Saturday, 10 August 2013

A Little Something About Pages On Facebook That Have Become Such A Victim Of Whoring For Likes That They Are Now Completely Irrelevant To The Reason They Were Originally Made For. If I Can Be So Blunt.


Things can't last forever. And unless we're talking about a baby goat getting kicked to death by a fireman's boot or the flogging of PEWDIEPIE then that's a sad fact about life. However, some people don't like to see things end, especially when said things ending is there sense of popularity.

So I offer up to you the Facebook groups that their creators just couldn't let die. At one point long ago when a new film or television show came out, one person maybe noticed something slightly interesting or took a little niche of pop culture from it and drew attention to it by making a Facebook group page for everyone to come and like and enjoy. But things don't last forever, and after a while, the like rate and visitation to the page began to slow until it became just another ignored page on Facebook. No new updates and lack of relevance meant that it stayed away from the feed and starved a silent death, leaving an epitaph in its followers' likes list that at one point it was given a shit about.


Many Facebook groups have died this way. But some people refuse to euthanise their pages with dignity and instead woke up one morning and remembered the satisfaction they got when the page was liked. They remembered the thrill they got every day when they logged in to find that one new person had found them in their little corner of the internet. They craved the feeling they got when they knew that they'd created something and been rewarded for that minimal amount of effort. “Well hey!”, they shouted out loud to themselves, probably in some gumbo, retarded back ass yell at a wall plastered with Pulp Fiction and Nirvana posters. “I like feeling like people are paying attention to me, and I like doing things with minimal effort. I should do that Facebook thing again”. But then they realised that they had no new ideas. Yes there had been a lot of movies, but now they couldn't be bothered, or were unable to actually make any observation about them. “Wow this thinking thing is hard”, they shat out of their head. Why should they try and create another audience of something they thought about when there's so many other tedious and mindnumbing content on the internet to share and regurgitate around. So, with their existing platform of a few hundred people for the only minor achievement that they ever accomplished in their entire lives, a knapsack of recycled memes and made up emotional stories all focused around strangers/celebrities/soldiers serving in Afghanistan doing nice things and a share button, they set out on their quest to keep feeling inconsequentially relevant and minorly popular.

Now I'm just looking at some of the strangest and unrelated ones I found. I'm not looking at those pages that were designed with this kind of mindless daily updates of shite from such prestigious sites as roflzone.com, seems-legit-to-me.com and my personal favourite mainly because it's classy, but also because it's European and those accents have a way of sending a shiver down my spine, lebestfails.com. Pages like 'I don't regret the time I've wasted, just the time I've wasted with the wrong people' or 'that special way that he smiles at you', which are designed to get love struck pubescent girls locked in and then pump them with bi-daily propaganda about the exact type of love they should be feeling, filled with roses and kisses and some kind of hypothetical imaginary man who in real life would actually resemble an obsessive and desperate infinite money cave than a human being.

I'm not a violent man, but whoever makes these needs to die

These pages are honest, they were always meant to be spewing out rubbish. Their honesty is disgusting, yet fine and understandable. They're the crazy racists off of Jerry Springer who stand up and say they hate black people. They're fine because they're face value and not sharing their opinions through awkward and infrequent, bordering on unacceptable remarks whenever the topic of race and immigration is bought up to the point where you become so suspicious that in your desperation to understand the mind of the person who you've been spending a lot of your life and learning a lot of your lessons from that you eventually have to turn to them and ask, “Dad, are you racist?”, which is not only uncomfortable but also wrought with further uncertainty as they answer, “of course not, I have black friends”. If this were a reasonable answer then it should also be the case that their should be no sexists since men have always had wives for even longer.

And here are some of the people that did just something a little bit like that.

There are a strange number of ones that once were created because of film mistakes and movie trivia. But for some reason this information wasn't good enough to stand by itself. Now if you visit these pages they're so crammed with additional shit that they've posted and commented on that it's hard to actually find the original trivia at all, swamped so far down the page as it is, that scrolling to it feels like an unending exodus that around five minutes in stops having any meaning, because you know you'll never watch that movie again, and even if you did, how would these facts and mistakes enhance your life other than just ruining the movie, since now every time that emotional or cool bit comes up, you'll only see the error. I can barely watch 'Small Soliders' anymore knowing that David Cross was high as shit during the entire filming, and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else. Okay I lie, if anything it makes his acting even funnier, but you get the idea.

Oh, not that it'll be a problem anyway since a lot of these pages have actually deleted the original 10 mistakes that they pointed out in the movie in order to make the page seem like it was always just an entertainment spam page, with a weird name about something wrong with Titanic. Or Inception. Or HarryPotter. Even Friends.

There are actually a lot of 10 mistake based pages that fall into this observation pit. It makes sense in the end that someone who could only think in terms of base ten, or abused the fact that people also do in order to get more likes through their inevitable discovery, would be prone to this. I don't believe that there were only 10 things that were wrong with the film, or that you only discovered 10 things exactly. There must have been 11 good things, or 7 shitty things that you had to drag out to fit the number you selected.

But movies aren't the only thing that people can make mistakes with. There's a whole group of things people can make mistakes on and ruin their lives with, and lucky for you someone has at some point made a Facebook page about it, up until the point where they got bored and then flooded it with completely unrelated content.

On a slightly interesting side note if you type “mistakes” into the Facebook search bar and then look for all results regarding that word, you will come up with a lot of pages that are weirdly all written in Hindi, managed and followed solely by Indian people. I don't know why this pattern exists but lord knows I'd love to find out.

Anyway back to where we were. So mistakes. It's ironic that a person who started off trying to help people avoid mistakes and then made the mistake of ignoring all of the mistakes that he listed that could be made in order to post daily mistakes and so hide his original mistakes so that people could continue to make the same mistakes. Now that's a mistake, almost as much of a mistake as the person themselves. But anyway time to show you some examples of pages that have that same irrelevant content on them.

There are the mistake pages about what men do wrong in bed. There isn't any actual information listen on them though, all that remains on this wasteland is some attached files that I'm too scared to open and a link to 'Put it on me' by Alfyzzy, who it turns out is a Nigerian rapper. His advice is that you gotta give it to you just the way you like it, which is slightly annoying because that calls for further research and I was hoping that this Facebook page could cover all of the ground work. But hey if you're on a random Facebook page looking for sex advice, then sweet lord have mercy on you. I hope that you don't get cancer and spend your days on Yahoo answers looking for a diagnosis because you will die very quickly. Or you'll be content with dying when you do upon realising how fucking stupid the rest of the planet seems to be.

Alfyzzy then goes on to say that there's no time to be wastin', so just put it on me. As far as advice goes this isn't actually that bad. It covers the basics. Although based on how many fruit analogies Alfyzzy uses to describe his bitches, such as she got an ass shaped like a coconut and when her hair goes up it looks like papaya, I'm not sure if Alfyzzy and me have the same interests at heart for his advice to transfer well, so I guess I'll just continue trying to force my prolapsed rectal pink pocket into her ear like I usually do.

Weirdly I can find no pages about mistakes women make in the bed, which is a different point entirely, but still unfair none the less. However in the place of what mistakes women can make in bed, we have a far more helpful list of mistakes that Kenyans can do in bed, which as a 1/30000000000000000th Kenyan I find this very useful. Although unless Kenyas have a second dick or something, I don't really know what other mistakes they could make. 

But apparently this information is both relevant and helpful

Then there are the mistakes that make people fail exams. One of those mistakes I imagine would've been wasting your time filling your brain with too much shit off of the internet instead of studying, but this page seems to have drowned that into non-existence with previously mentioned shit.

As one last special thanks I'd like to put one example of the Facebook page that first enlightened me to this phenomenon of unrelated content Facebook pages that I wouldn't have found and then explored further when bored. May I present to you the Will's Mum from UK version of The Inbetweeners Facebook page, which unlike the other few versions I have found, wasn't content with just creating a pretty niche and
meaningless joke page, filling it with modelling pictures of the actress and then letting it die. Instead he wanted to keep the magic alive, and so turned it into the shit producing machine that it is today. Like it if you like to receive continuous pointless updates of funny stuff he be findin' on the internet. Sometimes you'll even get a double helping of the same stuff because his attention span is too short to last over a few days for him to remember what he's already shared.

I'd have been happier if I'd have found a Schindler's list dedicated page or something to do with some teenage suicide that it's creator had abused to get more likes, but I didn't stumble across any. I guess we have to congratulate the mass atrocities and teenage death Facebookers for their vigilance and honourable resistance in the face of likes.

But there you go, that's all there is for now. I'll add some extra stuff in abit about some other little pieces of stupid shit that I stumbled across while making this and thought was funny but not fitting with the article to put in. Although given how long and unrelated the intros to my stuff is, maybe the start would've been the perfect time to dump all that stuff in.

Thanks for reading, and come on, if we all pull together we can do it. Let's make Alfyzzy number one this Christmas.










15 comments:

  1. Ten mistakes women make in bed is out there, my friend. Just key it in on google. Though it may not be relevant unless your partner fantasizes that you are a minotaur.

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    1. I want to find your version. Nothing about Minotaurs in the one I found. Just stuff about not lying on your back and acting like a corpse. Sage advice.

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    2. Try 10 mistakes women make in bed stylecaster on google. It's in the last paragraph.

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    3. Ah I see now. Alot of angry babies in the comments of that one. Just the way it should be on these blogs.

      Due to the internet being a terrible place though, seeing the word Minotaur in a sex article has lead me to Google search the term. It wasn't long before I found a book called: The Virgin's Lusty Breeding by the Minotaur. Pretty cheap too. Maybe I'll review it later.

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    4. That is just going to fuel those minotaur fantasies, don't leave it lying around. Or do.

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    5. I now own it as an ebook. Paid good money for it as well. Well 2 quid, but even so, having it on the desktop is a dangerous thing to be doing when strangers sometimes use the computer. Maybe I'll do a review to broaden others horizons as well.

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  2. I came across 'top ten blogging mistakes'. You are safe, especially the one that says 'don't blog too often, more than once a day' cos your readership won't be able to keep up.

    Liked the article.

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    1. lol that was a very nice way of saying our content is slow. Glad you like the rate of production. I think our readership would have to be retarded at this point not to be able to keep up.

      Glad you liked it. Got some more facebook things to add, and a wolverine review to fill the void while I go away for a few days. Hope everyone can keep up with the pace.

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    2. don't blog too often is my golden rule

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  3. I'm not on facebook. I had to leave. Alfyzzy -anyone who keeps Justin Bieber away has my vote.

    Should we send out a search party for Aaron?

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    1. He is locked playing Dota 2 along with alot of others I know. Unless you have a search party not comprised of men, but ideas that can travel into his now addicted mind and kill the infection, then by all means I'd love to try.

      Yeah, I want to leave facebook, but the pockets of weirdness and watching other people's boring lives really grips me for some reason.

      I'm actually finding alfyzzy quite alright for some reason. I guess accidentally hearing it alot while writing this has driven me slightly mad.

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  4. A lot of things require an ability to count beyond ten. Great article.

    We should rescue Aaron, if it's not too late.

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    1. Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. It's far too late for him. Him and everyone else has become obsessed with Dota 2. It's rotted their minds. I'm just glad that my mind had already been ruined enough by high level stimulus that I can't play strategy games. Impatience is my immunity.

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  5. Aaron is back safe, welcome back. Billy Bob, leaving an epitome in its followers likes list? I've re read this over and over and, sorry, what? However, loved your blog, always.

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    1. I meant epitaph, got the wrong word. Thanks for alerting me to that. It's changed now to avoid me looking like a further dumbass. Glad you enjoyed it, should have some more stuff to read since i'm going away for a few days so more content can be dumped on to fill that gap.

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