Wednesday, 30 October 2013

HP Laptops And Windows 8 - The Shittiest Concoction Ever Concocted


Everyone knows Windows 8 is bad. Its sole purpose is to turn your PC into a giant phone just so that Microsoft can connect their phone and PC platforms into one big happy synchronised family. How charming. Charming and damn irritating.

Unless you have a touch screen or are just retarded and like tile displays, then it won't be such a problem. But if you have a PC with its many hundreds of applications and files that you want to have quick and easy access to without having to go through a river of friendly and boiled down hand holding software that makes it ironically more difficult to do anything that is out of the understanding of some twat whose only necessary input with his device is to smack his hand drunkenly across the screen and scroll through his collection of apps that range in complexity from angry birds all the way to angry birds space. Apps are programs Microsoft. Stop separating them. They're just different names for the same things, much in the way that I would use the words Windows 8 and inexplicable.


Now that that's out the way anyway we can move on to my real frustration. I went to buy a laptop recently. I went into Currys, which for people who aren't from the UK is basically an electronics store which has everything you'll ever need, but where the staff don't know much about any of it. It's almost ridiculous the number of times I've gone in and had to re-correct one of the salesmen because they were giving me false information either knowingly or unknowingly, neither of which is a good sign. But since I'm lazy and can't think of anywhere else to go, I continue to go, so in most if not every way, all of this is my fault. So I went in and asked for their cheapest laptop which was a Compaq something or other. I specifically asked the guy whether or not Compaq was made by HP because based on the two other HP laptops I'd had, both of which burst into smoke after just over a year, as well as my friend's HP laptop which had a fan that was whirring like a rat in a washing machine as if it was on the brink of exploding on his lap and taking a ball or two with it, I had decided that I didn't want another one. So the guy told me that it wasn't made by HP. It was made by Compaq. So I bought it.

So I got home and set it up and the first thing I saw after all the Windows 8 smiley-smiley causal install screens was the HP support program starting up and I just yelled God dammit to myself and knew I was in for a shitty laptop for the next year. On a side note I also said I didn't want the £7.99 a month extra security, but found out that the salesman I had told that too had very lovingly set me up for that one. I wanted to complain but since I then realised it was written on the receipt and the dickhead had basically ignored me and stolen some of my money to get his commission reward up, there was really nothing I could do in terms of a refund.

There used to be another place called PC World where you could go. But Currys bought them and absorbed them. It's just not same anymore

I messed around with Windows 8 for a week or two, decided I hated it and then installed Start Menu 8 which basically modded my laptop into a bad version of Windows 7. Worse than 7, but infinitely better than the alternative.

But the problems had only just begun. My Compaq was fine for the first few days. She was slow for a new purchase, stuttering whenever a new tab on Chrome was opened, crashing at the very thought of Steam even being opened as if it was somehow using all its computing power to telepathically connect with my deepest annoyances instead of actually carrying out its slave labour for my pleasure. Then suddenly strange things happened. The only time it was fast was whenever it was loading up Windows 8, which I must say is incredibly quick at booting up, but mostly because it's been so stripped down and beaten into submission that it doesn't take the time to dress itself for the occasion and arrive fashionably late like any previous Windows OS; instead now rushing out of bed, in a drowsy stupor, half dressed, hungover and scrabbling over to my feet like the desperate to impressive whore that it has become.

It was then that the HP effect kicked in. I had gotten over Windows 8, but some part of my relief must have somehow been detected by the HP system, which then decided to boot up into ass fuckery mode. It started turning on the narrator for no reason. If I had just gone blind and yet before running off to the doctors for a diagnosis had a sudden desire to visit Reddit to look at more funny animal pictures, then this wouldn't have been a problem. However, most of the time this very specific event didn't happen and instead the narrator would introduce itself whilst I was watching porn, the sound of oil being poured and the slapping of asses ringing loudly through my earphones, drowned out suddenly by the narrator politely introducing herself in her robotic drone and asking me if there was anyway she could help. I exited her immediately, answering her symbolically that her fucking off would be of the greatest help.

Sometimes the Compaq would randomly bring up the display options menu and in my hurry to get rid of it, I would accidentally select to turn off the screen, leaving me with no other choice but to restart the whole system. I later realised that this was all happening because HP has very specific button inputs that basically turn the keyboard from the useful series of letter inputs that can be combined to write words, into a far less useful series of shortcuts. Once this irreversible process has started, the K is no longer the letter K. It is now display options. L is no longer L. It is now narrator activation. And H is no longer H. It now takes me straight back to the Windows 8 metro app menu, to remind me once more that yes Windows 8 is still there no matter how much you try to deny you have wrestled control away from it.

In fact Windows 8 is very much like a default operating system that you would find in some kind of sickeningly friendly totalitarian state; smothering you with so much love, entertaining distractions and glossy tile formatting that you don't even realise that it has mothered your self control and decision making so long that you no longer have any freedom over yourself. “Windows 8 isn't connected to the Microsoft servers and so can't decide whether you need this program” it says whenever I install a new program. Thank you Windows 8, but I'm sure I can decide for myself whether or not I need this program. Whenever you log on it greets you with a casual “Hi” as if it's your friend, but as soon as it has updates to install suddenly it's all business. There's no leeway any more. In the old days you used to be able to postpone updates, but now it just says, “Yo, I'm gonna restart now so you better save your work and stuff because whatever you're up to, I'm going to shut down. That's what's happening right now.” Obviously that's slightly tweeked, but that is the gist of it. Windows 8 doesn't need your input because you're just a modern day moron. Clearly Windows 7 was over your head so 8 is here to help you wash and clean yourself, get into your jammy jams and get into bed, stroke your hair as you drift off to sleep and then smother you into the brain damage coma that it thinks you operate at.

Wow Windows 8. Look at all these nondescript icons you've labelled everything with. Much simpler to navigate

Between unavoidable restarts and my Compaq's constant need to restart to fix its random shortcut thing, my laptop barely stays on for more than an hour before it runs into some problem. And of course sometimes everything crashes because I don't know why. Just to screw with me I guess.

The worse thing is I still have no idea how I'm activating the keyboard shortcut. I write a lot on my laptop and fortunately for me HP didn't pick a shortcut activation that involved holding ctrl or shift or something, but instead involves typing a series of letters, meaning it can happen at absolute random because you will never remember what word you typed in to cause it. Even the mouse tries to fuck with me, having loads of hidden touch inputs which make it switch windows and close applications, none of which I can find a manual for on the laptop, so even clicking isn't safe. Thanks HP. Thanks for making my life such an simple and efficient process.

I can't even disable any of these things because HP customer service will only help or refund with a hardware problem, which unfortunately this isn't. Even though it seems to be an error, this is all calculated design. Not even Lucifer himself would be so cruel as to design a computer and operating system like these. Also all the help I can find online is for help with turning off the HP commands in Windows 7, which Windows 8 has stopped me from replicating the same fixes since all the BIOS and file locations are different. Not that I'd be able to find anything on this thing other than Internet Explorer and for some strange reason the Xbox Live Marketplace. This isn't an Xbox. Stop advertising your console to me Microsoft, I already have it and amazingly the reason I'm not playing your console right now is because I don't want it in my life right now.

So there it is. A broth of hubble, bubble, toil and trouble, as well as a few extra pinches of rage and confusion. HP hardware and Windows 8, the worst coupling of things since Jon Tron and Egoraptor.


On an extra note, the number of laptop fuck ups whilst writing this stands at 2.

21 comments:

  1. I cried with laughter at the porn bit. They should prescribe you on the NHS.

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    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it. I'd be up for the job, but people might also get depressed at how much I complain about how easy my life is, which may send them spiralling further into disease.

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    2. The above comment stands for me as well. FIY don't buy anything from Curry's, they are all morons.

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  2. It is indeed a pile of wank, I can purge the corruption and put Windows 7 on it sometime if you please.

    -Harry

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    Replies
    1. Destroy it for me and you shall be well rewarded good sir. I really cant afford to buy windows 7 again. so darn expensive. I hope you're not talking of illegal fixes to this issue. Actually after windows 8, I'm fine with that.

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    2. I would never talk of such things, on the internet. If you are ever around Cheltenham pop in and I shall make it so.

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  3. BT introduced an 'easier way to access your emails' recently. Easier than just sign in and click mail, I pondered, wow that's clever. Now you have to sign in twice, get told you are not who you think you are, return to home screen, slash wrists then use yahoo instead. I feel your pain.oh and superlative article, good sir.

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    Replies
    1. Always a pain when a company updates in order to make it simpler and then nothing works. Took me an age to work out how to access my hotmail after they changed it to a Microsoft account. Swear by the end all the details were right and it was just fucking with me.

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  4. My laptop will suddenly delete whole paragraphs for particular reason. I call it 'the Harvey effect'.

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    1. No particular reason. Missing out words as well.

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    2. Particular reason makes it seem like its gone sentient. Unfortunately both your laptop and mine have become self aware, it's just that they're personalities are douches.

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  5. I heard windows 8 was a disaster. I would definitely complain to Currys about their sales service.

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    1. Currys really don't give a shit and I always feel awkward complaining if I have no actual evidence to back me up.

      And yes you heard correctly, it really is a shambles. I heard that in the new update they were supposed to improve the desktop, but that turned out to be shit. Don't see why they can't just have a version of Windows 7 running at the same time as their shitty new metro system. Then at least both retarded and non retarded people can live in peace.

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  6. While reading your excellent blog, I held my laptop at eye level and clouted myself in the mouth. Let me tell you, it doesn't matter what make it is, if you do this you look like something out of Reservoir Dogs.

    You made me smile in a blooded ghoulish way.

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    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it. I think we've concluded today accepting that overal laptops suck in general.

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  7. I just wrote The Very Sad Ballad of Harvey the Yak. Does anyone want to hear it. I won't be offended if not. Much.

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    Replies
    1. I want to hear it as soon as humanly possible

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    2. Aaron the farmer looked
      At the waitress
      As she beckoned 'be with me'
      They wed and that is when
      They should be happy as can be!

      But the waitress stole out to the shed
      Wherein the yak called Harvey
      And with a gloat
      She cut his throat
      And then she went all carve-y

      When Aaron sat down to his tea
      He thought the meat was steak
      The waitress said 'it is yak stew'
      And Aaron's heart did break

      The moral is:
      Don't marry for looks alone
      And keep your yak locked up at home.

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  8. I take it from your silence you are less than impressed.

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    1. The silence meant I was eating dinner. It made me happy enough to immediately send to Harvey. I cracked up at Carve-y. Very much bravo.

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