Sunday, 28 December 2014

A Late And Poorly Executed Message To Wish You All A Happy Christmas

Because the article is a bit of a downer for a Christmas greeting, I tried to find a picture of a cute animal involved in Christmas type stuff to make it uplifting.

But this cat just looks like it wants to be tied up in that hat and thrown into the nearest canal

Yesterday, I was ignored in a Pandora store because I was greasy and was wearing a dirty skiing jacket. I was surrounded by loving couples, it was the day before Christmas eve and walking up to the counter, I stared right into the eyes of the cashier; only for her to turn away and go and serve a nice looking couple. Because it's a jewellery store, everything is kept behind glass, so unable to purchase anything and having waited for 30 minutes, I finally left the shop and went home.

I suppose my physical appearance wasn't the best, but that wasn't entirely my fault as I hadn't showered for several days because my boiler is broken this Christmas, and having a bath in a bucket using water from the kettle isn't exactly the best experience.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

The Worst Early Christmas Gift Ever - A Drunken Audiobook Of A Gareth Gates Biography

Unless you're mad or by any rational man's judgement, would be better off dead, then this gift isn't for you.

But if you are either of those things, then why not sit down and enjoy a poorly recorded, often mumbled audiobook recording that I made one late night after a few drinks (previously having been with friends).

Welcome to Gareth Gates: Talking Point, an interview conducted by Gavin Reeve. The Frost/Nixon of the new millennium.

Currently it's only the first two chapters, but who knows. There's many more sad evenings to be filled up. So maybe I'l finally get round to finishing something I start. Even if it is a shitty copyright infringing audiobook.

Monday, 22 December 2014

Franchise Fiasco: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Liverpool 2.

Quick bit of admin, I'm currently in the month long process of moving house, so between now and January expect one article a week. And yes, in case you were wondering, moving ten years of junk from one place to another is exactly as tedious as you imagine. But in between that time I went to the smallest multiplex screen in existence to see the soon to-be-exiting cinemas Hunger Games: Mockingjay...Part 1. God I hate the part system sometimes.

All your favourite characters such as Woody Harrelson, Philip Seymour Hoffman and...??? are back!

Thursday, 18 December 2014

How David Cameron's War On Porn Is A Threat To Freedom


The UK is a bit of a juxtaposed mess of Liberalism at the moment. Within a year gay marriage has been legalised, yet within the last month, strict regulations have been brought down on UK produced pornography. There look to be significant changes to the law granting greater control over people's right to die, and yet it is now quite common to have many websites blocked by your Internet Service Provider, if you're surfing the net in the UK.

You might read those and think that I'm being uneven comparing the right for terminal patients to commit suicide in order to ease their own pain, and the fact that now women can't ejaculate on camera in a UK produced porno. You'd be right in noticing that these two things have nothing to do with one another and it's ludicrous that they should ever have to be compared.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Let's Watch A Random Foreign Soap Opera - Detective Di Renjie (Chinese Soap)

I suppose in many ways this has become one of my favourite activities to waste away my mostly quite dull life. We continue on our journey/poorly executed attempt at learning/ignorance as we watch a Chinese soap opera about a detective Di Renjie and his hi-jinks in olden day China.

Having been perplexed by the story, I can't give you any hints about what to look for. So you're on your own there. Bonus points if you can even work out who the hell Di Renjie is. We got it down to 3 blokes.

Remember it's not racist if you smother it under the guise of trying to be entertaining.

Cynicast #16 - Pirate Bay Shut Down And The Pope Claims All Dogs Go To Heaven

It's back. But does anyone care? That's for our 2 listeners to decide amongst themselves.

In this episode we're going into some of the more notable proper news stories this week. We look into Pope Francis's claims that all dogs go to heaven, and talk in detail about the Pirate Bay closure. We also discuss the poor current state of UK censorship in general.

Then moving far away from actual news, we also chat about the mess that has become the Assassin's Creed franchise and finish with a bit of the old JJ Abrams attacking.

Hope you enjoy it anyway. We're getting closer to our goal of only releasing these on the weekend. Tuesday night is close enough for now.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Some Videos An' That: Interstellar Discussion And Another Look At Random Foreign Soap Operas

The general plan from now is to release a video every weekend, but unfortunately recent obstructions, such as laziness and slow internet, prevented this from being the case.

We haven't done much in a while, but if anyone is still remotely interested, here is some new content.

The first video is an Interstellar Discussion where we critique how little we liked it and how we thought it was generally a mess. This is spoiler filled obviously.

The second is the third look into a foreign soap opera, this time looking into Nigerian culture, and predictably, not understanding it all too well.



Thursday, 4 December 2014

The Abrams Patrol: Star Wars VII Trailer Autopsy

So I’m back as well after that rather long hiatus, and I won’t lie to you chaps, in the time since I left things in popular culture have gotten rather dire. Uninhibited by our constant podcasts about how he sucked, J.J Abrams has managed to put out a trailer to Star Wars VII. Now I know this is what I get for taking a sabbatical but don’t worry, I'm dedicated to fixing this problem, together every few weeks we will work through the schlock that JJ is producing with Star Wars and Star Trek in the hope of shutting him back in the Pandora’s Box he loves so much. Now without further ado welcome to The Abrams Patrol.


Gabe No! Get away from that man, Half Life is too good for him.

Trailer Overview

Trailer: 

Monday, 1 December 2014

Christmas Gift Ideas For The Cheap, Greedy And Sociopathic


Christmas is approaching as it is prone to do and with it come the familiar sights of sounds of terrible weather and people constantly remarking that they can't believe it's Christmas again. As Christmas is apparently the only thing that knocks most people out of the waking coma that they've been stuck in for the rest of the year, wouldn't it be a nice gesture to make it an extra special time of year.

Unfortunately you're most likely an adult, so you can't make anything without the fear of looking mental. You have a low paying job, so you won't want to buy anything particularly fancy and like many people, you don't actually know your family well enough to get anything of actual sentimental value. 

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

A Few of Butler's Favouritest Fighting Females

Despite the many graphs and memes made by members of /r/redpill, men aren't the only ones who fight in wars and conflicts. Women have been involved with fighting for centuries and here are a few of the ones I find most interesting or think should be shared. It's by no means an exhaustive list and leaves off at least two of the biggest ones (Boudicca and Joan of Arc) but I hope you find them as inspiring/admirable/ballsy as I did.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Rolf Harris and ISIS. Yeah I Know Those Things Aren't Related Shut Up

BAD SHIT HAPPENING EVERYWHERE YO

Well Looks Like We Might As Well Arrest the Entire 1970’s and ‘80’s


  Rolf fucking Harris. Rolfie. Why man, you painted the Queen. Yeah, turns out that the Jimmy Savile tactic of “dress and act like a sex predator” wasn’t a universal one, as the previously treasured Australian has been convicted of various bad things. Operation Yewtree claims another scalp from the era of glam-rock where the only thing bigger than the hair was the piles of cocaine.


 
Sometimes the two collided


   With the latest conviction, a man previously a more comfortable and charming figure than Stephen Fry has been proven to be gross and weird. Which lauded childhood entertainers and heroes are next? Are Bodger and Badger going to be hauled in for chaining Thai prostitutes in a camper van? Was Neil Buchanan actually getting inspiration for his Big Art Attacks from his LSD manufacturing ring powered by the kids that lost Jungle Run? Will Lizo from Newsround be killed in a shoot-out with Mexican border agents as he tries to run guns to the cartels? What the flying fuck is going on?

Friday, 4 July 2014

Comic Book Cinematic Universe 102: Opportunism, DC: Batman Vs Superman

So it turns out when two of your three writers are moving house, they don't write anything. As you can tell by the lack of content this was something I hadn't fully clocked onto. But now I'm here I believe they should both have internet back by the end of next week. If not then heaven help me. My next article was going to be out a few days ago and all about Robin Thicke and Rolf Harris, but I've decided I fancy something lighter than that barrell of laughs so expect that next week. Back to Comic Books. 

I refer you back to the mythical chart. Top Right today.

Also, what better day to cover the all-American Man of Steel himself than American Independence Day? I imagine the answer is literally any other day because here in Britain the closest we will get is those snide comments about how it was actually signed on the 2nd, or how we burnt down the White House once, or occupied New York for a few decades, which actually makes them sound quite bitter on reflection. I also have a bar shift tonight, I will report back as to whether I have any Independence Day revellers, or indeed revilers. I could definitely write an article on the weird drunken confiding I've had already. 

Sunday, 22 June 2014

By White People, For White People: Butler Explores Unnecessary Electronic Music Genres from the Last 4 Years



Ey up, what's good? I done been busy with various real-life things, but here's a hot slice of Hipster Guide. Electronic music has blown up in the last few years, and merging with social media and an increasingly internet-obsessed demographic, has led to some weird genres with unique characteristics. Come with me and I'll show you 4, namely Sea Punk, Witch House, Nightcore and Vaporwave. It'll be an education and you can learn a bit about how I live my life and how hard it is.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Prague, UKIP: Newark and the Disputing the Rise of the 'Fourth Party'

So with UKIP topping the European Election polls with a staggering 11% of the British Public behind them, showing that a depressing two thirds of people just literally could not be bothered to vote for their international democracy, the world seemed a darker place. Farage's smug mug was literally everywhere, the chance for shots of him happy at a pub skyrocketed, and attempts by the Lib Dems to copy this (presumably for the opposite reasons) came off as horribly awkward as you'd expect.

Incidentally, Me, Butler and a plethora of my Uni associates also happened to be going on a trip to the Czech Republic at the time, which made the whole thing seem like some sort of reverse Munich Agreement.

Pictured: Butler, Front, Pipe. Chapman, Back, Bad Jacket.
Not Pictured: Waves of Laddish UKIP supporters.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Microsoft Ditches the Best Halo Games, Or; Scraping a Personality From Where There is None

Halo 5: Guardians, apart from continuing the current trend for everything with a title needing a colon, looks set to continue the story of the Xbox Mascot, Master Chief. Why has this quite literally faceless space marine become so popular, and why has Microsoft cut ties with the two finest instalments in the series, purely because they don’t feature The Big Green Dude?

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Comic Book Cinematic Universe 101: Opportunism, X-Men

Oh man, I bet you guys thought this was going to be about the European Elections. Well, so did I, then I realised I'm way too bummed out, and perhaps even TOO cynical to deal with that right now. So we are taking a break to focus on something lighthearted and meaningless before we get down to the crippling rise of exclusionary politics that threatens to halt all liberal progress. So until that time, lets laugh at some fatcats trying to profit off of Comic Books and how it should and shouldn't be done.

Welcome to Cinematic Universe Continuity 101: First Lecture, Opportunism.


Here is a handy graph that took me all of 5 minutes to make, so you can bet I'll use it a lot. 

So Opportunism in and of itself isn't a bad thing. Germany took the 'opportunity' to reunite at the end of the Cold War and that worked perfectly well, and some of the greater achievements of Capitalism have been based on opportunism. The ugly side also exists, both of that Capitalism comparison and, to name a very relevant one at the moment, the aforementioned political opportunism of UKIP and other parties. I noticed during X-Men: Days of Future Past that it had definitely filled the hole I had been looking for while seeking to make a unified theory on Cinematic Continuity. You can take the fact I had time to plan this article 2/3rds of the way through the film as a minor indictment of its pacing issues. 


Spoilers ahead, but like, nothing mind blowing 

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

When Game Developers Drop The Ball: Incompatible Game Mechanics


My grandfather told me something a long time ago that never left me. I was sitting with him in the pub, him drinking his pint of bitter and I, at the tender age of 7, was eating my small packet of crisps and drinking a strong shandy due to the bartender owning a pub in the countryside where people give much less of a shit. We had been in silence for a lot of the time, when suddenly a stranger entered the pub and received a lot of unsubtle glances from the patrons of the pub, including my own grandad. The man, who was not remarkable in any memorable way walked through the bar area and sat down with his male companion in the corner of the pub away from our own table.

My grandfather stared at me from across the table, leaned in and told me that the man who had just entered was a queer and was a blight on the village. He went on to inform me that being in love with another man was a thing that only dirty bastards did and that if I ever thought of doing anything like it then I should be expected to be disowned by the family faster than I'd known what had hit me.

In the years that followed I came to the conclusion that my grandfather might not have been the wise sage that he had appeared back in those days, and in some ways was in fact quite an intellectually stagnant and irrational old and bitter fool. But even though our opinions on the gays have changed since that day, there is one element of his words that I can never disagree with.

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Butler Falls Off Trains in: Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy

Steam did a banging sale because of May the 4th, so I picked up some old Star Wars games I haven't played before/played in ages. Video of Jedi Academy after the jump.

Expect:
  • Lightsabers
  • Cutscene insulting
  • Acrobatics
  • Failure
  • Germany erasing the Star Wars theme from the opening because hahahahaha fuck those guys

Sunday, 4 May 2014

UKIP: The Rise of Xenophobia. A reprise to the infamous video.

Hello everybody, I return to you now, at the turn of the tide. After one month and one day of silence my dissertation is in and a third of my exams are done, so I can stop panicking and get back to writing. Thanks to Harvey and Butler (who definitely do not "blow" or "suck") for picking up the slack. Especially Butler who had the exact same workload as me and somehow managed to do that AND write AND play more games than I managed to. Truly he is a modern day Achilles.

So now that I'm back I spent some time thinking: "What should my first article be on?". I had had some requests in the comments and e-mails (chapkatsu@whataboutcynics.com) to do an article on my dissertation, and I think I might eventually, but right now I don't overly want to think about Schleswig-Holstein and Danish Nationalism ever again; so we will give it a week or two. I decided to cover the topic that got the second most extreme response during WaC, namely the half a dozen death threats that came with covering UKIP. And as there is an election in 19 days that they are scheduled to win, what a perfect time to reflect on how far our - soon to be - fascist overlords have come.

When we are living in the dictatorship of God-Emperor Farage, these photos will be banned.
It is proof he can bleed. 

Thursday, 1 May 2014

The Curious Fashion of Rick Owens

I like clothes. I'm putting that out there, I spend far too much money on clothes, I have far too many and I spent a lot of my free time gazing at lovely expensive things in vintage shops across the land. I've been to cities I've never been too before and immediately made a bee-line for the nearest musty-smelling collection of old man shirts and denim.

That being said, high fashion and it's lower-echelon equivalents really piss me off. The clothes are never that great a quality, they look awful, there's no use to them and they're so overpriced as to be a way for the rich to obnoxiously rub it in other people's faces. It costs money to look this bad.

Monday, 28 April 2014

Butler’s Free To Play Shooter Round-Up; Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love PC Shooters

First off, I should make it clear that technically one of these isn’t free-to-play, I just got it free-to-play, but whatever suck it I do what I want.

Two very different shooty mans games were made free for a time recently, and I had the honour of playing them both. Warface, Crytek’s 360 exclusive military squad-based shooter, and Red Orchestra 2, a large scale military squad-based WW2 shooter, was made free for a day. Two very different games, despite my sarcastic description, my unsolicited opinion can be found after the jump.


Thursday, 24 April 2014

Snap Chatting And First Loves With A Side Order Of Bullshit


Running straight into a wall from the get go with a completely unrelated opening paragraph, but what the hell is up with hayfever? I'm in a room, it's a lovely day outside but as per the requirement of not feeling like shit, all the windows are tightly shut. It's boiling in here and I hate it, but it's the only thing I can do given that all the hayfever pills in the shop are sold out and I don't have to fan to cool the room. And yet, I'm still ill. Where is the pollen? How is it getting in here? I know pollen is small but it can't be squeezing in here. Also, I thought pollen only travelled on the breeze of the wind. I don't believe that any more. I think pollen has a covert and malicious nature to actively hunt me wherever I may try and escape.

Maybe I'm just allergic to the sun and just always assumed it was hayfever. I've spent enough time cooped up in rooms with the curtains closed for it to be possible for the sight of sunlight to have become disgusting to me on the violent physical level. But oh well, I guess today is going to be a bad day. The only solace I can take from that is that it's at least not an interesting bad day, so I can't remember it vividly enough for it to traumatize me in the future. It can just fall back in with the general mass of bad days that I can vaguely regret on my death bed.

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Social Media, Technology and People Accidentally Showing Dicks And That



With yet another amazing Social Media goof by US Airways, this time responding to a tweet about planes sometimes being slower than expected with an image of a toy plane flying where no plane has flown before, I've knocked up my thoughts on how pornography is mixing with social media, and how it could affect the web as we know it.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

WRASSLE PART 3: ULTIMATE WRASSLE


Let's Watch Some Wrasslin' Part Three: When... by butler4

In the penultimate episode, during possibly the longest wrestling match in the history of man, we talk about Spider-Man, poor wrestling tactics, lose interest, enjoy hillbillys and try to stave off death.

(Article incoming tomorrow)

Thursday, 10 April 2014

A Double Cynicast Treat/Backlog

Hello all. Usually this is the point where I would write a long piece about all the things we chat about in both our monthly (late as hell) February and (less late) March podcasts. But since there's two of them; that makes far too many topics and witticisms to have to come up with this early in the morning.

Therefore I will do half of the task and leave the two videos here. You can read what they're about in the video descriptions. Shame you'll have to click on them first though.




Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Chapman, His Mate Shaun and Butler Watch Wrestlemania. Parts 1 and 2! DOUBLE THREAT

HOLY KAKOW TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY

Wrestlemania 30 was on apparently, and we decided to watch some. I then, after about an hour, decided to record it for some reason.

I don't know a lot about wrestling, but it was comforting to see that most of the stars from when I played the Smackdown games about 10 years ago on the PS2 are still around. That, or it shows a stagnation in the industry, but it was still silly and over-wrought and American as all hell.

Videos after the jump, 2 more parts to come. Pump up the video quality if you can.


Butler Reviews: Grand Budapest Hotel, Under The Skin, The Double


I went and saw three films recently, all of them adapted from books. 

Wes Anderson's Grand Budapest Hotel, a comic adventure based around an inheritance dispute.
Jonathan Glazer's Under The Skin, a subtle and sinister science fiction about an alien abducting Scottish men in a Transit van. Richard Ayoade's The Double, a tale of a low-level corporate employee whose uninspiring life is turned upside down by the appearance of his charismatic doppelganger.

And below you'll find what I thought about them.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

The Most Irritating Internet Writing Tropes: Weapon To The Click Baiters And Opiate To The Masses


Writing for the internet is a tough deal, especially if you're trying to actually make money from it. At its heart, producing high quality free journalism on the internet sounds like a great idea. After all you have complete freedom from any independent regulator like the PCC, giving you the ability to say what you want about anything you want to. The only person you can fear offending is your audience, but solely on the basis that they won't come back, rather than having them complain to a superior body who can impose fines. Your only loss will be that they no longer read your material, which if they're offended, simply means that this isn't the publication for them.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Site Update: What About Cynics acquired by Myspace for £10,000 and a shit ton of Green Tea.

Welcome to this totally not fake news announcement, because it is April 2nd, and the only time people can lie and it be funny on the internet isn't today. So you have nothing to fear of being duped. In completely related news, we have a big site announcement.

As of March the 31st 2014, we were in intense talks with Tom of Myspace fame, primarily we wanted to know what his second name was, but secondarily we also wanted shit tons of money so we could keep doing what we've always done. While we are none-the-wiser as to his second name, or if he even runs Myspace anymore, we can proudly announce that as of April 7th this will be your new What About Cynics.

Yeah, we had no idea the Myspace logo had changed either. But three little stick figures? Coincidence, I think not. Tom Myspacesen clearly had this planned for a while.
(I'll draw a Butler one day soon I promise)

But do not worry, very little will be changing at the What About Cynics you inexplicably know and even more inexplicably seem to tolerate. Listed below are the few changes.

Monday, 31 March 2014

Let's Play: Goat Simulator

Hello lovelies, Goat Simulator was released, I have it, I love it, here's a video in honour of it. Keep the love, Butler.


Friday, 28 March 2014

A Few Of The Better Spam Comments We've Recieved On The Website


Well I haven't written anything in a while so thought that I'd pop back in and dump something down to lay my mark on what is an admittedly lacking territory. Everything has been slightly derailed writing wise by the fact that I've now managed to film the short film I was making, but have now hit the even greater hurdle of having to edit, compose and special effects the entire thing; which is a mission much more tedious and less fulfilling than actually filming. This has caused two issues in that I haven't played or read anything that I can be annoyed about, while also making me less willing to edit the podcast me and Aaron made last week. This is because I have spent most of the past week in editing software and more of it seemed like a pornstar's sex life; the replacement of busman's holiday that I want to be enforced since people haven't really gone on holiday by bus in a few decades.

So in the mental equivalent of grabbing the first thing around, I was alerted by my email about a new comment on the site. This comment however wasn't one posted by one of our followers, all of who are surprisingly lucid for people on niche blogs on the net, but was instead sent by a bot. Now anyone reading this will probably not have seen one of these bot commentators, but don't be fooled that this is not because me or anyone else is so on the ball that we delete them as soon as they sprout in order to keep our precious comments area free from clutter. This clearance is all thanks to Google's amazing filtering software that manages to be able to separate a poorly translated recommendation for a malware infested big tits site, from some retard that tries to link you to the porn blog they made using the very limited communication skills that they possess. If you go on some of the more extreme subreddits on reddit, you'll know that the difference is worryingly hard to define, but somehow Google's machines are purely capable of it. I guess that just means that they understand people better than I do, which would be more worrying to me if I wasn't already highly sceptical of my ability to interact successfully with other humans.

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Our Majesty’s Scientists Recover Video Logs from Another Dimension! Theolonius Gladstone Reports.

Greetings fellow science enthusiasts, as some of you may be aware, the Magisterial Commission for People's Science recently had a breakthrough in their quantum tunneling experiments, and managed to access a rudimentary electronic interface in an existence parallel to our own! Most of the data has been secured in the Memory, but I am excited to bring you a small selection, which depicts a terrifying existence, where mass ownership of firearms is necessary to simply survive, or even to travel. Iraqveteran8888 is our guide.


Sunday, 23 March 2014

Natalia Poklonskaya: A Sweet Part of the otherwise Unpleasant Crimea/Ukraine Crisis.

Hello Cynics, now today's article, marking the end of my essay marathon was supposed to be about films that Harvey could make next, but that has been postponed, as I've finally found an article I can write on Ukraine/Crimea that won't get me sent death threats for indulging in Geopolitics!  Isn't that swell. Also, now essays are done I can get back to replying and video uploading; full steam ahead. Anyway, so here we go, I introduce to you Natalia Poklonskaya, Attorney General of the 'Republic of Crimea'.

(Also thanks to all of you, we are now generally passing 500 views a day <3)


Now even as someone who considers himself to be rather neutral in these matters, I can't deny that Miss Poklonskaya is strikingly beautiful and looks to be quite the strong character. Ergo the Internet's reaction has been positively ecstatic towards her. Videos of her announcements have each ranked well past 300,000 views in a matter of days and it isn't just limited to aesthetic appreciation.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Five Go Christian Hunting: Let’s Read (and get mad heated about the racial and social implications of) “The Roman Mysteries: The Code Of Romulus"


No video this week I'm afraid guys, bit busy with dull university stuff. Speaking of...

As some of you may have gathered, me and Aaron both go to the same University. Next year, the campus we are both currently on is being sold off to some yuppie cunts to make into trendy twatty housing or something, so all the lecturers are having to empty their offices to move into their new ones.

An unexpected benefit to this, a lot of the books they no longer want, or the library didn’t think were needed, are now on some shelves in the SU bar, where we can help ourselves. I’ve taken to rooting through this looking for weird books, and after missing the chance to take home The Joy of Sex for One (complete with diagrams) I picked up this odd little book which seems to be The Famous Five, but with added slavery and discrimination against Jews.

Join me as I take a sojourn through it’s pages and pick apart a person’s labour of love for no real reason but spite and some forced humour. Fuck yeah!

Friday, 14 March 2014

Ubisoft, Please Get Your Market Research Out Of My Assassin's Creed


Assassin's Creed is not what it used to be. Yes it has the climbing and the hiding and the jumping off of rooftops to stab up to two people through the skull for the crime of guarding a collectible that you desperately want for reasons that you forgot many hours ago when you took on the task of opening every single frivolous chest of pocket change across the ancient land. But now it has new things added to this tried and tested and then rehashed formula. It's got boats now. Big old pirate boats where your collection of merry buccaneering NPCs sing shanties that you've collected as part of a further collectible gathering ritual and presumably bought back to the ship to teach the men to chant to speed along the journeys ahead. Journeys that will be fast travelled as soon as the option presents itself.

You may remember there being boats in Assassin's Creed 3. They were a small part of that game that was more of a small aside, and an optional one at that, an activity that the game barely seemed to care that you even play. But then people played it and realised that for all intents and purposes it was basically the only shining part in that shit heap of a finale and so the next game became all about boats.

Saturday, 8 March 2014

The National Archive: Kew Review

Hello Cynics and happy IWD, it has been a week since my birthday and 2 days since I handed in my last essay so I've decided to take part of the day off to write you an article. Also as you may have noticed I've recruited the finest specimen of an internet Cynic I know not already affiliated to the site, his name is Butler and I'll be uploading some videos of us shortly. In all seriousness the 3rd year of Uni is currently knocking me for six, I've got something like 16,000 words to write over the next month and a half. I'm going to try and do one article a week but I can't promise much. Anyway, enough dour, onto the writing.

Now here at What About Cynics we don't believe you can't break new ground, we are also realists, and have worked out that any ground that hasn't been broken by 2014 is either really hard to break, or not worth breaking at all, and we always gravitate towards the latter. As such, I give you the first ever pop-culture review of the British National Archives! (Literally all I've done these past few weeks)


Welcome to the British Star-Fleet Academy.

So The National Archives is a triumph of liberalism, a bastion of heritage, of culture and of knowledge. Here, for free, any man or woman of the British Crown can walk in and after a brief induction look at anything from who their dad killed in the war to the oldest and most treasured documents of our nation. How do you review such a fantastic waste of tax-payer money, a place so utterly white it comes with it's own lake full of swans, located squarely in the middle of London Suburbia.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Let's Play Kitty Luv

A further look into the *insert animal name* Luv series that people regularly buy me as a joke Birthday present now. I will eventually play all of them, and this is the next iteration of my long arduous journey. I'm playing this one by myself this time as I couldn't rally anyone behind it, which in hindsight makes me alot sadder than it did. 

But anyway, here it is, enjoy it if you find me playing a shit game interesting.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Welcome To The Future, Here's Your Colourchart.

Hello all. This is Billy Bob giving an introduction that Aaron forgot to add to this article. This is Butler. I've never met him but apparently he's lovely. He's one of Aaron's friends and he asked to put an article on the site, so we gave him an account to give it a whirl. So here it is for your enjoyment. Hope you enjoy it.

What Colour Is Your Future?



Despite what certain phone networks tell you, there are various options for colouring your personal future. Using pop culture and barely solicited opinion, the tools of my generation, I will present to your eyes just a few of these options.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Why Are More People Not Annoyed At How Over-Priced The Last Of Us: Left Behind Was


Just to clarify this isn't going to be an attack on DLC, not that DLC doesn't have enough problems in its numerous on disc and pay to win forms. DLC, as long as it exists without having taken anything from the original product that you bought, or simply just irrelevant skin packs, isn't of any issue to me. I can buy it if I want and I'm a chump if it turns out to be bad. Left Behind, which is the single player DLC to The Last Of Us, was one of those times where I am a chump, but not for the above reasons. It's not because of how well the game is made, as usual it was practically glitch free and was well paced up to the usual Naughty Dog standard. It was also very involving and moving as was The Last Of Us before it; a game that was easily one of my favourites, if not my favourite game of last year.

I must also quickly clarify along with my non DLC hating, that this review will contain spoilers.

Monday, 24 February 2014

The Search For Good Amateur Actors Is Difficult And Also Very Depressing; A Trip Through Star Now


So I finally decided to get off my lazy ass that's spent most of the few months of my freedom from the shackles of education, and then a decade or two before that, stuck in front of screens absorbing all kinds of entertainment that I barely remember watching half the time. I've also played some great games and seen some great films that I'd happily comprise a list of and recommend to anyone if this was a place for the discussion of goodness. But it isn't. This is a place of badness and disgust, the place to come when life spits in your face and in retaliation you sneak off to an unknown corner of the internet to bitch about it quietly just in case it hears you and does the same again.

That doesn't defend the fact that this site has now been blank for several weeks now, as there has been a lot of free time in between these bouts of actually doing something, but at least it gives some excuse. Also Aaron's lazy. Doing lots of essays for university as well, but mostly just lazy.

Anyway to get back to my reasons for getting off my ass, and it had better be a damn good reason to force that to happen, is that I'm making a short film. Well a longish short film, but a film of some kind at the very least which will hopefully be the starting off point of what will unrealistically become a career surrounding that if it turns out as something that I'm good at. But oh well, you have to strain before you know whether or not you need to shit, and shitting myself or remaining clean aside, it is an answer that is worth having. But I'm not here to talk about the project itself, but instead I'm here to talk about amateur actors and how they fit into the theme of hopeless dreams that I'm attempting to weave into these first few paragraphs.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

Poetry Corner (Returns) #12: Warmth

Hello Cynics. Today marks the return of Poetry Corner. I decided to bring it back because A) I miss having a reason to write poetry, negative e-mails be damned and B) With the new update schedule I feel we are pumping out quite a lot of words, so hopefully Poetry will mean more quality for less quantity. I'll also be using this to post up the work on re-establishing the What About Cynics Webcomic I've been doing.

The biggest challenge so far has been changing Simon to reflect his new look, everything I've drawn so far makes him look like an angry lesbian nerd. So I tried to draw him as charmingly as I possibly could and the result was... (Can't see the freckles, how sad)

He looks too nice now though, like a Disney Prince, but if I add glasses he looks like the worlds nicest serial killer. Can't win. (Ignoring the fact that this next to traditional Cynics me and Harvey wouldn't be very representative). Anyway, onto the poem.

Background to this poem: As you may/may not know I spend some of my spare time writing fiction, and one particular antagonist of a story I was writing, she was nothing major, just a fire powered lieutenant with reserves about killing. But I'd always had this scene in my head where she has like a break down as her origin story...Then I set it to song and I realised it couldn't be in the book, why can't suspense of disbelief be extended to musical numbers?

In my mind this is sung in quite a specific way, including from happy to sad etc, which is something I don't really know how to communicate. Consequently this might fall flat, but I had fun and it helped me characterise her. 

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

American Reality TV Is The Best Reality TV Because It Isn't Set In Reality


So as the title says, American reality TV being really great is what I'm going to talk for the next few thousand words. Reality TV exists in basically every country now and there must be a version of Big Brother for every nation on Earth at this point. I can't stand to watch a lot of reality television shows because for the most part, every day reality and all the people involved in it really isn't that interesting. Here in England, where the Big Brother experiment began, and then died before being resurrected by method of cattle prod to dance in its shameful death throes every night on Channel 5; reality TV is actually quite boring for the most part. I know a lot of others find it fascinating and can get into the stories of the idiots that have signed themselves up to make a quick buck off the modern day freak show, but it's just such a massive investment of time that I can't see the point in even getting started. 

Sunday, 2 February 2014

Banner Saga: Factions Review and the Candy Crush Saga lawsuit Saga about Sagas.

So this article will be split into two halves that were written about two weeks apart. I finished the second part after a particularly large Banner Saga: Factions binge and that is the review of the mechanics, art-style and gameplay, including my ideas about what the Singleplayer, called "Banner Saga", available on Steam will be like. The first part will be me talking about "popular" mobile game "Candy Crush Saga" and the ridiculous copyright law they are trying to exploit, which was partially covered in the return of the What About Cynics Podcast earlier in the week. 

Safe to say if either part interests you more, they do not need to be read together so the world is your oyster in terms of skipping my content. (Though obviously I will cry if you do) ((Dota one, rounding off 2013, will be my next article, once again this was more timely))

As you can tell they are very similar games: They both have a man and a woman on the front, and both have the word "Saga". Frankly this is the worst thing I've seen since that Chinese LoL clone.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Empowerment Songs Are Terrible And Are Continuing To Run Out Of Ideas

 

Empowerment songs are nothing new. Of all the things that you can sing about and get the average Joe on your side, then what better to sing about than average Joe topics like falling in love, or becoming rich or just feeling better about yourself for just being you in spite of having neither of the aforementioned nice things that would mean that you actually had something to feel better about. 

So empowerment songs are nice and profitable standardised morale boosters. One size fits all gruel that everyone can take from your song and lie to themselves that it was a good song, when in fact it just massaged the gaping fear of inadequacy that they and everyone else feels every moment of their fleeting lives but never actually confronts and so sedates with alcohol, empowerment songs and other people's misery in soap operas that they can compare with their own misery and so feel superior in comparison.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Cynicast #13 - A January Retrospective and The Predictable Oscar Nominations

So everyone, one of these hasn't been released in a while, which would explain why it's lazily been placed as a January retrospective, without any real references to specific events, but it seemed easier to do that rather than dump everything that had happened during January in the title. So I'll dump it here instead.

For the few of you whoa actually watch this, then enjoy, because there's some alright chatter about Xboxes and Playstations and how dull the Oscars is, and many other recycled opinions to hopefully keep you entertained for the running hour. For those of you who don't watch this, then there's alot of other things to do, here and not here, for you to busy yourselves with.

So if you want to here us chat about the Oscar nominations, discuss the Candy Crush Saga lawsuits and talk about how Microsoft has been bribing Machinima to promote its console in the most deceitful of ways, then please enjoy this next hour of your sorry, miserable, but hopefully temporary life, that you can shit away further by listening to this.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Man Of Steel: The Franchise: The Train-Wreck

Man of Steel One: There Should Be Only One

Okay, so I stand by about one thing I said in the discourse that occurred between Me, Harvey and Simon when Man of Steel first came out, Man of Steel isn't a terrible film. It might be a bad film however. It might be the worst film of the year in the same way Frozen might be film of the year; despite not being technically, artistically or structurally the worst (the latter is being generous however). But as every film is partially defined by the context it is released in, then I can vouch that no film was as crushingly disappointing, bland, mediocre, a waste of significant amounts of talent, budget and time as Man of Steel: Henry Cavil Chest Hair Edition.


Get it, because the Sequels suck? This took 45 seconds in Paint, be proud. 

Zack Synder, Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer put their heads together backed by the substantial economic backing of Warner Bros/DC with what should have been a clean slate and THAT is what they manage to do. 

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Exploring The IMDB Pages Of The Creators Of Terrible Children's Films



If you read my last article you saw that I was talking about bad children's comedies, usually staring an animal of some kind, and briefly glimpsed into how disappointed the makers of these films must be with their careers. This sort of led me on a life tangent where I started watching a few terrible children's films that I found on Netflix. One of these was Spymate, which follows the classic format of taking an occupation where the protagonist has to overcome some kind of competition and then just dumping a chimp into it. It's a modern classic and at a breezy hour and 20 minutes, feels a lot longer, so you get even more terrible movie than you went in expecting to get.

But having seen this film, I was curious about who made it and so went to IMDB. I was met with a pleasant surprise because the director and writer actually had a profile that had both a picture, some career details and more credits than simply a few episodes of a poorly received TV show; with their one failed attempt to break into film writing dumped in the middle. In this gold mine I found Robert Vince and Anna McRoberts, two film makers who seemed to not only have worked together on every film they've ever made, but also seemed to have solely been making unfunny children's films about animals doing human jobs over the past decade.

So out of having nothing else really to do, as well as an urge to take the piss out of people, I thought I'd take a quick look at some of the stuff that this shit chimp laden kid flick machine of a team has produced over the years and basically treat it unfavourably. Along with an under layer of also trying to work out why they have let their careers turn into solely making these movies and how they can be happy with this.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Emergency PSA: Hearthstone is the worst game you'll keep playing.

We interrupt the intended broadcast of a "Why Man of Steel sucked balls and MoS 2 will continue the tradition" to bring you this emergency Public Service Announcement regarding the fact that Hearthstone has gone into Open Beta. The following announcement will be Senior Cynic Aaron Chapman telling you why you should avoid playing Hearthstone at all cost, lest it consumes your very soul. Now joining him live in the field.



Thank you very much for that opening paragraph, now time to cut this joke short. 

So on Monday you will have the Man of Steel article (we are trying to run a "schedule" for how we upload articles...Radical, and doomed to failure, I know), but I feel given that the Hearthstone Beta just went from "closed" to "open" that this is as timely an article as it will ever be...And also a warning. Because Hearthstone is terrible, its aggressively awful on a few very specific points, its malignant and it goes against most of the things I dislike in game design...And yet I like it enough that I can't stop playing it.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

I Finally Found Evidence Of A Children's Film Written By An Alcoholic. Turns Out It's By Chandler



Recently I stumbled upon a film called The Real Macaw. It was during an evening where I was drunk with a few friends and felt that a terrible children's film might be a good thing to take out all my deep seated frustration on, by criticising a work that hadn't been relevant for almost longer than the period that I had been able to think that it was terrible. In my search of bad nineties children's films I stumbled upon The Real Macaw. A film that had surprisingly turned out to be have been co-written by Matthew Perry.

“Hang on”, I thought. Hadn't Matthew Perry been an alcoholic for a lot of the nineties and could this have fallen into that sweet spot of blitzed out bliss, during which he'd managed to write a children's film about a talking parrot that had been friends with a group of pirates and had then gone on to tell a young boy years after the location of a secret buried treasure. Yes, this seems like the kind of a thing that an in deep alcoholic would write.

Monday, 20 January 2014

Remembering 2013: Frozen: Film of the Year, because why not?

Now you might remember for the closing of 2012 we had an award ceremony for all the good films that came out that year. Well, you know what, 2013 wasn't a good year for films (Sans the Oscar-bait which because of living in Britain we largely don't get until 2014 anyway) and so I don't think it deserves a list. The Hobbit 2 failed to inspire the same delight as the first. Literally only two people I know bothered seeing Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine so for all its charm and grace then I literally cannot place it in a spectrum because no-one has mentioned it. I had to watch Gravity not-at-Cinemas so I feel the amazing experience everyone else witnessed I missed out on.

My Prediction (Fuck Bono)

Man of Steel, World War Z, Elysium, The Wolverine, Monsters University, Iron Man 3, Great Gatsby, Die Hard 5, Lone Ranger, Riddick and After Earth were all either disappointing, horrifically disappointing or as terrible as expected. Even Pacific Rim had major, major issues. Then you had works like Now You See Me, the 2nd Hunger Games and The Worlds End which seemed okay to begin with but fell apart rapidly in your mind the more you thought about them (Man of Steel has the dubious honour of fitting into both categories, as you'll see next article).


And don't get me started on this pile of absolute drivel. 

I genuinely thought I hadn't seen that many films this year when I started writing this, but as I went over my notes I realised I had...and they were mostly completely forgettable.

Which brings me to the hardest point I've had to make in my journalistic (Hah) career so far.


Wednesday, 15 January 2014

You Decide: Remembering 2013

Hello Cynics, as you might have already guessed, 3rd year University work has kept me very preoccupied after the Christmas and New Years period (which I actually did spend with Harvey/Simon). I've moved onto my Dissertation, which is an amount of work I literally never expected to deal with, I'm currently preparing like a "convince the professors your thesis isn't shit" presentation for Friday, but I feel I've got ahead enough of today's work load that I'd give you a choice about what I'll be writing about the moment I return from that impending disaster on Friday.

Happy New Year!
It must be nearing Chinese New Year right?

So the original plan before I discovered the depths of how much work I had to do was to write a sort of "Year in Review" piece, sort of like the Queen's Speech but with more swearing and movie references. But now that feels slightly trite, so I'm going to break up the three big pieces I was going to cover and you can either comment or e-mail me at: chapkatsu@whataboutcynics.com which you would prefer (if people are going to do it anyway I might as well endorse the process, ha, incorporated into the nominative state).

So without further ado the three things I thought were worth of discussion about 2013 were:

Saturday, 11 January 2014

People Ignoring Each Other On Their Phones. The International Disease

 

Firstly I'd like to apologise for the shocking lack of content that has been uploaded recently. A bout of coincidental joint laziness seems to have struck me and Aaron at the same time, possibly due to the fact that Christmas has created this safe zone of holiday and resting where we can escape the madness of our own everyday lives. I was happy to follow Aaron into this safe zone before realising that I, since having now graduated from University and not actually working feverishly everyday to achieve deadlines that actually matter in anyway, really have nothing to escape from. Office work is nice in that sense because as long as you do an inoffensively small amount of work then you'll just be left alone. I suppose it's kind of the same at University where Aaron lies, since no teacher will ever come to your house to shout at you so you're always competing against your own failure. In an office however, you've already sunk into that failure and so can rest easy and drift along down it's joyless road.

Of course Simon will never post anything again. Not in holiday time, work time or any time until the very end of time.