It had been a long day.
A day long and dull enough at work that I could be very annoyed at
having gotten out of bed that morning, but frustratingly not bad
enough that I could really complain about it, since it was hard by
first world standards and I hadn't been digging silver out of a
collapsing mine or anything lasting enough to harp on about. Even as
I was driving home I was filled with even more hopelessness from
outside of my own sphere of existence when I saw a shop that was a
combination between a gambling slots casino and a Quick Tan tanning
salon. Both of which were open until 2am every day. I couldn't work
out who would want a tan at 2am, but also sadly knew there was
business for it and it put me into a slump of numbness for the rest
of the journey home.
So when I got in I
needed a game to get me away from myself and relax me into sleep. I
have GTA V in the disc slot of my PS3 but for some reason I didn't
want to play it, instead surprisingly having a yearning for something
a little older and a little rougher. So I looked through the few PS1
games that I had downloaded off the PSN store but had never gotten
round to playing. Turned out the only two there were available was
both Rayman and Driver, two games that are both pretty well
remembered by most people I speak to, as well as highly regarded by
Metacritic, so I was expecting good things.
So I powered up Driver
first and the first thing that hit me was how damn slow everything
was. I guess this says a lot about a few things. Firstly it shows how
badly some of the PS1-PSN ports really are. Secondly, it also showed
me just how much more patient I was back then; my attention span now
having been destroyed by faster cpus, Subway and fibre optic
broadband.
It was however a
combination of both that annoyed me. Of course I was annoyed by the
waiting, the slow loading bar jolting its way at sporadic lengths
across the television every five minutes. The endless amount of time
it took to read my memory card every single time I wanted to save,
slowly making each low res icon appear one after the other in each of
its little memory card slots. Most games now would just show you the
relevant files, but back then it just gave you everything as if to
say, “fuck it, find it yourself”. It made me want to start saving
after a while, which was a kick in nuts several hours later when the
game crashed on me. Even the menu of the game, which has that old
classic style of menu screen where every selection is represented not
by a word on an actual menu screen, but instead as an object in a
living room, that you have to cycle through, the camera spinning
around slowly to the next relevant object. An answering machine for
the next level, a coat hanging on a door for exit, some keys on a
table for free ride and a pager for options. I actually miss menu
screens like this and so didn't mind that one so much.
But what I couldn't get
my head round was just how slow everything was. The loading, the
saving, the delay between selecting an option and the game actually
starting. I could understand why the game hadn't been reworked to
function with analogue stick since those weren't around at the time
and that would be pointless development costs, but the loading times
still being as slow as they were on a machine that could
computationally speaking, cockslap the PS1 to death, made no sense to
me. I'd played emulations before and they were fast as hell, so I
couldn't quite work out why everything was so slow.
And even away from my
annoyance at the mystery of why the loading times were the same,
everything else about it was annoying now. Driver's controls were
delicate as hell and at no point did I feel in control using the
directional pad. The AI was mentally retarded, only able to smash
into me and rules of when I was breaking law straight from some
totalitarian state. If you're overtaking, then you're dead. If you're
going to
turn right and you overshoot the road slightly onto the
pavement, then you're done. Did you just drive anywhere near me? Well I
can tell that you're a bad driver so now, you're done. I began to
imagine in my head that although I couldn't see Tanner because back
then they didn't have transparent window technology, I guessed he was
driving with his feet whilst smoking crack and furiously masturbating
just to make any of the scenarios in which the police came after me
make any sense.
My real point here was
just that without nostalgia, a lot of games just don't work if you
play them now for the first time. You can't go back to them and enjoy
them because they're either painfully slow to make your way through,
have bad controls, or simply just have been outshined by their
offspring. And that's what I found out last night.
Things have progressed and are progressing so fast that we now take for granted the speed and instant response of most games (not you gtao), and we are spoiled.
ReplyDeleteAnd that will be most boring comment of the day.
Obvious but not boring. For the most part I'd agree that it's not the world that's getting worse, just the people.
DeleteLucky you. I often feel like getting a tan in the middle of the night and nowhere is open.
ReplyDeleteI can still hear the monotonous tweet that passed for sound effects in Lego Island, and thinking it was the most amazing thing ever.
ReplyDeleteThat, and Oasis.
Some of my finest memories are playing abe's oddysee over and over again whilst having Robbie Williams going on endlessly in the background. I feel your pain.
DeleteSome things should just stay buried in the past.
ReplyDeletePokemon.
Deeply buried.
I seem to be one of the few people who would agree with this, but many will hate us for not liking pokemon. Watch your back brethren.
DeleteMy attention span is now so short, I know I'd never survive an extended power cut never mind an apocolypse.
ReplyDeleteNone of us would survive an apocalypse; our collective skills would amount to a gift for writing, gaming, in depth analysis of game of thrones and talking about pumpkins. We'd be eaten. By hungry dogs.
DeleteI had Rayman for my birthday and got into trouble cos noone saw me for the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteSimpler times.
I'm not so sure those times have completely gone, if anything they're better. I got skyrim for my birthday and no one saw me for several days, but I was not told off because I am now a man.
DeleteDid anyone else have a tamagochi and deliberately try to kill it? No? Oh.
ReplyDeleteGreat article.
Loading times were so slow so that you could churn the butter while you waited.
ReplyDeleteHappy days.
Luckily the advent of long ass install times on consoles have brought us back the pleasure of waiting around.
DeleteI just discovered my old N64 in a box in the loft, along with games. I'm like a child again!
ReplyDeleteHas Aaron been abducted and taken to Greece to live with Roma gypsies and dance for the tourists?
ReplyDeleteHaha, I deserve that, article is currently being spell-checked. Out at 3. Another two being written as we speak. Delays shall be explained. Hopefully back on track.
DeleteOut at 3. Is that a cricket score?
DeleteGot my times table wrong, turns out 6 (Spellchecking time sorry, up now)
Delete