Monday, 2 September 2013

"How To Bullshit People And Make Money" With Self Help Guru Early Jackson


This is Early Jackson and he's going to change your life and your idea of what words can constitute a first name. He may just look like a regular man. He may even look like a slightly sleazy man. A snake oil salesman of words and false hope. A strange case of a man whose job description is to teach people how to be successful and yet seems to have achieved no actual success outside of the sphere of teaching people how to be successful. Confusing I know, but I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation other than just preying on people's desperation. Anyway, let's explore this some more.


Now I know, criticising self help products is hardly original. We all know that self help very rarely actually has any impact on people's lives other than just affecting their perception that they're better off than they already are, even if everything remains the same and their life is still fundamentally disappointing in their glazed over eyes. In fact here I'm not even going to have a go at self help in and of itself. We all know that it's not anything that is actually scientifically valid in changing people's behaviour or lifestyle, like psychiatry or even to a much lazier extent, medication. So here I'm not going to chat about self help itself, but instead more explicitly, I'm going to run through a few of the articles and thoughts of the self help guru Early Jackson, and point out some of the more stupid things that he's written down as if they're in any way profound or interesting observations.

So in the style of Early's and every other self help guru's books, that aim to boil down all of life's issues and goals into a simple list of numbers and bullet points, I'm going to set this article out in a similar fashion. Enjoy.


Chapter 1: How To Bullshit Your Way Into Thinking You're Capable of Becoming A Billionaire Through Positive Thinking

Self help is a strange job. As I mentioned above it's a very circular form of authority. You take advice about being successful, from someone who's successful because of telling people how to be successful. There is no proof outside of this circularity that they're actually successful or creative in anyway. They've simply given you advice that they say works, but seem to have at no point put into practise. Early Jackson stands out particularly in this regard because a lot of his self help is aimed towards becoming rich and doing well in business. He's not as much of a inner joy self help guru, because in all fairness, the people that give advice on how to be happy could at least be happy based on their own rules. That means their rules work at least. Early however is giving advice that he has never demonstrated to work in anyway. He is the self help equivalent of Paris Hilton, a product of circular fame, where their own fame produces further fame.

Regardless of this lack of actual success outside of self help however, Early has no problems with teaching you how to be as powerful and rich as Disney. Yep that's right, the multi billion dollar company Disney and Early can teach you how to be like them. It really shows what a honourable and self sacrificial lamb Early is, that even though he has the know how to be as successful as Disney, he has decided not to because he must spend his life trying to get everyone else to be as powerful as Disney.

When Henry Ford writes a book about business or Mark Zuckerberg gives a lecture about his own strategies and approaches to business, then these are the advisers who actually count because they've done it. Unfortunately, their advice for how they actually got their positions in life don't consist of simply being optimistic and making achievement diaries, which is the much more easily digestible alternative approach that Early offers. Their paths were much less interesting because their approach consisted of coming up with an idea and then working really hard to bring about that idea. It's the eat whatever you want and still lose weight approach to business. The millionaire Christian. Have anything you want, but don't change your life too much out of either inconvenience or an inset inability to change your life, which explains why you're buying into self help stuff in the first place.


Chapter 2: How To State The Fucking Obvious

Did you know that people get hungry and its this hunger that will eventually make people eat food in order to prevent death. Wow. What an incredible observation. Didn't that realisation just open your mind to the inner workings of the world. Like a great ethereal brush just dusted away the cobwebs from your mind's eye and now you really have a solid perspective on who you are and what you're here to do (hint: the answer is to reproduce and then die so you don't waste all the resources).

All I can be thankful for is that I'm protected by the veil of irony here, because it would sure be retarded to state obvious observations as if they're insightful. And so the stupid head of Early Jackson rears itself once more, globbering out its endless trail of shit from its face hole that has been swilling bullshit around itself for so long, that it has become normalised to this reality and now accepts it as the equivalent to language and ideas.

Here is a small exert of Early's which is entitled 'Unproductive belief systems that hold you back'. Now Early doesn't go into any of the belief systems that he once had but began holding him back, like honesty or sense, but instead just has a completely unrelated article about where we get our beliefs from. He starts by blowing our minds with the first of 3 bullet points that beliefs come from somewhere else. This was really eye opening for me because I assumed that my beliefs were completely independent to myself and all experience around me, as if I was some kind of original and independent philosophical genius in every regard, until Early demonstrated to me that there was such a thing as cause and effect.

The entire article is based around an event in Early's childhood when he was 8, when a kid called Reggie claimed his peanut butter and jelly sandwich was infested with life threatening Jelly Bugs, that would kill him if he ate it. Regrettably, Early handed over his sandwich to Reggie that day and never forgave himself for it. This is also the only example of an unproductive belief that he offers, the rest being vague headers that I'm sure will be expanded in one of his numerous books that you'll have to pay for. But remember, if you believe in life threatening Jelly Bugs, then you'll never be as big as Disney.

He rather openly suggests that many of the beliefs we hold is someone's ploy to control or take advantage of us. This is pretty ballsy based on the fact that his job is basically a bullshit belief machine for profit, but I'm also assuming that Early doesn't really pay much attention to what he writes or says.

Finally, he says that our beliefs can affect how well we do, which is basically the 101 of self help. If you repeat this point over and over again, you'll probably do quite well out of the business. But who'd have thought this was the case. If I thought I was a massive piece of shit and that I don't deserve anything, then it follows that I probably won't achieve much. This is some very insightful stuff here that I wouldn't have worked out by myself. But as Early's number one rule demonstrated, all beliefs come from somewhere else. I just thank god this one came from the great Early Jackson himself.


Chapter 3: How To Educate Sociopaths

This is almost similar to the earlier chapter of stating the fucking obvious, but with a slight sociopathic twist. This article from Early is different to the previous article because someone may not have thought about where their beliefs had come from if they were an idiot, but to not know any of the things in the following article, you would not simply have to be a moron, but also a sociopath.

'Myths About The Man of Steel!' is a cheap attempt to get views on the internet. It has nothing to do with Superman or the Man of Steel film, and yet it has a big picture of Henry Cavill at the top and an uninteresting opening paragraph about the movie, which then becomes completely irrelevant by the second paragraph slithers its way into your consciousness.

The next few points made are some of the most pointless advice possible. However, if they are not pointless bits of advice, then it's probably some of the most terrifying advice ever given. The first bit advice is to refute the myth that men don't have feelings. Do people actually think this? With even the slightest bit of observation it's possible to even recognize that on a basic level even dogs have feelings. So to not notice that men have emotions means either you're a complete sociopath, or you just live with some really mean ass men. But even being mean is a feeling, so pay more attention.

The second, third and continuing on into the endless blandness and pointlessness that is Early Jackson's opinion, we see a similar trend. Early just continues to write an argument against the myth that men share the same basic sentience as a slug, aside from having more muscles and a hatred for women. I would like to refute that there is even a myth and then further refute the myth that Early Jackson has any fucking idea what he's talking about.


Chapter 4: How To Compliment Yourself Like An Arsehole

To finish, let me share this final article of Early's. Here he has decided to write a light hearted article where he has pointed out some of his more self proclaimed funny observations about how entrepreneurs are like toddlers. Surprisingly, they're all just really complimentary about himself. He comes up with 4 points which are basically the same point but just using different words in order to say the same thing. In all fairness he does this quite well, almost as if it's his job to repeat the same few pointless and obvious points in slightly adjusted ways.

Well, based on the qualities I've observed through Early himself, here's a new hilarious point to add to Early's already very humorous list. Entrepreneurs are like toddlers because they are greedy, selfish and are very content to lie without consequence. So fuck your unnecessary analogies. Fuck your convoluted jargon. Fuck your claim that "transition" and "change" are different words; change meaning to change and transition meaning to cope with that change. That doesn't make any sense.

But most of all, fuck you Early Jackson.

And in an even cheaper criticism, maybe he should spell his own name right

18 comments:

  1. Hey, give this man some credit. In the self help genre, i have found the dubious "Who moved my cheese", the lusty "Why men prefer bitches", and the friendly "Think and grow rich". That's where i have been going wrong, i don't think enough!

    Enjoyed this romp through ridiculousness very much.

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    1. With all that knowledge now you can have wealth and bitches galore. Went to hunt down 'Why men love bitches', it was thoroughly entertaining. Thanks for the recommendation.

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  2. Why computers don't get what you mean.

    I clicked on "Images of Early Jackson", and got photos of Michael Jackson as a pre teen.

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    1. Haha I had the same problem. It's a nightmare getting any pictures of this guy aside from taking screen grabs, hence the lack of captions.

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  3. What would Billy Bob's self help book be called?

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    1. 10 mistakes everyone else made before 30 & how to avoid watching JJ Abram's products.

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  4. I have some unprintable suggestions....

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    1. See this is why we need a way for people to upload audio files as comments.

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  5. Look out for the sequels, "10 mistakes i made before 40" and "Why do I keep making mistakes?"

    Great article.

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it. As long as they don't make any money whatsoever, then I can think of no greater thing than this. Although having done a google search, I'm already unable to find a place to buy his current book, so maybe that reality is closer than we think.

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  6. Brutal and thoroughly entertaining.

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    1. If you'd like more brutality, please fell free to check out my review of "The Brutal Breeding of The Virgin By The Minotaur", further down the main page.

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  7. Mistake 11, Mr Jackson. You took Man of Steel's name in vain in front of Billy Bob.

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    1. Lol, I don't so much hate him using Man of Steel's name in vain, more that he's trying to make a profit off of the new man of steel movie, which is an act that I don't think anyone, even the creative team behind it, deserve.

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  8. How does the last sentence that starts "fuck your claim that" finish?

    Fuck your claim that you shouldn't leave your readership in suspense?

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    1. Fuck your claim that...all sentences should make sense?

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    2. Fuck your claim that JJ Abrams is one of your success stories.

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    3. Hey sorry for the late response. The website seems to have fucked up the sentences so theyre all out of order, something which I've now corrected. Sorry for that. Fuck my claim that html can be trusted.

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