Thursday, 1 May 2014

The Curious Fashion of Rick Owens

I like clothes. I'm putting that out there, I spend far too much money on clothes, I have far too many and I spent a lot of my free time gazing at lovely expensive things in vintage shops across the land. I've been to cities I've never been too before and immediately made a bee-line for the nearest musty-smelling collection of old man shirts and denim.

That being said, high fashion and it's lower-echelon equivalents really piss me off. The clothes are never that great a quality, they look awful, there's no use to them and they're so overpriced as to be a way for the rich to obnoxiously rub it in other people's faces. It costs money to look this bad.

Rick Owens is a pretty renowned and celebrated fashion designer from California. He uses a lot of monochrome and geometric shapes, and when he's in full blown art mode, can create some wonderfully strange pieces that really fit his whole deal. More for photography or costuming that clothes real people wear. For some reason, this near auteur of fashion has decided to sell some of his designs to norms through his website, where it all sort of falls apart. Join me, as I mock the life's work of a man vastly more successful and talented than myself.


Price: £445

Explain to me, please, the point of this shoe. It’s like a trainer, yeah, but with the middle bit of the sole cut out. And why? Is it to make your footprints look like some sort of strange, two-legged camel? Is this a shoe for the most paranoid survivalist, guaranteeing that the UN vaccination squads sent to take you guns away will think your tracks are that of some particularly fucked up animal, even when you’re just staring at different cheeses in the supermarket, trying to stop the thoughts telling you to bludgeon yourself to death with the gouda to escape this cold desperate life? Does the arch of your foot not press down into the gap uncomfortably? At least the designer made it lace less, when you realise you’ve spent £445 on these shaped turds you don’t immediately hang yourself. So at least there is some consideration for this consumer base, whoever the fuck has this much money and so little sense.

Price: £1,641

Do you want to look vaguely like a BDSM obsessed general from a 70’s Sci-fi film? Have you ever really wanted to wrap a laundry basket around the bottom of your coat for no fucking reason whatsoever? Then boy howdy, is this the coat for you!

   FEATURING:
  1. ·         Annoyingly long sleeves, guaranteeing you constantly roll them back slightly!
  2. ·         A weird flappy neck thing that definitely won’t make an aggravating noise when you leave it loose and it flaps in the wind!
  3. ·         A single button belt thing to tie it up, so when that shitty button comes off, you literally can’t use it as a functional coat!
  4. ·         AND THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE! Air ventilation grates built into your pectorals, so when it rains you can get a series of lines of wet on your underlayer, or a wonderfully refreshing drizzle of warm, stale water forming between you and your body!
FOR ONLY £,1641!

Price: £478
                                     
The year: 2179, global religious fundamentalist megacorporations have taken over the planet, in a desperate attempt to keep their customers docile and yearning for products, they suppress all images of the naked human form in case it incites passion or makes people realise something else can satisy than the latest Omni-Tron Ultra-Burger. Battling this censorship are a brave group of young cultural warriors, releasing the passions that run the human race through the very clothes they wear. They are few, but they are strong. They are, Nip-Punks.

Mesh tops have always been stupid, but this one the mesh is so fine that you could use it as a sieve, it doesn’t perform any of the basic clothing funtions. Keep you warm? Nope. Keep the sun off your delicate skin? Hell no, be prepared for a tiny criss-cross pattern melanoma across your pasty white torso. Protect against the elements? It will let all the elements in, and probably the more persistent insects. Display social status or taste? Well, I can’t speak for everyone but….. FUUUUCCKK NAAAWWWW.

Price: £784, it costs extra because of the zip

Okay, I take it back. Clearly there are some people whose core temperature is so high, whose metabolisms run so fast, that even the delicate kiss of the fine mesh vest cause them to sweat uncontrollably. For this, the mesh vest with zip was born. It’s good that it doesn’t go all the way down, you don’t want it to be a vest jacket, that’d just be insanity. But yeah, get loose, don’t slip your vest shirt too open when the zip is down though, people might be able to see your wee pointed nips or something and that would just be mortifying!

Price: £1,004

Finally the footwear piece the world has been waiting for! The lightness, breathability and gross toe displayability of sandals, with the grip and durable tread of the boot! Is Jesus could come forward in time, choose a specialist type of sandal, comprehend modern economic systems enough to acquire the money needed to buy this, learn to use a computer and the internet, find this sandal, buy it then get it delivered and travel back in time, this is the sandal he’d take back with him. For the pragmatic hemp warrior, who needs to travel the earth to spread the word and his gross smelly hippie seed, but has not yet acquired the build-up of dirt, dead skin and corns that enable him to do this bare foot.

I actually do question the material choice for this. Surely matt black plastic would lead to quagmire-like build-up of hot foot sweat wherever skin met plastic but I’m not a fashion genius so I don’t know.

Price: £381

 “How do we get women interested in sport?”
“Sweat-skirts.”
“What?”
“You heard, sweat-skirts. Like sweatpants , or trackie bottoms, but in skirt form.”
“You’re fucking stupid.”
“And we’ll sell it to them for the price of a second-hand car.”
“Get out of my office.”

Price: £461

FROM THE PRODUCER OF MESH VEST AND THE WRITER OF MESH VEST WITH ZIP.
 I don’t understand
It’s like the weird mesh on the inside of swimming trunks
But all over legs and feet?
You can see right through them
Then why have them so long
How do they stay on
You’d get trench foot in like a day
Unless they’re for hot places
But then why so long


You know what? Fuck you, just fuck you fucking fashion fuck. Here’s a blue cube. It’s a fashion blue cube and you can put small square things in it. You don’t own any small square things? Fuck you pleb, it’s navy and has stitching, buy our £185 blue stitched fashion cube you dumb rube .

8 comments:

  1. I knew there was an upside to wearing these orange jumpsuits day in, day out....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Remember glass shoes with a fish in them? My fish got concussed and died. Bloody uncomfortable shoes as well.

    Rock on, Butler

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. FASHION CUBE SHALL RAISE THE DEAD

      Delete
  3. The mesh look would make me look like a mosquito net on legs. Thanks fashion world.

    Good show, B.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aw, does that mean my pink bunny onesie is no longer fashionable?

    ReplyDelete