Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Advertising Porn: The Hardest Job In The World


Advertising is a hard job. Unless you were one of the many twats at my secondary school whose daddies were all in advertising, then it's a hard job to get into and most of all, a hard job to keep. You're under an insane amount of pressure to make people buy something by making them think that they need your product, using only the tools of cheap gags or sexy ladies, whose bodies you're not allowed to show by law. If sales don't improve or your commercial causes any kind of wide spread offence and damages the image of the company, then you're out and some other arsehole who mistakenly believed that they're about to be let into the creative inner circle, having not noticed the strict guidelines painted in gruel on the constant beige walls surrounding the box stamped with 'insert soul here'.


But in the small corner of advertising, where the market of porn trailers lies, porn should surely be the easiest advertising job in the world. It doesn't take or need the tactics that any other product needs because the cheap gags are just par for the course among the gaped anuses and regret, whilst the naked ladies are the whole show and can be paraded to your hearts content within the lawless wasteland of the internet. You don't need to advertise porn in the same way that you do chocolate, because people don't need chocolate and in fact may even go so far as to never eat chocolate for health reasons. Porn on the other hand is easy to advertise because people love coming and porn is an easy way to do that. It's also incredibly hard for people to go without coming because of how much they love it and won't forgo it as much as chocolate to make themselves better people.

Porn is in theory an easy business in the same sense that tobacco is an easy business because once people start doing any of these activities they usually can't stop and will continue to do it throughout their lives. Porn exists on the blessing that people like to come but don't get to do it with other people a lot, and smoking exists on the blessing that baby's like their chemicals and will continue to hunt down your product even in the face of zero advertising and charred out lungs on the box for a welcome.

And yet porn is hit with the strangest and most individual problem in advertising that I've ever seen; this being that the product and therefore service that you wish to advertise can be obtained from the advertising itself. If you watch a trailer for a movie, you want to watch that movie for the ending. If you watch a trailer for a particular brand of soft tissue toilet roll, you want to buy the roll to wipe your ass on it and feel the softness for yourself. When you watch the trailer to a porn film, you don't really need to pay for the right to watch the rest of it because you can already have finished yourself off before the credits roll.

I have never gone on to pay for a porn film having just watched the trailer. If it doesn't look like my thing or is too short then I don't bother. If it's long and gives me a thoroughly long and good look at the movie, then I don't wait to type in my card details and wait for the download. I take care of it there and then. Porn trailers are just short enough to not give you all the best bits, but just long enough to be able to jack off to and that's why the job must be so infuriating. I genuinely couldn't even begin to think of a good balance to this problem. Once you've seen the trailer, it's made you want to masturbate, so you do so over the trailer and then... have no urge to sign up to whatever porn it was peddling because the service has been fulfilled. It's like watching a trailer for Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings and being full by the time the adverts finished, leaving you with no need to head down to the shop. You'll just go and get some when you're next hungry, by which time you've already seen another trailer for Maltesers and once again by the time the credits roll, you're all full again.


So I write this as both an apology to any porn trailer editor's work that I may have wasted in the past, but also as an open letter of understanding to you oh weary porn trailer editor. I couldn't and wouldn't know how to do your job and yet you power on, and that I can respect whilst cumming quietly in the pale light of my PC monitor, struggling not to wake my friend on the other side of my house's insanely thin walls, in honour of.  

20 comments:

  1. To continue the euphamism, it's shutting the stable door once the horse has bolted. So to speak.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like gluing shut the jap's eye once the cum has already sprayed out onto your cat's face.

      I'm not very good at euphemisms.

      Glad you enjoyed it.

      Delete
  2. Re thin walls. They are always too thin, believe me.

    Enjoyed the article.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm starting to believe that because of how thin they always are, that walls are just a lie sold to us by the government man

      Delete
  3. Well that got Tuesday off to a good start.

    (Some of us only need to talk about the trailers:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As much as your comment sounded like someone who's just had a satisfying morning wank, I'll take it as a compliment about the article that I think it might be. Glad you enjoyed it.

      Delete
    2. Sad to say my day went downhill from here.

      Delete
  4. I'm not allowed to watch porn. My mum said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She only said that cause she's scared you'll stumble upon one of her videos.

      Delete
    2. My mum is very flattered that you think she could be a porn star. She's 56.

      Delete
    3. There's alot of niches to be catered for.

      Delete
  5. After minimal success with gta 5 online, I think I may turn to porn instead. At least it won't stall at the interesting bits or force you to reload.

    Oh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unless you have buffering issues.

      A person should never turn to porn, it should always be a part of their life. But I am worried that even with an ugly fucker putting his ridiculously oversized dick into a stranger desperate to pay off their student loan, I'm finding it way more immersive than any session of GTA online.

      Delete
  6. I hate it when the dog walks in on you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Especially when someone catches you chasing after it out the door with an erect cock. Doesn't often go down well.

      Delete
  7. Aunt Bessies yorkshire puds are really not that filling, they are full of air. Ditto Maltesers. You chose two fairly airy examples there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next time I'll stick to more solid foods in my masturbation analogies. Thanks for the tip.

      Delete
  8. Best article I've read on the internet in ages. Congratulations

    ReplyDelete
  9. Corporations desire the revenue to move up after the tough economy and perhaps they are many looking over advertisement agencies to own promotions with regards to services.
    Jobs in advertising

    ReplyDelete
  10. Short message service (SMS) or text messaging is the way of today. People compress their ideas into 160 characters or less to make the message fit in one page.grammar rules

    ReplyDelete