Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Our Majesty’s Scientists Recover Video Logs from Another Dimension! Theolonius Gladstone Reports.

Greetings fellow science enthusiasts, as some of you may be aware, the Magisterial Commission for People's Science recently had a breakthrough in their quantum tunneling experiments, and managed to access a rudimentary electronic interface in an existence parallel to our own! Most of the data has been secured in the Memory, but I am excited to bring you a small selection, which depicts a terrifying existence, where mass ownership of firearms is necessary to simply survive, or even to travel. Iraqveteran8888 is our guide.





   Many of the fine citizens of the Britannic Peninsula own a form of personal transport, the quadcar and French Pony being popular choices. Many of us also carry a small kit around, full of basic maintenance tools, spare change and offerings for the turnpikes etc. However, this first recovered record shows that  IV has need for more than a simple blanket and traffic cone however, as the likelihood of wounding is such that a first aid kit the size of a paramedic’s is required…


Sweet minivan


Torches, in case you get stuck at night and need to attract attention/find help…

Smaller, tactical torch optional

And a… hat? I assume the hat keeps away a flying attack or something.


But in addition to the usual basic survival stuff, and the things which stop you from dying from snow, IV and the boys have their one big tip for what you need, in your car, at all times. Keep this in your car constantly, never take it out, because it is absolutely vital to your everyday life, and you will be using constantly.



 Oh my but that is a big rifle. The need for this rifle is incase you come across “Problems. Severe problems.” What the sort of problems these gentleman are running into on the road I will never know. What sort of animals and roving bands of marauders these poor people run into I will never know. But apparently their world is cracked and shattered enough that IV has to make sure that he not only carries bullets for his AK-74, but a whole bandolier.
  
 Truly a terrifying insight into this strange land’s travel problems.

  
  From what I have read in the Current Affairs Emporiums, many of the Ex-Colonials require a small firearm in their homes, and this does not seem to change as we go into record 2. Indeed, the mirror world which we are seeing appears to only exaggerate the features of our own, as the desperate huddled masses of that once promising continent require at least 5 separate models of the latest killing technology to protect their families and property.

   And it seems as if the need to protect the family is greatly increased, as IV relays the remorseful state of affairs where many Americans may have a “little wife without much upper body strength” unable to use the larger weapons effectively. He recommends what he describes as an easy-to-use and easy-to-learn gun called a Glock-19 for their apparently enfeebled women, perhaps they suffer from a famine or plague? Certainly my own wife and female friends are not as physically challenged as it seems these doppelgangers are.

The pinnacle of upper body strength and protecting women
  
  As for stopping power, whereas we only have to contend with normal people driven to crime through desperation or circumstances, IV shows his compassion for his followers by recommending Homeguard 9mm Luger ammo, for it’s ability to act like “hollow-point devastation”. Perhaps the common criminal is more than just a normal person there, and is some sort of government commando, like those which our allies in the East deploy against the Zoroastrian insurgents?

 One would also imagine that a small handgun would be all that is required to defend one’s household from roving marauders, or perhaps a shotgun, but again, this vision of a world gone wrong proves us naïve and trusting. For the most recommended weapon deemed utterly essential to be able to protect yourself is the Kriss Vector.

Fact: Burglars come in waves, or squads.

  Like when our First Colonists accidentally triggered war with the local regimes in the Ex-Colony through a misunderstanding over land rights, we must take care if we ever meet these people. For the concept of “home defence” extends to “the car, or wherever you might need a small handy gun to put people down.”


  But what could have driven our siblings from across the planes to this frankly harrowing fate? The video log named “Proof Guns Aren’t Evil” may hold the key according to our top scientists. Within we find 3 men, clearly being held hostage, if their uncomfortable and awkward acting is any indication, trying to prove guns have never killed anyone through some bizarre pantomime.

  First off, they group around a handgun, one of them sporting a highly questionable clothing combo of a blazer and what we find to be term a “le epic meme” t-shirt, throwing insults and punches at the weapon

Ha ha gun, you haven't even got a sweet slogan on you

  Unsatisfied, they take instead to performing some obscene act of humiliation, forcing another firearm to beat the previous victim

This is the gun version of cannibalism

  In fact, the only time these men seem to be convinced in what they are doing is when they have tied a gun to a table in a bizarre mix of gun porn, torture porn, and actual porn.

Desperately trying to hide his erection


   Waterboarding is apparently used on the weapon, to no effect.

They aren't even trying to hide it anymore


   The strangeness of this video, combined with the apparent obsolete message, and scared performances lead me to believe that due to some technological marvel, firearms in this world took sentience and enslaved mankind, but were defeated and re-enslaved themselves. In an attempt to explain the sheer amount of weapons, the ruling powers put out this propaganda that people need guns for everyday life, and attempt to erase the past with demonstrations of man’s display over his guns. But the memory is still there, as the actors’ glee at being able to freely torture the tied down weapon, yet discomfort around an unrestrained one, even unloaded is tangible.
 
  The marvels of science continue to amaze.

THEOLONIOUS GLADSTONE, SCIENCE AND CULTURAL COMMISSAR BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT

7 comments:

  1. I am trying to record a little play of Paranormal, but it is one of the crashiest, slow-running, pain-in-the-arsiest things I have ever witnessed so bear with me.

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    1. What about Slender?

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    2. Goat Sinulator just got released.

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  2. The mistreatment of that little gun left me feeling slightly queasy.

    Good investigative journalism.

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    1. A lot of their videos are pretty normal pro-gun stuff, talking about media perceptions of assault rifles etc.
      But occasionally you get weirdness like "Keep an AK in your car" and "Buy a Barret M107 before the government bans it maybe" and "Let's shoot 'urban' and we mean 'urban' style for a laugh".
      They have nothing on hickock45, who is just an old dude who shoots lots of different guns at cans while telling you about it's history and giggling

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  3. I now know a market exists for gun-lover attire.

    Mind blowing.

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    Replies
    1. The t-shirt slogans tend to be on a spectrum between "Replacing other, popular slogan with a gun pun" and "Openly calling for Obama's death"

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