Friday, 28 March 2014

A Few Of The Better Spam Comments We've Recieved On The Website

Well I haven't written anything in a while so thought that I'd pop back in and dump something down to lay my mark on what is an admittedly lacking territory. Everything has been slightly derailed writing wise by the fact that I've now managed to film the short film I was making, but have now hit the even greater hurdle of having to edit, compose and special effects the entire thing; which is a mission much more tedious and less fulfilling than actually filming. This has caused two issues in that I haven't played or read anything that I can be annoyed about, while also making me less willing to edit the podcast me and Aaron made last week. This is because I have spent most of the past week in editing software and more of it seemed like a pornstar's sex life; the replacement of busman's holiday that I want to be enforced since people haven't really gone on holiday by bus in a few decades.

So in the mental equivalent of grabbing the first thing around, I was alerted by my email about a new comment on the site. This comment however wasn't one posted by one of our followers, all of who are surprisingly lucid for people on niche blogs on the net, but was instead sent by a bot. Now anyone reading this will probably not have seen one of these bot commentators, but don't be fooled that this is not because me or anyone else is so on the ball that we delete them as soon as they sprout in order to keep our precious comments area free from clutter. This clearance is all thanks to Google's amazing filtering software that manages to be able to separate a poorly translated recommendation for a malware infested big tits site, from some retard that tries to link you to the porn blog they made using the very limited communication skills that they possess. If you go on some of the more extreme subreddits on reddit, you'll know that the difference is worryingly hard to define, but somehow Google's machines are purely capable of it. I guess that just means that they understand people better than I do, which would be more worrying to me if I wasn't already highly sceptical of my ability to interact successfully with other humans.

We're going to go through the comments under the catergories of which article they were found under, just so you can get a good feel of how irrelevant they are. So given that, let's take a quick look at some of the more incoherent and completely inappropriate bot comments that have made their way onto the site, even if it was for just a few seconds.

Responses to Stolen Trailer Examination:

This bot tries the numbers game and unfortunately this time it doesn't pay off. The thought was there, writing a comment about games on a half bit pseudo gaming blog was a good bet, but unfortunately he gets too specific with the topics. I don't know what part of gaming we could have been writing about, but choosing the examples of Final Fantasy 3 and Sonic 4: Episode 1 and 2 were optimistic choices at best. Unless this was written after an article about a list of works of art that wouldn't be mourned if the Nazis returned and continued their art burning campaign, then I couldn't imagine how these two would ever fit together.

This is also clearly a translation and hasn't been written by an English speaker. This veil unfortunately falls down when the author tries to get a little sophisticated in the last paragraph, asking you to “examine the spindle and eye for foreign objects like lint, hair, and so forth”. Sage advice maybe, but not entirely relevant and slightly undermined when it follows the first act of even mentioning the name of sonic without any sign of negativity or random keystrokes as the writer has leaned forward to spit angrily at the screen.

Then at the end, like all kind and giving bots, he offers us a link to his combo PS1 and DS emulator, which is one hell of a bargain bundle, which for some strange reason is called South Beach Fishing. I guess it's no stranger of a working title than Durango. Of course I won't be finding out if this is the case because inconveniently I like my computer to actually work, and I think at the point where you've made your emulator site less trustworthy than the most fucked up porn links that I'm happy to click, then you've really messed up making a good impression somewhere along the line.

This next one as you can see is quite sophisticated. Most bots would go for something simple like saying how great Mario is or how the games are too expensive, or some other easily agreeable opinion. But this one wants to frame the entire opinion through an argument reliant on the Prisoner's Dillemma.

The Prisoner's Dillemma for anyone who doesn't know, is basically a logical argument for how people can agree on a mutually beneficial outcome to a scenario but instead will still screw each other over to get ahead. The entire concept relies on the assumption that you can't trust anyone's motives and so even if both parties want the mutually beneficial outcome, it will always be more rational to take the outcome that means you get everything thing and screw over the other party, because fundamentally, you can't trust that they won't do the same.

But to get away from any notion of being funny, his point really doesn't work here. It's not a Prisoner's Dillemma because even the negative outcome (of both parties having to push forward with a next generation of hardware) has both parties still gaining. Let me break it down in diagram form.

The following paragraphs are not entertaining, if you even found them entertaining in the first place.

So here is a simple diagram of the Prisoner's Dilemma where you can see that you have two parties. Any outcome of gain and loss has been displayed here as a high or low number, for the sake of simplicity. The setup to the actual Prisoner's Dilemma is that you have two prisoner's who are being interrogated. If they cooperate and stay quiet, then they get a reduced sentence. If Prisoner A defects e.g fucks over the other guy, and Prisoner B stays quiet then Prisoner A gets off scot free and Prisoner B goes to jail for life. If they both decide to screw over one another then they both go to jail for an extended period of time, although not as long as if only one of them had been screwed over. Let's make it 60 years instead of life.

All of this of course has been broken down into basic numbers so that we can easily transition this binary of gain and loss over to my version of the Prisoner's Dilemma in the context of Sony and Microsoft releasing a new generation of consoles. This is the Capitalist's Dilemma, where no one ever loses.

So here we have my own version, which as you can see replaces the prisoners with Sony and Microsoft. So here we have two options: No next gen and Next gen. Under the bots argument that the rules of a next gen release follow the same principles of the Prisoner's Dilemma, it should be the case that the same outcomes follow. These outcomes being namely that no next gen causes both parties to mutually benefit. One party causing a next gen causes that party to gain and the other to lose everything. Both parties causing a next gen should cause a joint loss.

My chart here obviously shows one difference; that being that both parties initiating a next gen would cause a joint gain and not in fact a joint loss as the Prisoner's Dilemma scenario would assume. Of course at the moment my counter argument is nothing more than me having put higher numbers in a box, but I think it's fairly easy to argue how both parties would gain from such an event. Historically, it would make no sense for there to be be a next generation if it didn't profit. Companies don't often do anything unless it makes money, hence why there is little to no major corporations at the heart of innovation. It'll always be some minor independent company that pushes a new idea, which when a major corporation happens to notice that this new idea is taking off, will then grab hold of the idea. Hence Facebook's acquisition of Oculus Rift and Sony's Project Morpheus, which skipped the acquisition phase and went straight to simply copying the idea.

If you wanted a proper Prisoner's Dilemma then the companies would have to do something ridiculously unprofitable and risky like suddenly start investing in abortion clinics every 8 years, then the joint loss would occur if they both went ahead with such a measure. But instead both companies, oh and yeah Nintendo as well because they're still doing things apparently, are still investing in very safe future products which can only expand their market and line of products so they can sell to more demographics than ever. This is why the PS2 can carry on selling for 10 years while the PS3 can manage to turn a profit at the same time. There's enough room for both of these products and as long as the company plays their cards right and follows a good strategy, the investment is basically set to succeed. This is evident by how badly the PS3 was doing at the start of 2006 but went to go on by outselling the 360, a definite favourite in being the best selling console of the 7th generation. An accolade that even more strangely went to the Wii.

If you skipped then continue reading from here.

But that's the boring bit over where I actually critique the bot, because proving stuff wrong is fun, in a really narcissistic and bad childhood grounded kind of way. The bot's comment gets far more interesting when he goes on to hypothesise about what the next generation will be like, before linking us to his emulator of that non existent generation, breaking both my belief and the causality of time in one foul stroke.

What About Cynics Podcast #7 – Star Trek Into Bullshit:

This bot is either in the wrong place or is doing a great piss take of Star Trek Into Darkness. Aaron and I complain about the film in great depth, down to the core of the Earth, before chucking any evidence of its existence right into the fiery pit and sealing it beneath the dirt of our minds for good. The bot however doesn't feel that a simple straight up attack of the film will be enough to show his hatred of the film, the bot instead decides to liken the terribleness of the film to a crippling spinal condition. The condition he speaks off is a shitty ass movie, one that affects adults and children alike in its universal awfulness, causing its viewers with a short term pain that can last days; leaving the victim with a numbness to the world as they rethink over the mess that they spent their precious hard earned dollars on.

In a demonstration of literary technique, the bot then has the spelling and grammar of its sentences slowly begin to breakdown, before linking us to a completely unrelated website, striking visual imagery to represent the descent into madness and incoherence that the film and his mind both gradually collapsed into.

Are Consoles Really Relevant For Gaming Anymore?

This one always makes me laugh. The bot tries to pretend that it has parents in order to trick us that it's real, since our chimp brains would be confused by the idea of a bot having a father so therefore it must be a real person. But why would the bot thank his father in the comments? Yes in the second half he compliments the article itself, but aside from that what is the end game here? That his dad would randomly stumble across the comment of an anonymous account and be able to deduce that it's his son showing appreciation at how in touch he is and that would bring a small tear into his robot eye which would cause a massive electrical surge and fry all his circuits, causing him to die filled with his final computations about how loved he was by his insentient son.

Well I would have maybe believed all that had he not posted a link to his own personal home made Youtube Downloader.

Steam Summer Sale Review – Warhammer 40,000 Space Marine:

This one obviously makes no sense most of the time, which is a running trend with these things. It's friendly as well, which is one of the nice things about them, because they can't be an asshole to you and then expect you to click the attached link. This one's a bit too friendly though as it is also the only bot I could find that links you directly to porn. I guess that's one way of starting a friendship.

Unfair/Mental User Reviews of Metacritic:

Written in response to an article about people being unable to properly explain what the hell they're talking about, this one comes in full throttle, hurling any irony out the window down into a waiting stream of piss and spilt booze that trails in its wake.

Of all the attempts I've seen to be a generic response to an article, this one is probably the least fitting. I don't know exactly what audience this bot is after but it's a damn sophisticated one, possibly too sophisticated to fall for its trap. The average link clicking retard probably isn't concerned with the top heavy ratio of Pakistani SEO professionals, but you can't knock this bots optimistic risk taking.

The Wolverine Review:

This one skips making no sense and straight into cryptic. It doesn't make the same mistakes as other bad translations which was translate “hits the nail on the head” to “hits the nail upon the top”. It mistranslates the original text in such an odd and incomprehensible way that it almost tricks you into believing that there's meaning behind the words. Read it as if it's poetry from an outsider artist and you may even find beauty behind its pleas for you to click its link to Michael Kors Bags Outlet.

News – Pixar's Inside Out Confirmed:

I think we've seen enough of these. The joke that automated bots and non English speaking people will write gibberish when forced to write in English can only go so far. So I thought I'd just end on a positive note with this bot comment. It's simply just a very positive and praise worthy compliment, which hasn't been undermined by a link to a dodgy website, but mostly because the idiot that wrote it forgot to put in a link. I tried Google searching for his website but there's just so many results out there, that this Anonymous might just have to stay anonymous.


  1. I am not a bot. Have never been a bot. Have no plans to become a bot or sit the relevant exams. My unbotness is real and you could trust in everything I say if I weren't a plebian imbecile instead.

    Have a nice day.

    1. In a way we're all bots Mr Pink, following our programming. Mine is to write crap on this site and yours is respond very wittily to it.

  2. I always assumed mr pink was a bot that annoyingly slipped through.

    Good to hear from you Mr B.

    1. I agree. It's very clever design. I think it's been made to play the long game, but I'm always watching him and as soon as he even tries to recommend any kind of product, website or even idea, then I will alert the Google overlords without hesitation.

  3. Re wolverine review.

    Lubricating your nook nook fissure sounds rewarding....

    Another merry romp.

    1. Damn I forgot to make a joke about the fissue lubrication. Well caught good sir.

  4. If this article gets spam, can you make the most meta-article ever next?

    1. Lol sometimes I struggle to even write non meta articles. That might be abit optimistic.

  5. Lucid? Us? Lol.

    You do this best.

    1. Great appreciation for your greatly comment. We should meet up with my good father who show me the comment which you have wrote.

      my homepage - () -

  6. Oh, nothing. Just making your phone beep!

    You like that?

    Don't forget April Fools Day this year.

    1. Thank the lord for silent.

      I haven't forgotten it at all. I think this year we're going to be really subversive and stand out from the crowd by not posting anything. That'll show them, and be much easier.