Sunday, 28 December 2014

A Late And Poorly Executed Message To Wish You All A Happy Christmas

Because the article is a bit of a downer for a Christmas greeting, I tried to find a picture of a cute animal involved in Christmas type stuff to make it uplifting.

But this cat just looks like it wants to be tied up in that hat and thrown into the nearest canal

Yesterday, I was ignored in a Pandora store because I was greasy and was wearing a dirty skiing jacket. I was surrounded by loving couples, it was the day before Christmas eve and walking up to the counter, I stared right into the eyes of the cashier; only for her to turn away and go and serve a nice looking couple. Because it's a jewellery store, everything is kept behind glass, so unable to purchase anything and having waited for 30 minutes, I finally left the shop and went home.

I suppose my physical appearance wasn't the best, but that wasn't entirely my fault as I hadn't showered for several days because my boiler is broken this Christmas, and having a bath in a bucket using water from the kettle isn't exactly the best experience.

I just don't understand why I was ignored. If I was that repulsive to them, they could at least have given me some nice jewellery so I could give it to someone. It wasn't for my girlfriend, but if it had been, given my current state, at least it would give her a reason to stay with me.

In a much more depressing way, the jewellery was actually for my mum, and no amount of jewellery could make her care any more. Then again, maybe they thought I was going to run away with it. It was a tiny shop and I could've bolted easily. If it had been a sweet shop or a pet store at least they could've ignored me under the assumption that I might be a paedophile looking to score some points with an adolescent.

But back to it.

Writing a Christmas Message on Cynics these days is like yelling best wishes into the void. If all the orphaned children of the world took their undelivered Christmas cards to their deceased parents and threw them into the deepest pit on Earth, they'd be more likely to have anyone read it than on this site. Especially if they were living in universe of The Descent.

But traditions are traditions and they must be upheld regardless. After all, we've lost a few traditions this year. We're letting the gays marry now and if the loss of our ability to thoughtlessly discriminate against an entire segment of society isn't the sign of the end times, then I don't know what is.

If my middle class and middle aged colleagues are to believed, apparently we're not even allowed to call it Christmas any more because of unsubstantiated groups saying we can't. I'm just glad to see that every major supermarket and shop chain and advert and person is fighting the good fight and calling it Christmas anyway. If ever there was going to be someone to be the first to stand up for freedom of speech, I had no doubt in my mind that Mr Tesco would be it.

I remember recently when the ability to show face sitting in UK produced porn was made illegal, and in my shock at this revelation, I suddenly needed budget priced Cheese balls, only to find that I didn't have any. Heading down to Tescos, I found the revolution was in full swing. Tescos had miles of banners pouring out of the shop calling for face sitting to be brought back. “If our faces can't be sat on then what are they for!”, “What are we supposed to jack off to now?”, they yelled out in rage from the walls of the reduced meat section. There were chairs with satirical pictures of faces on them lining the walls for the old and infirm to sit on, sending a message of sitting defiance that hasn't been seen since Rosa Parks took her seat on that bus all those decades ago.

So as you can see the subject of this year is hate. But then again, I don't like Christmas too much and every other Christmas greeting that's on here also focuses on hating Christmas; so that isn't too surprising of a topic.

But I think of all the people that hate the joy of Christmas the most, that trophy went to Sony Pictures for releasing The Interview on Christmas day.

I'm glad the movie was released given the entire débâcle that Sony went through in the aftermath of the hacks against them. I'm also happy that Seth Rogen and company didn't have to shelve a film that I'm sure they put a lot of effort and care into.

But I do think that Amy Pascal must've been fired from her job as head of Sony Pictures and been replaced by the Grinch, because I do think it was strange that the film was chosen to release on Christmas Day, given that the movie was withheld in the first place due to bomb threats. I'm assuming that if Sony didn't think that this was a valid threat then they wouldn't have pulled the film and stopped the première of the movie altogether.

A Christmas Day release then is the perfect time to release a movie with that kind of heat behind it. What a perfect Christmas Day it would be to have several theatre goers potentially blown to pieces. A day when emergency service response times are slowed and fewer theatres are open, so any movie goers would have to pack themselves tightly into the only available cinema in the area.

No one was killed by any bombs in the end, which either means the whole thing was made up or the terrorist's plan was thwarted by being unable to cancel Christmas dinner with their families. So in the end, the innate loving quality that Christmas brings upon the world, saved us once again. Or possibly it was just down to awkwardness and all the bomb making supplies being sold out in the Christmas shopping rush.

This being a Christmas greeting based on lazy tangents, another significant thing about Christmas this year was the lack of snow or any cold weather at all in the UK. In fact there was so little weather to talk about that the news had to fill up this gaping hole of airtime with another inane 'go to' story; this time being how much money we spend at Christmas.

Every year this story is rolled out and is treated as if it's breaking news. Apparently, it was a billion pounds that was spent on gifts this year. Who would have thought that a nation of about 60 million people all buying presents would equate to a lot of money being spent. Isn't it amazing that big numbers are big. If only one person had spent that much then maybe I would be interested.

I've been around many family members, who devoid of irony, talk about how disgusting it is that we spend so much at this time of year, while browsing through Amazon looking for gifts. I've tried to not be a part of the gift buying clan and have instead turned up to Christmases with no gifts at all, in the hope that they will greet me with open arms and praise me for escaping the life of a brand hog, sniffling about in the slop of the consumerist trough.

But instead they just got angry that I didn't buy them anything.

I think next year I'll buy a goat for a starving African family. At least they'll appreciate it.

I did end up going back for that Pandora charm in the Christmas Eve crowds. I wrapped it in time to give to my mum on Christmas Day.

But she wasn't there.

Turned out she went on holiday with her new boyfriend.

Merry Christmas.

Judgmental, overpriced, but not entirely off the mark, bastards


  1. you guys are back! It is a Christmas miracle

    1. Good sir, it was only an inevitability that I would run out of steam in real life and return here to complain. This is no miracle. It is a curse.

    2. But Merry Christmas and all that.

  2. And a Happy New Year!