Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Stupid Lists: Five things to do without the Internet

So if you are reading this, my impeccable plan of uploading this using another persons internet has worked out and I'll have successfully uploaded this. If not I can write whatever the fuck I want here, so there is always that. To briefly surmise my internet situation. Old Victorian House = Internet Cables get wet = Internet fucks up = Aaron has to do lots of wiring and dig out the old volt'o'meter. So here is a parody of those omnipresent lists people make based on my experiences of being Internetless for the past half a week.

(I'll reply to comments when I have a stable connection at my house, so as to not waste his time)
((Assume passively I was thinking about Dota the entire time))

5: Gain a new found appreciation of your Mobile Phone!

This one is slightly cheating because it is basically a variation of the "I'd wish for more wishes" in the equivalent Magic Lamp scenario. What do you do without the internet? Desperately use any means necessary to connect to the internet of course. You want to know what helped me redefine patience. Using countryside phone coverage to browse Twitter at night. I could barely even enjoy popular comedians talk about inane shit knowing that eventually I'd have to wait for 5 minutes for it to download another 10 tweets. 

Thankfully, trying to access the internet via phone was the activity I spent the least amount of time on during this (un)eventful period as I quickly realised I only like the internet when it is fast, convenient and on a big screen. Otherwise it can really go do one. I think this was an impressive breakthrough in my overall development as a human being. 

Vodafone 3G downloads: 3/10

4: Play Chess against yourself/Turn on the Radio!

I'm pretty sure it is no secret I have a fondness of Chess, and normally the Internet gives me a plethora of opponents to play, but this has been far from normal and so consequently I've been living a fairytale-esque life where I go downstairs, make myself a cup of Green Tea, turn on either Classic or Grunge FM and set up  one of my Chess Boards. I'll admit the first time it was for the sheer ridiculousness of the concept, but depressingly I enjoyed it so I did it again the next day.

Thankfully it didn't erupt into a full-blown addiction, I did learn a lot listening to Classic FM again though, I forgot that all the adverts are aimed at rich old people...I assume them being the only audience that they think tunes in. As such I was bombarded to check myself for the early stages of cancer and to take out more landlord insurances. Truly these people must live in constant fear. I much preferred Grunge FM's adverts, it was all just trainers, and this really stupid car garage that said they'd give you a free Guitar if you had an MOT with them. Jesus, society has gotten pathetic

I also re-learnt a bunch of the old Chess moves I'd forgotten over the years. Without the internet how did I manage, you ask? Turns out they are at the back of this massive Encyclopedia/Dictionary thing my parents gave me. Which I thought was pretty damn cool, turns out Encyclopedia's are like the Internet but in book form....

Life of a 65 year old retiree: 8/10

3: Chop Wood, Saw Wood, Burn Wood, Feed Chickens.

I went to find a nice picture of cutting trees and now I feel bad.

Deciding to embrace my new found technology-less state I ventured out into the garden and remembered there was that sycamore tree that blew over. I also remembered I had a bow saw and Axe in the shed and I really felt like axing stuff like I'd been doing over the Summer. So I went Honest Abe on that shit and half a days hard labour later and what had been a major fire-hazard was now a bountiful selection of fuel for the fireplace.

The chickens aren't mine, they are next doors, but they are pretty cool. It was pretty much like Harvest Moon in real life: check them twice a day, throw feed on the ground. I imagine looking after real life cows is significantly harder however. 

Frontiersman in the Great Outdoors: 6/10

2: Dig out your PS1/2 and live everyday how I imagine Harvey does!

I wish...

As you may have gathered by the topics of his last 5 articles, Harvey has every Home Video Game Entertainment System ever crafted by Chinese hands permanently set up in his room. And while my room is nowhere near big enough to allow for that to happen, I managed to dig out my PS2 and then also secure the power cable my Parents cat had completely totaled and somehow make it work.

So I got to play everything from my teenage years again, which made me incredibly happy and I could dedicate an entire article to the different blasts from the past I received over this last couple of days. Everything from Destroy all Humans and Tekken, right down to Star Wars: Battlefront, Guitar Hero and Tony Hawks Underground/Pro Skater (And of course Dynasty Warriors 4/5). Safe to say I was in my element and as I no longer had to get up to go on the now basically useless hunk of metal I call a PC, I got to sit in bed for the lion's share of the day to boot, playing all the classics of my almost definitely wasted youth.

Childhood escapism and Nostalgia: 150/10

1. Conspire with your Granddad to recover the Internet

Now I'd say I probably know more about wiring than the majority of my generation who don't happen to be engineers. However, before I decide to approach the daunting task of either fixing the Internet or fucking it up further. I've enlisted the help of my inside man. Hopefully I should have it up and running soon, if nothing else then I have a pretty big deadline in for the 28th that I really could use the Internet for. I'd also like to get back to making videos, I have two I want to upload to Cynics at the moment.

So yeah, I'm not dead. I also have a pretty cool development in what I shudder to call a "career" to do with the Internet, but I'm waiting to post that after a few articles, just to appease the insane standards I set out for myself. Hopefully next article I'll be on my own computer. 


  1. Despite clearly being written in an extreme hurry, really funny, way to turn a negative into a positive.

  2. Aaron without the internet. I feel we should be holding some sort of vigil for you.

  3. It's when you start cheating yourself at monopoly you really have to worry:(

  4. Glad you're not dead, not in any physical way anyway. Feel I should sympathise but want to laugh instead:/

  5. You could spend the time writing your epic poem.