Thursday, 14 November 2013

The Arseholes of AI - Tricky (Starfox Adventures)


AI companions in games are usually a heavy dose of ketamine to the head for most games. Sometimes they are unresponsive, sometimes they get in the way, sometimes they get you spotted and others are just plain bad characters. But it takes a special kind of nihilism to manage to instil all of these qualities into one single character, but magnified to the point where you can no longer tell whether you're playing a game that you chose to spend money on or just some sick social experiment where you are hopelessly attempting to escape some hellish digital maze which has had the sensation of being relentlessly stalked by the virtual equivalent of a hot razor blade grinding away at your sanity programmed into it by some long forgotten madman in a pit somewhere whose only thoughts comprise of the endless suffering of all humanity and a strange desire to eat the eyes right out of his own head.

In this small series we will be examining the AI companions who managed to turn an already shitty game, into a truly unbearable one. However, if there are any main game protagonists who manage to be so grating that the even at the cost of failing the game, the prize of purposely killing them is reward enough, then I might also check them out as well. I would've included 50 Cent from 50 Cent Blood on The Sand in this, but he exists in real life so I thought that wouldn't count as much. That game's more of a biopic. Apparently.

I therefore present to you one of gaming's greatest arseholes, and by extension anyone who played a part in his creation; Tricky of Starfox Adventures for the Gamecube.

Monday, 11 November 2013

Gravity Review


I think it's just about time for a review. Finally something that not everyone hated. Here's something positive here for once. It's not exactly a cutting edge review since we saw it in the UK and it seems to have come out in every other country in the world before here, meaning that it's even more pointless than usual. But if it convinces any new people to go and watch this film instead of Thor 2, then I'll feel as if we've done a service.

Apologies for the lack of badly edited picture for the background. Just couldn't find anything circular to dump an inappropriate face onto in any of Gravity's posters.

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Poetry Corner 00: 99 Years

Remembrance day is always a strange one for me, it brings out a big internal conflict. Feel free to ignore this. 

I cannot comprehend.
I dare not try.

I am not a patriotic man
Not since youth have I been.
But I respect human life
And men who saw more than any should have seen

They did not fight for freedom
They did not have the vote. 
Now thousands are lost.
And yet politicians gloat. 

Why You Shouldn't Speed. A Tale About Just How Unforgivingly Boring Speed Awareness Courses Are


Recently I had to go on a speeding awareness course for the obvious reason that I was caught speeding. If I had gone for any other reason other than being forced to under threat of half losing my dawn years worth of driving licence then I would clearly be insane because, as I will go into, these things are more dull than a death of incontinent old age in a nursing home could ever muster.

Why was I speeding? Well I could give you many reasons. Firstly, in all fairness it was two in the morning, on an empty dual carriage way, with no pavement and I was only going at 34 mph in a 30 mile an hour zone. But those reasons aside, at it's core it's literally because I'm an asshole and don't really give a shit and believe that my self control of my car will save me in dire times. Although at the time I was also pretty damn tired and sick of driving so maybe my self confidence was slightly undeserved. And yes I've seen all the THINK adverts both on TV and giant billboards that warn me of the consequences of my actions. But it's at the point now where I've been so banged over the head with the warnings that I immediately skim over any of the billboards that don't look like they're about upcoming films and any time I see the little girl getting hit at 40 miles an hour and being left as a lifeless corpse on the side of the road I'm usually either concentrating on eating a sandwich or just fast forwarding.