Thursday, 10 October 2013

The Unfair/Mental User Reviews Of Metacritic

I hate a lot of games. I always complete them, but I still power on through them with a rage in my heart so deep and an urge in my fist to smash my controller into my television that sometimes as I stare blankly and unsatisfied at the rolling credits, watching with hate each progressive name of every bastard that was involved in the piece of shit that wasted almost a day of my precious one trip life; I wonder why I bothered.

But even so, no matter how much hate there may be, I'll always try, as I think any reasonable person would, to not just hate blindly. It doesn't really achieve anything and while it can be funny when played for laughs, overall it just makes you look like a whiny bitch who has no level of criticism beyond “worst game evaaaaa”. No matter how bad the game was, unless it had some glaring flaw that was of the utmost of unforgivable, then I'll try to give it a reasoned personal score out of ten that I can blurt out mindlessly to people once the memory of the actual game has faded away.

Or else you could just go nuclear on a game like a lot of the user reviews of Metacritic have chosen to do. I've always known they were there, but only really noticed how ludicrous and unfair a lot of them were when looking through the user reviews for Tomb Raider, a game that on the whole I in no way liked due to its dull story, one dimensional characters, boring level design, low difficulty and repetitive combat. But aside from those things I wouldn't say it was the worst game I ever played and nor was it glitchy or frustrating from a technical standpoint. It was just boring, stupid and didn't interest me, but it wasn't the worst game I'd ever played. But apparently to some it was a disgusting hunk of filth and an unforgivable sin that only personified the darkness that lies and guides all bad men to commit evil unto this world. Plus it had shitty shooting, which is something I can agree with.

So I decided to check out a few other popular or critically acclaimed titles that had had a similar effect on people and these are my findings.


On a Tomb Raider note, I think it makes the most sense to start where this journey all began. The first review I'm going to use is a chunk and a half of text, but read them thoroughly and I promise their stupidity and anger will be worth the read.

As always, click the images to enlarge them.

This first review is pretty easy to dissect. The giant zero there is a damning indictment of a game that I agree I didn't like, but alot of other people did and it was critically very well received, so let's see what points of disagreement this man has to bring to our attention

The game being easy is a valid point. But then just as it managed to get onto its feet, this mental review Bambi crumbles straight back down. Camera angles and clothing are two things that I think go hand in hand very closely in a game, wardrobe especially being a key component of a game that should be criticised before other less important factors such as gameplay. Especially if the clothes are from the 1930s. Stupid old bitch ass clothing like that isn't relevant enough for a game made in 2013. Ipads have been wearing that kind of clothing for ages, and you know when they do something, then it's really game over. It's writing distance is tiny as well, probably no more than about 5 inches by my estimates.

Stupid Bomber jacket wearing bitch. Wait? What?
Oh I get it, you're a fucking retard. Case closed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This second review is more concerned about Lara's hatred of tombs, which in all fairness to the game, it is a prequel, so she may not like tombs as much yet. Maybe that's a character trait that will be expanded on in the sequel. Aside from that there's no other complaints so I guess the lack of tombs lost this game 6 points off of the potential perfect score that gyigyo2 was willing to offer.

This player was broken by the tutorial itself, with the ultimate enemy not being the savage heart of man, the will to survive, nor the elements of nature, but instead the presence of a QTE featuring one button. But that one button takes the reflexes of a beast to master. A reflex speed that Tron did not harbour. However, in terms of review scores for shitty tutorials - 4/10 isn't bad.

One thing you may notice about alot of these reviews is they are described as universally unhelpful, obtaining either helpfulness scores from either 1 user (clearly the person who wrote it) or 0 users (a dumbass who forgot to upvote his own shitty review).


Bioshock Infinite is another big release of this year; a game which I personally loved. Although it was a shallow shooter, rendering alot of its vigors and guns unneeded simply due to a lack of variation in the combat, I still thought it was a blast as simply a fun shooter with a clever and original narrative.

But this was not for the negative scores of Metacritic's user reviewers to agree with. I'd like to clarify once again that I'm not taking the piss out of people who have given low scores to games that were critically well received simply because they disagree with the majority. Instead I'm looking at people that gave games low scores and then went onto explain their reasons why with the same degree of coherence as a 4 year old trying to describe a terrorist attack.

It's in that perfect little niche between anger and stupidity that you get great reasons for hating Bioshock Infinite that go from reasons such as "The story is weird and tries way too hard to be intellectual" on one line and then "Elizabet's head is too big for her body so she looks strange" on the next. And yes that spelling mistake of the main character's name was his own. These people are angry at the game for reasons that they don't understand. All they know is that they didn't like it, they have the internet to share that opinion on and they are expected to write a short paragraph showing their reasoning. Except there isn't any.

Remember when reading this that HIS RAGE IS UNBEARABLE and you begin to realize why he might sound abit fucking retarded. He's so furious in fact that he goes all the way back round and becomes polite again, remembering to edit out the swear words, leaving behind strange phrases such as "mother game" and "Elizabeth was an absolute she". She sure was. Although without the word shit or bullshit or whichever swear word he's looking for, he manages to call the ending "complete", which is a strong compliment for a game he rated 0. I also think it's unfair that he accuses Elizabeth of getting pissed off easily when he doesn't seem to be showing alot of restraint himself.

He does however manage to contain his rage to express what I think is the most important and certainly insightful criticism of the game that I've read so far.

Never forget

Criticisms from other critics range from several extremes, starting from the swift:

The Liberal propaganda conspiracy theorist:

And all the way to the unrelated:

It's at times like these that I'm actually worried that these reviews are being written by really young kids. I played violent videogames when I was pretty young but some of these read a little too young. It also leaves me in a situation where I'm just attacking small children and that makes me feel like an asshole.


Ahhhhhh man. If anyone wasn't excited for this most recent big 2013 release then they were either old or just plain crazy. This was hyped to levels of insanity and so the pressure was on for it to deliver. For me it certainly did and I personally love the hell out of this game and will cut its shaky, to say the least, online release some slack. But for some, this game just didn't quite cut it, being accused of numerous crimes such as "being a stupid American game", a serious crime due to it being developed by a Scottish company, all the way to the ultimate crime of being "too much like Saint's Row". Yeah that's right stupid GTA, stop copying Saint's Row. The one and only. The original.

Whilst many would agree that GTA V recaptured that thing, that magic that was strangely absent from GTA IV; there were some who disagreed.
Then again I think if you're dropping £40 or $60 on a massive open world game in order to solely crash the cars, then you could've done slightly more research in order to avoid that. Also you might be mentally retarded. But hey, if that's why he hates the game, then that's why he hates the game.

There were of course a few reviews that were just plain overall angry and had the added quality of reading like a GTA V review written by James Joyce.

And then came the strangest review of them all. I have spent almost an hour trying to decipher what the writer actually means and I've so far come up with nothing. All I know is that he's furious, rambling and quite possibly a German man who mistakenly believes that he's communicating in fluent English.

Enjoy my two favourite extracts anyway.

But there you have it, some crazies trying to explain why they hate something. Hope you enjoyed it. Although as much as I laughed while reading these, I was then reminded about the curse of people like us who aren't retarded, yet surrounded by all the idiots under the sun who are constantly multiplying and suffocating us with their bullshit and ridiculous opinions.

I think crazy, possibly German guy said it best when he used the phrase "The world is dead".


  1. Criticism of this article (Daily Mail reader): The standard of English in the exracts shows how incompitint Michael Gove is. Get rid of this goviment. Vote ukip
    Guardian reader: Rock on, billy the bob, let's have a pint.

    Thoroughly enjoyed this rant.

    1. I feel this has just become semi-relevant.

      I'll try proof-read him sometime as well.

    2. I wasn't criticizing billy bob's english. I wouldn't do that. He might get cross with me. He's scarey.

    3. How dare you spell scary wrong. There will be dire consequences for this.

      You're cutting satire above however has saved you. Razor sharp.

    4. And now I've made another grammatical error. I see how easy it is. I apologise.

  2. My favourite review of gta v online:

    "The one thing I can say about gta 5 online is th"

    The German guy critique made my day.

    1. lol he is amazing. I like his point about there being one "lone strip club". Not sure if this is a criticism about how the world is empty or how there are two few strip clubs.

  3. Dambed. Does that come in a single or a double?

    1. I wouldn't worry about it, it'll just make you stupider the more you spend time analysing its creators mentalness.


    1. Quality satire. As long as people's stupid opinions remain always constrained to internet review sites with a rating system below, then I'll always be a happy baby.

  5. The sky is definitely the most important part of any game. Noone wants rubbish sky.

    1. I agree, I get annoyed if sky in game looks bad. That's just a skybox so it's pretty unacceptable to have a bad still image of a sky. Not sure if gun's and sky should ever go together in a comparison though.

      I suppose since infinite's set in the sky then it makes sense that it'd be more noticeable.

  6. @maggotbrain "all the caves look the same", a sad fact of life. A bit like snow.

    Loved you article, again.

    1. lol good point. Completely skimmed over that without realising how inane it was.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

  7. Looked up Last of Us on megacritic. Noone had anything bad to say. Is this the infallible game?

    1. Really? I found a shit ton of bad user reviews. Although if you're talking about journalist reviews then hell yeah that game was universally loved. It's a shame cause the user reviews bring up some good problems with it, but just go a little too mental.