Saturday, 12 October 2013

Cynicast #12: Working Out Who The Steam Box Is Aimed At and The Gimmicky Simpson's Death

Not even sure how many people actually listen to these, since really they're just an excuse to have a chat about stuff. But for anyone who does, here's another one.

Not really much else to say. I guess I'll mention that it's about the Steam box and the valve controller and The Simpsons and all our opinions relating to these things. Enjoy if you want to.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Harvest Moon: Money didn't bring me happiness

We are going to take a break from Dogging, Pornography and GTA to focus on the simpler joys in life.

Back in the dim and distant September when the weather was...actually worse than it is currently, everyone was getting very keen about one Grand Theft Auto V, and it was in that week another game was released, a game I had pre-ordered, a simple game about farming, raising livestock and rebuilding your hometown. Harvest Moon: A New Beginning.

Harvest Moon 3D, now with the noble Alpaca.

But this isn't about HM:ANB because due to I assume lack of faith in a game about farming and marrying, Nintendo only shipped 5 copies to the UK and the rest aren't arriving for another 4 days. So instead, as you do when you've been waiting to play a game and it doesn't arrive. You play the old one. Welcome to 2007's Harvest Moon DS

The Unfair/Mental User Reviews Of Metacritic


I hate a lot of games. I always complete them, but I still power on through them with a rage in my heart so deep and an urge in my fist to smash my controller into my television that sometimes as I stare blankly and unsatisfied at the rolling credits, watching with hate each progressive name of every bastard that was involved in the piece of shit that wasted almost a day of my precious one trip life; I wonder why I bothered.

But even so, no matter how much hate there may be, I'll always try, as I think any reasonable person would, to not just hate blindly. It doesn't really achieve anything and while it can be funny when played for laughs, overall it just makes you look like a whiny bitch who has no level of criticism beyond “worst game evaaaaa”. No matter how bad the game was, unless it had some glaring flaw that was of the utmost of unforgivable, then I'll try to give it a reasoned personal score out of ten that I can blurt out mindlessly to people once the memory of the actual game has faded away.

Or else you could just go nuclear on a game like a lot of the user reviews of Metacritic have chosen to do. I've always known they were there, but only really noticed how ludicrous and unfair a lot of them were when looking through the user reviews for Tomb Raider, a game that on the whole I in no way liked due to its dull story, one dimensional characters, boring level design, low difficulty and repetitive combat. But aside from those things I wouldn't say it was the worst game I ever played and nor was it glitchy or frustrating from a technical standpoint. It was just boring, stupid and didn't interest me, but it wasn't the worst game I'd ever played. But apparently to some it was a disgusting hunk of filth and an unforgivable sin that only personified the darkness that lies and guides all bad men to commit evil unto this world. Plus it had shitty shooting, which is something I can agree with.

So I decided to check out a few other popular or critically acclaimed titles that had had a similar effect on people and these are my findings.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Advertising Porn: The Hardest Job In The World


Advertising is a hard job. Unless you were one of the many twats at my secondary school whose daddies were all in advertising, then it's a hard job to get into and most of all, a hard job to keep. You're under an insane amount of pressure to make people buy something by making them think that they need your product, using only the tools of cheap gags or sexy ladies, whose bodies you're not allowed to show by law. If sales don't improve or your commercial causes any kind of wide spread offence and damages the image of the company, then you're out and some other arsehole who mistakenly believed that they're about to be let into the creative inner circle, having not noticed the strict guidelines painted in gruel on the constant beige walls surrounding the box stamped with 'insert soul here'.