
So I've been doing some digging around
and have found some actual gifts that are not only easy going on the
wallet, but have universal sentimental value, while also giving you
something back in return. So let me take a look through my big sack
of joy and see what we've got in store.
BREAKFAST AT SOME RANDOM PERSON'S HOUSE
- £0.99
General Description:
A lovely home
cooked breakfast, prepared by a random stranger, at their own home.
Sentimentality For Them:
One thing to
bear in mind here is that this isn't some fancy pants restaurant
cooked breakfast. Nor is it a breakfast prepared in a cafe. This is a
breakfast that you can buy for less than a quid, and then have the
pleasure of driving all the way down to Stafford to eat, at what I
assume would be an early time in the morning. So why is this a good
thing again, you might ask. Well firstly, you're promoting travel to
the lucky family member, a multiple in a lifetime's chance to visit
the locally famous West Midlands. They'll also get to meet new
people, who may or may not be dangerous.
But most importantly it'll be a new and
exciting dining experience. People would thank you for a multitude of
other original dining experiences. You'd get a thank you for taking
them to the new Ethiopian restaurant in town, simply because they've
never had it before. They'd be risky enough to try potentially deadly
blowfish in a Japanese restaurant, so why should they also not enjoy
dining with a potentially even more deadly Staffordian. Sure they may
have undercooked the parasite infested bacon and the bodily fluid
levels are high enough to force the Food Standards Agency to set up a
quarantine zone, but all the while that they are vomiting up their
meal, held prisoner in the basement of their mentally disturbed host;
they can't deny that it wasn't an experience.
What's In It For You:
Luckily, there is
also the chance that the breakfast maker might be mental and end up
killing the family member who is stupid enough to travel for it. This
doesn't have to be a negative thing in the slightest since it will
save the trouble of having to think of what to get them next year,
other than a simple bouquet of flowers that you can whack on the
grave and head off without fear of offending anyone by not hanging
around for an extended visit.
BOAT COLLECTION AND DELIVERY SERVICE -
£1.00
General Description:
A bloke with a
truck who will come and transport your boat anywhere you want for
less than a cup of coffee. Or at least I think that's what it is,
since that seems to be a terrible business model.
Sentimentality For Them:
Even in the
worst of times, there's nothing better for the spirit than knowing
someone believes in you. Belief is a strong force. The very belief
that there is any meaning behind anything is the thin shield that
protects everyone from tearing out the oesophagus of anyone nearby,
robbing a bank and escaping to a private island somewhere in the
Caribbean surrounded only by slaves and whores that you've captured
along the way.
So the gift isn't simply a cheap and
useless service that your boatless family member can feel offended
at. It's an endorsement. An endorsement that one day they will have a
boat and that one day a strange man in a van, working oddly cheap
rates, will come and move that boat for them. And it was your
unshaken belief in that future, that would have helped them realise
it.
What's In It For You:
Now I don't want
to keep going down the family member gets murdered route, but given
that this guy can travel and doesn't have to risk committing the act
near his own home, this could be a likely outcome. See the previous
section for all the benefits that this can bring about.
Also you won't actually end up losing
any money since you won't actually need to buy it in the first place.
There's no receipt sent to you to prove that you've bought it and
your family member will most likely forget about it and would never
have the boat transport needs to force them to ever take you up on
the gift. So just tell them you bought it and get all the love,
without any of the minimal cost.
CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE DESSERT RECIPE, ONLY
FOR COLLECTION FROM BULGARIA - £0.10
General Description:
A closely guarded
family secret for a delicious Chocolate Truffle dessert, that is
being sold off at next to nothing.
Sentimentality For Them:
There aren't
many rarities that can be bought this cheaply. Most original and rare
works of art go for millions of pounds and the only precious thing
that most people will ever make for themselves will be their
children, which can only amount to being a joyless waste of the best
years of your life. Gaining anything of value is something that you
will either never be able to attain or marred by the fact of simply
being a feat that even a teenager, pissed up on white lightning can
manage to pull off.
So what better to give to someone than
a long kept secret family recipe. They don't have to know how much
you paid for it, or even the fact that it was openly available to the
public. All they must know is that this is a secret recipe purchased
solely for them at a price of some kind.
Better yet, the item is only available
for collection. From Bulgaria. So the likelihood of them ever getting
it is very unlikely. This is good because just because it's a secret
doesn't make it good. Those stories that daddy never seemed to quite
want to indulge about how planned your birth might have been. The
inconsistent details of your partners wild nights out on their last
holiday away from you. The suspicious number of times that your mum
has fallen down the stairs during an argument with papa. Some secrets
aren't always good. Just because the truffles recipe is secret, does
not mean that it is necessarily delicious. I have plenty of secret
recipes that I wouldn't dare cook for another person out of the fear
that they might die.
If they have a problem with the fact
it's abroad, try and spice up the journey. Tell them not that they're
going to Bulgaria, but instead that they're going to the second
world. This will make the journey seem far more fantastical and
futuristic than the tedious journey it will almost definitely be.
What's In It For You:
I'm trying to
avoid the death of the family member being a positive here, but it
still works for this one as well, so I'm just going to give in and
accept that maybe this is the best outcome of all these gifts.
Anything outside of just directly hiring a hitman, who's blood money
could be traced back to you, seems to be your best shot for a happy
Christmas at this rate.
One way to avoid the death is simply
just to spend an hour or so just randomly selecting ingredients and
compiling them into a list and calling it a secret recipe. As long as
the family member thinks they got a secret recipe from a mysterious
source then they'll be happy anyway, and you'll have saved a few
pence. People have ugly and stupid children who continue to shame
them for decades and they seem to still love them, so why should your
recipe be treated with any less adoration.
AN EXCUSE THAT IT HASN'T COME IN THE
POST – MINIMAL EFFORT
General Description:
Lie.
Sentimentality For Them:
Just tell them
whatever they want to here and let them fill in the gaps. If anything
the work is all being done on their end, since the present has to
remain a secret regardless. They'll imagine any number of wonderful
gift that you cared enough to get them, whilst you can relax and have
a manageable Christmas.
What's In It For You:
Little work. No
cost. And best yet the consequences will never come back to haunt
you. After Christmas day they'll slip into their sedated state and
forget all about your lies. Then all you have to do is ignore them
for the rest of the year and pull off the same trick next year.
If all else fails and you get caught
out, just call the Post Office a cunt and get into a pointless,
drunken Christmas discussion about how the country isn't as good as
it once was, simply nodding along to all their points. Give them the
greatest gift of all this Christmas. The false belief that any of
their opinions matter.
This thing is still going? I popped in during September, I think I paid a brief visit in October and all the lights were off. In November a security guard asked who I was and would I please exit the premises, preferably without stealing the fixtures and fittings. Then suddenly here you are, Harvey in fine form once more. This is the best Christmas gift ever.
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