Saturday, 7 September 2013

Official Assassin's Creed Hidden Blade Review. Shoddy Equipment For The Modern Day Budget Assassin


The life of a modern assassin is a tough one. Better forensic science and more CCTV surveillance than ever makes you average social stealth assassination no longer the walk in the park that it was for our ancestors. But no matter what obstacles you face, you'll always know that your most useful assassination tool will always be there, snugly hugging to your wrist. That's right, it's your old companion, the hidden blade gauntlet. Except now it's the modern age, so it's flimsy, uncomfortable and since now blades are illegal out in public, it's all made of the finest plastic thirty pounds can buy.


But then again what was I expecting. I never expected this to be the quality animal hide buckle and high grade smithed blade of old. I knew this would be a disappointment and in that area it did not disappoint. For the most part it's actually quite cool. For every positive of aspect of it though, there are several more negatives. Good things first; from a distance it looks slightly like an assassin's creed gauntlet and you can make a hidden blade come out of it in order to scare the shit out of people with. Now on to the bad.

You'll notice then that I used the phrase scare the shit out of people and not instead the preferred consequence of murdering the shit out of people. Well this isn't the high calibre killing tool you were hoping for if this was how you were going to go about taking out your targets. And the major problem with it can be boiled down into five simple words. Shitty Fisher Price quality plastic. I mean literally everything on this is plastic. Now, for the main gauntlet bit that wouldn't be a problem, but the fact the strap is stiff plastic as well makes it a pain to manoeuvre and have against your skin. Yes it's uncomfortable as hell, but that's the price you pay for being a murderous dog. 


There are two parts to the whole thing. There's the blade mechanism itself and the gauntlet cover. The gauntlet cover straps onto the bottom mechanism by using a buckle. But this buckle and its strap are both made out of plastic. Why they couldn't have used material is beyond me, but having not done that, it makes the thing rigid as hell, to the point where you'll have to get an extra person to fight it onto your forearm, which feels lame when you ask them for help and even lamer when they actually help. It's an event I never want to experience again.

So the gauntlet cover is basically a cheap block of plastic, but at least it's got the picture of an eagle stamped into it and is good enough overall.

The blade mechanism is more confusing. On the whole it's functional and fine. The blade obviously doesn't contain the delicate engineering that the ancient ones did, so instead of a sharp thrust of the arm to bring it out, you instead have to push a big button. The saving grace of the button is that it can be smacked against your body whilst you create the illusion that you're thrusting it down so at the very least, whatever self respect you lost whilst getting a friend to put it on you like a giant assassin baby; you can at least feel in your own lack of self awareness that it looked cool when you got the blade out.




What I appreciate about Ubisoft's design is that they at least tried to guess the type of customer who would buy this. People who are morbidly obese and have fat pig like wrists. If you look closely you can see the classic style Velcro straps that they've used in the design of these blades for centuries. 



What you'll also notice is that both of these straps are the same size. The back strap that should be fitting itself halfway up your slowly swelling forearm is the same length as the front strap that should fit your tiny little wrist. The Velcro only sticks at the very end, so unless you have a forearm that has been blessed with elephantiasis, it won't fit round it at all. I had to go medieval on this thing and shorten it slightly using my own haphazard and borderline retarded knowledge of DIY and it still doesn't fit properly, constantly slipping down my arm whenever it's lowered.

Continuing on with the shoddy plastic theme, the blade itself is bendy as hell. It retracts when you plunge it into the fatty outer layer of your victim, which will leave you in an awkward position to explain yourself to both your target and your employer. But it'll also leave you looking like an idiot, standing there struggling to jam what is now your floppy bent dick of a blade back into its holster. Ready for the next victim.

But like all good assassination tools, this one has been built for safety. The blade isn't sharp enough to cut yourself on, you'll be so unable to do anything with it on that you'll never wear the thing anyway and like all deadly disembowelling machines, it has a safety lock.

Mine is always set to unsafe mode like any true assassin

Of course not all tasks are out of bounds for its supple blade.


 That hunger just got assassinated

So you won't be able to kill with it or do much else with it, but if you want to invest the several other hundred dollars for a complete cosplay set then you're very welcome to do that. It's just that I have a little too much self respect to bother doing that.

And yes that is an official hoodie that came with the first Assassin's Creed. 
Still Fits

13 comments:

  1. Mildly concerned that your mind is unravelling. But amused.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it. Although this is the inevitable consequence of living in the first world, having loads of free time and revelling in some unspent savings.

      Delete
  2. Weapon quality has never been the same since Fisher Price. A plague on them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, those cannons that they had on their adventure pirate ships back in the 90s had some pretty fine firepower.

      Source:http://www.sausageoflife.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/greatadventures/pirates.htm

      Delete
  3. Oops, stumbled into the madhouse again.

    Great article, as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed your time here. Please stay a while and stab a baby or three.

      Delete
  4. Wouldn't it be great if soldiers had to stop and ask for help to strap on weapons and then bitched to the enemy about plastic buckles. The world would be a kinder place.

    Great laughs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what we need to do is get our militaries to open up weapon's contracts with Fisher Price and we'll all be at peace.

      Delete
    2. I'm sure a battlefield of soldiers fighting with fisher price weapons should have been a comedy sketch by now.

      Delete
  5. Read the last comment on previous article and look at last photo on this.

    Suave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha took me a while to get what you meant. I'm going to go out on a limb here and still say Aaron's is less dignified. If you can even imagine such a thing.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, will try to be less cryptic in future.

      Delete
    3. Harvey's other skill is passively proving me wrong with every consecutive action.

      I can't even look as dignified as Harvey squatting on a toilet...It is true

      Delete