Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Stupid Lists: Five things to do without the Internet

So if you are reading this, my impeccable plan of uploading this using another persons internet has worked out and I'll have successfully uploaded this. If not I can write whatever the fuck I want here, so there is always that. To briefly surmise my internet situation. Old Victorian House = Internet Cables get wet = Internet fucks up = Aaron has to do lots of wiring and dig out the old volt'o'meter. So here is a parody of those omnipresent lists people make based on my experiences of being Internetless for the past half a week.

(I'll reply to comments when I have a stable connection at my house, so as to not waste his time)
((Assume passively I was thinking about Dota the entire time))

5: Gain a new found appreciation of your Mobile Phone!

This one is slightly cheating because it is basically a variation of the "I'd wish for more wishes" in the equivalent Magic Lamp scenario. What do you do without the internet? Desperately use any means necessary to connect to the internet of course. You want to know what helped me redefine patience. Using countryside phone coverage to browse Twitter at night. I could barely even enjoy popular comedians talk about inane shit knowing that eventually I'd have to wait for 5 minutes for it to download another 10 tweets. 

Thankfully, trying to access the internet via phone was the activity I spent the least amount of time on during this (un)eventful period as I quickly realised I only like the internet when it is fast, convenient and on a big screen. Otherwise it can really go do one. I think this was an impressive breakthrough in my overall development as a human being. 

Vodafone 3G downloads: 3/10

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

BBC Radio 2 Presents: Astrology And Other Bullshit On Steve Wright In The Afternoon

So I was driving home from work the previous Monday and was forced to listen to Radio 2. There were several reasons for this and I also have more reasons for why I don't really like radio, so don't stop reading yet because I assure you this is going to get in depth and so obviously more interesting.

With no CDs in the car and my MP3 player dead to me without its auxiliary jack so that it could play through the speaker system, I was truly in the depths of a first world crisis. How was I ever going to drown out my own nagging thoughts, which I had to be stuck with throughout my work day as they incessantly pile-drived me with accusations that “You're wasting you're life you know” and “when are you ever going to get off your ass and actually finish something that you start instead of just constantly lying to people that the reason you've never gotten round to actually writing anything of more worth than an internet article is because of formatting issues and plot details that need to be worked out, very complicated stuff, when really it's anything but and you're just a lazy piece of shit who prefers to live in the fantasy realm of his own imagination rather than actually take a risk and put any of that into practise”. Then my brain went on to tell me I had a small dick and that I wouldn't make it to the shops quick enough to get tomatoes, just to kick me when I'm down.