Thursday, 10 July 2014

Rolf Harris and ISIS. Yeah I Know Those Things Aren't Related Shut Up


Well Looks Like We Might As Well Arrest the Entire 1970’s and ‘80’s

  Rolf fucking Harris. Rolfie. Why man, you painted the Queen. Yeah, turns out that the Jimmy Savile tactic of “dress and act like a sex predator” wasn’t a universal one, as the previously treasured Australian has been convicted of various bad things. Operation Yewtree claims another scalp from the era of glam-rock where the only thing bigger than the hair was the piles of cocaine.

Sometimes the two collided

   With the latest conviction, a man previously a more comfortable and charming figure than Stephen Fry has been proven to be gross and weird. Which lauded childhood entertainers and heroes are next? Are Bodger and Badger going to be hauled in for chaining Thai prostitutes in a camper van? Was Neil Buchanan actually getting inspiration for his Big Art Attacks from his LSD manufacturing ring powered by the kids that lost Jungle Run? Will Lizo from Newsround be killed in a shoot-out with Mexican border agents as he tries to run guns to the cartels? What the flying fuck is going on?

The face of a killer

  Paedogeddon certainly shows no pace of slowing down, as the fury of the British public at being unable to properly punish Savile (on account of him being dead) falls upon Harris twofold. With a sigh of relief, Mumsnet realised they could actually call for hanging and quartering of a living sex offender, rather than making vague threats about a dead man. Harris’ name is being rubbed off any surface it was even vaguely suggested upon, his artworks are being burnt left right and centre and a generation of parents who named their sons Rolf are now eyeing their babies suspiciously. 

"Oh so you fancy Millie in your year do you? PAEDO"

  Paedophiles are a great target. Brilliant, they tick all the boxes; sexual perversion, doing stuff to “our kiddies”, look a bit weird, can be foreign or domestic so you can point to which ever demographic you like and say “They’re all like that”, they’re top. So it’s really not that surprising that the news and general public are obsessed with them. Weirdly, there’s been a slight correlation with institutions deemed to be untrustworthy or just “bad” as the ones which have been accused and investigated for it. Catholic Church? Full of kiddy fiddlers! That Marxist cultural assassin the BBC? Chock-a-block with toddler botherers! Those corrupt politicians? Perverts the lot of them! Maybe people have always been suspicious of them because they were aware of this before it was made public, or maybe it’s easier to paint an already unliked entity as a threat to your young ones.

  I wonder if in 30/40 years our current superstars will all be unveiled to be the most odious reptiles this side of the moons of Jupiter, all their dark secrets tumbling out. It seems more likely however, that these men are the final unearthed fossils of a different age, as society seems to have gotten a lot more efficient at rooting out sexual deviants and posting them up on big screens that flash “BURN THEM.”

With any luck, this will put an end to the pissing annoying trend of everyone between the ages of 16 and 28 idolising the 1980’s like they were the zenith of human civilisation. Which would totally make up for the decades of horrifying abuse. Maybe. Not really.

Bring Back Colonialism It’s The Only Way To Be Sure

  In a turn of events that must have surprised no one, but depressed surely everyone, it turns out flattening a country with cruise missiles, invading and occupying it for a bit, causing a counter-insurgency and then fucking off again declaring victory doesn’t lead to a lasting and stable peace. ISIS (not the ones from Archer, confusingly) are a militant group who have hit the news for plunging Iraq into a newest batch of fighting and sectarian violence, while also claiming they are a new Caliphate. They haven’t claimed much land and are generally being really rational and reasonable guys.

Who the hell wears all black in a desert they must be so sweaty


Hawks have reacted in a depressingly predictable way. Half of them are screaming “We told you so, we shouldn’t have left Iraq, if we were still there wandering about marketplaces occasionally shooting a family to death this long-brewing inter-faith rivalry would have been stopped!” and the rest are smugly chuckling to themselves, “Ha ha ha, let them all kill each other. The savages. Why risk our lives?” It’s an interesting split between ideas that still manage to meet each other at the “Arabs are savages who can’t be trusted”. Therefore, logically, the only way to solve this apparent inability among the Middle East to govern themselves is by reinstating the British Mandate over them.

Pictured: The 1842 Retreat From Kabul Or; Afghanistan tells Britain to fuck off part 1

  I mean, it went so well the last time we tried it, why not again? Iraq and Afghanistan totally aren’t steaming piles of death since the last time the noble and glorious West poked it’s nose in, let’s do it again. Let’s get Imperial in this bitch, I’m talking an unwarranted sense of parenthood to the world, I’m talking lavish costumes that are more Downton Abbey than warfare, I’m talking the stiffest upper lips in the hemisphere, I’m talking being crowned Emperor of nations no one has even seen, I’m talking the best facial hair in the history of mankind.

From left to right: FUCK YEAH

  Fuck, if we’re going to act like the West is still the owner of the planet we should stop hiding behind this pussy-foot language and admit it. Britain still secretly wants to be at the head of an Empire where we can just send some redcoats wherever we deem to be unacceptably rowdy and ungrateful. There’s a brilliant track record of that.

Pictured: Alexander Burnes, who tried to control Kabul and was killed

Pictured: Charles George Gordon "Of Khartoum" who tried to put down nationalists and was killed

  Or just maybe, the people of these United Kingdoms could grow the fuck up, accept we don’t have as much pull as we used to and stop acting as if just sending in the SAS would instantly fix these deeply rooted and complex problems that stem from 4,000 years of world history. There is a middle ground between the two positions, the West doesn’t have to send in the newest batch of unemployed teenagers to die on foreign soil, neither does it have to sit on it’s hands and watch a fire it added a great deal of fuel to burn the lives of thousands more poor bastards that have the misfortune to live in that part of the world at this point in time. Instead of anchoring another carrier battle group in the Gulf and disgorging Blackwater mercenaries all over another section of the Middle East while whooping, the West should ask how we could help and more importantly if we are wanted too.

 People seem to have forgotten that ISIS are being fought not by Western soldiers, but by the militaries and militias of the Middle East. ISIS are considered too rigorous and strict even by nations that traditional narratives of the conflict have told us are all mental music haters with massive beards and a penchant for burning books. A smoking ban in a northern province of Syria led the locals to have enough and start fighting ISIS. These are nations full of people who just want to lead a normal life and not get shot at by mad people while doing so. The trend in the media and amongst the public to discuss the Middle East like they’re all a bunch of carpet-riding scimitar waving savages just makes any chance of peace more distant, while ignoring the real issues in favour of xenophobic badger-baiting.

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