Saturday, 27 July 2013

The Retarded Pop Songs That I've Grown To Hate This Summer

I don't often talk about music, mostly because I have nothing more complex to offer than I liked the pretty noises and if you didn't like the pretty noises then that is a shame because I did. Then me and the person I'm talking to just go on to stare at each other in complete silence until one of us becomes too hungry or awkward to take it anymore. I don't even like to complain about the way music sounds. I don't like most modern music aside from when it's so damn catchy that it bores its way into your consciousness and remains there bouncing off the walls of your brain, scratching at your sanity until you can't contain the madness anymore. Plus I don't like a lot of genres like heavy metal or power metal.

But I can accept that they've probably got a lot of noises that are pretty to someone. I also try not to subscribe to the group of people who use the criticism that modern music isn't real music, because firstly as long as it has a drum and some twat making noise, then it kind of is technically music. Plus also their criticism of popular modern music being the downfall of music is hardly strong because to accept that you also have to accept that 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' is a great relic of the past that can never again be matched.

But anyway, having been in an office working for dat dollar more often recently, I've been exposed more to a lot of songs that I wouldn't have heard otherwise due to being at the mercy of the office radio which must only ever be set to Magic FM for some inexplicable reason that no one can manage to put into clearer words than the show itself which claims to have the “best of old and new”. Strange then that given it has the best songs throughout recorded time, it seems to repeat itself a lot. What's worse though is that it's so open and comfortable with its repetition, that the producers of the station are perfectly fine with not just trying to bore you into submission with repeats of the best popular tracks of the previous two decades across multiple days, but even going so far as to play the same song up to 3 times a day. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if however your work was so dull that the only sense of humanity that hangs around you and prevents you from falling into some kind of existence induced coma, is Magic FM itself or the nattering of middle aged women who flow from subjects ranging as far reaching as what Kate Middleton's baby will be called (which I learnt was George) all the way to how none of them can understand what the “Pakis” (Indian People) are saying in customer service call centres.

It's like being lost in an ocean of inputting and archiving, finally reaching what you believe to be a solid and safe island, only to find that when you reach its apparent golden shores, they give way at your touch and drift seperately into the surrounding ocean, revealing themselves to be comprised of nothing more than human shit and discarded copies of Bruno Mars' second album.

On the subject of Mr Mars' second album I would like to get to the meat of what I was here to talk about. As I said I've been listening to a lot of recent pop recently and while I don't like a lot of the songs, it wasn't the fact that I didn't like the music itself that annoyed about a few of them, but just how inane, stupid or hypocritical a lot of the subjects of the songs were. So like any picky baby, I'm not going to criticise the song based on its music, but mostly how retarded the lyrics and meaning is of a few select songs.

Now I'm never going to be a fan of Bruno Mars. His catchy feel-good rhythms and melodies and laid back ways don't quite gel with my crushed spirit ways. He also looks weird to me, I don't like his dead stare and smug fuck expression, staring out through his cold, empty eyes just pointing them at things while the rest of him just sits there being apparently attractive and successful and boring up the whole place. I'm starting to get the suspicion that Bruno Mars is just a creation of the music business himself, a head bopping marionette like cyborg which runs on an OS that is only programmed to spurt out inoffensive lyrics and easy listening tunes. The most complex subject matter he's ever dealt with is the idea of catching a grenade for someone, which is stupid in itself because why would you catch it when you could just bat it out the way, thus solving the whole problem with no casualties.

But that one song that I mentioned in the big letters above really annoys me in particular and I don't think it helps that I'm hearing it everywhere, playing incessantly like it's the greatest words written about relationships of all time. I think it annoys me mostly because of how basic and cutesy it is. That guy hasn't had a bad relationship and neither do I think he would be able to give a shit if he did. If a relationship falls apart, is it really because you didn't hold their hand enough or buy them flowers? There are far more integral reasons than this, as well as realistic ones, why a relationship would fall apart and not Mars' wishy washy problems that he had to imagine up in order to write another inoffensive hit record.

As my rewrite demonstrates, here is a far more realistic version of the chorus:

It all just sounds like (extended farting noise)
Too quick to cum and too small in size,

So I should have had something in common,
And not been so bland,
Shouldn't have made you try anal,
At every drunken chance,
Not embarrassed you at every party,
By getting so drunk that I shit my pants,
Now my baby's fucking,
But with a man with a bigger gland.

There you go Bruno. That's why a relationship falls apart. Sexual issues, ideological differences and interests are far more integral, interesting and meaningful to sing about than just how you didn't satisfy your partner's relentless brain dead obsession with dancing. But not that he cares as he swims in money and hums out more bullshit to satisfy everyone with its mediocrity. I don't even care about the tunes themselves, but everything that he sings about is just so false that it annoys me that people buy into it.

Although finally we won't have to deal with him soon. His earnings will expand so much that soon the music industry can commence construction of Mars Mark II. They could even hire me to design it if they wanted. I could cut the costs considerably. My redesign would be just as effective but at minimal cost consisting of just a plank of wood with a face drawn on it and a radio hanging from an exposed rusty nail that belts out the same four repeating chords with the vocals being read out from the diary of a 7 year old girl.

An Early Draft Of The Mars MK II Prototype

There's only one word that describes this song best for me and that would be devious. Another would be annoying. Okay and stupid. Self-defeating. Whether or not that's one word or two because of the hyphen, the real problem I have is that the song is all in all just plain sickly. Damn that's another word.

But let me elaborate, although I'm pretty sure the irony of the song was noticed by anyone who wasn't retarded and actually listened to the lyrics and didn't just mindlessly bop their head to the beat adding about as much interaction with the song as a flower stem that's just been disturbed by a dashing fox, next to a radio playing Price Tag.

Like that scene though, the song Price Tag makes me want to punch a wall or maybe even a fox, because I don't know what it is about them but their trash can tipping and screeching in the middle of the night ways have driven us apart.

Price Tag is a mainstream and heavily produced record co-written by Jessie J herself and her rapper friend called B.o.B, a name which I'm thankful I only have to write down because I still have no idea how to pronounce it. Anyway the song which has had a shit ton of money poured into it in order for it to have maximum distribution and appeal is also preaching that, “hey man it's not about the music, I mean money. We just make money, I mean music, to make you dance and enjoy ourselves and in no way is the music, I mean money, ever taken into account”. Except the only account that's being taken into is the bursting bank account of every bastard that released that horrible, horrible song. It's not that's it's catchy. Catchy is fine and can even be good. But for a song of its kind to sing about the message which it's singing about is just really repulsive to me. I don't think I've ever heard a song that's just so sinister and cynical and it really hits a level of cynicism that I'm not comfortable with. There you have it. The level of cynicism that broke the site. It's the nuclear meltdown of cynicism.

It would work for an indie song because they can sing about how they make music to not make money because in all probability they're not making shit all anyway. But something this openly ignorant and hypocritical is just mind blowingly absurd to me. “Why is everyone so serious, acting so damn mysterious?” Yes Jessie, I'll ask the same damn thing about yourself while you dance around singing that “you don't want the money”, which I guess is some sort of open invitation to pirate all of your music then if you actively don't want the money. But I have a suspicion that even if you don't want it, the manager and all the staff who put together this song for you might be thinking differently because if this fucks up then your career will probably end very prematurely.

At this point in the song Jessie then asks us to “step to the left” like we're in some mass march praising the new bullshit world order and then finishes off the song claiming that “We're playing love tonight”. I'm surprised love can make sounds like these, I always thought it was just computers. Maybe if I love hard enough I can create a bullshit feel good song too. Nope. All it got me was a restraining order.

But then there's the featuring B.o.B and I wanted to check out the man and see if he lives by the same rules that he also preaches in his song. It didn't take long for me to find a song of his called 'We Still In This Bitch', where him and a few friends, all with equally stupid names, rap about how rich they are and how many women they're going to fuck thanks to their music careers:

I got big wheels on my ride
Spent bout 6 mills on my ride
You catch me swervin all over your side of town bumpin bitch don't kill my vibe
Don't blow my hide just blow my guy
I'm so paid I'm so fly

Well done guys. And may I say a special well done to the co-writer of this song, Juicy J, who managed to be the only rapper who named himself so that he could have a spin off product line of children's juice boxes. That's business acumen there everyone. Take note.

This one is a song that I think just got me in terms of sheer surprise at the revelation halfway through the song. The song itself is actually quite catchy and is credited to a man named Olly Murs, whose surname reminds me of another average pop artist because I guess the shitty artist naming machine had a glitch that day or something and is now just selecting its names alphabetically.

But anyway I'm going to leave the guy alone for his name. Back to the song, it's yet again been playing constantly through the radio. At first it entertained me because I though he said “Dear Diary” at the start of the song, which makes every time he describes the women whom the song is about, sound like he's talking to the diary itself, which creates a much creepier song, not about the breakup of a relationship but a mentally ill man with a sick fetish for his own diary. I then thought about how someone would go about having sex with a diary whilst avoiding paper cuts and then one of the women in the office started talking about how they were getting frustrated at not being able to lose weight whilst eating a massive slice of cake, at which point I felt myself die as my body shut me down to protect me from a fit of unplaceable rage deep within me and when I regained consciousness several hours later it was the end of the day and I had somehow in my death throes managed to type in all the things into the thing.

But what annoys me about this song is just one line said by the lady who he's talking about. So Olly's there lamenting about the woman who isn't by his side. He talks about how it's unbearable to be without her and how devastating it is that they broke up, “it was short, it was sweet, but we tried”. But near the end of the second chorus suddenly his lady chimes in with the line “I understand why we split before a month”. What the fuck. Is this what songs have come to now, so desperate to grab any kind of relationship to sing about that they'll either sing about one which didn't exist like Bruno thinks is acceptable or else they'll just sing about one which is barely even one.

A month. A month is shit all and it's not even like they were pulled away from each other due to unavoidable circumstances. They just didn't get along and broke up. Why is Olly singing about this. “It was short” - hell yeah it was. And also what's all this bullshit about “we tried” You tried. It's been a month. How long did you try for. A day. A week. I haven't heard such lazy giving the fuck upery since the soldiers from 28 Days Later decided that within the space of a month that; humanity was doomed, that the Earth needed to be repopulated, it was their job to do it and that luring women into the camp and raping them was the most effective way to accomplish this. And that was just 28 days. When did the rape plan start, like a week before maybe. I'd be worried about where I was getting loo roll from so I wouldn't have to wipe my ass with my hand after 3 weeks, not repopulating the Earth.

So yeah there it is. The things that have bothered me over the radio and several songs that I just wanted to draw attention to for the crime of being stupid. Remember everyone just because it has a catchy beat and a nice voice singing the words, it doesn't mean the words can't still be retarded.


  1. Mishearing lyrics can add to the fun. Until I checked the name of the song, I was sure Coldplay were singingabout Fucking Flies (Up in Flames) and the possum in the light.

    1. It can still work as a next chapter of the story of Mylo. The relationship has just fallen apart, and I guess fucking a flame would cause enough damage to cause that.

    2. I love music, songs that make my mood better. whenever I have free time, I usually use music on my phone, especially I use my favorite songs and set it as a ringtone. Here are some ringtones that I have found for myself that you can refer to:

  2. I blame the ' instant success' culture. Win x factor and become a star overnight. No hard work, no substance.

    1. Unfortunately we can only hate Olly Murs for this. The other two are safe and caused by the guy below's reason.

  3. I blame legions of very stupid teenagers

  4. But Jessie J is soooh pretty. Can't we let price tag off as being ironic?

    1. She may be, and although I don't think it's right I'll let her off the hook now for your sake. But B.o.B also had a hand in this, and his sins shall not be forgiven. Unless anyone wants to stand up for him?

    2. Then may B.o.B burn in the fiery hell of our scorn

  5. Ah, people , this is because Country Music is best. With lyrics along the lines of

    In the hell that is my life
    I shot my brother, then his wife
    The cops are gonna shoot me dead
    My girl was waiting and she said

    You're on your own now, you know
    Oh ob oh oh oh oh oh


    1. There might be a little dust on the bottle.
      But don't let that fool ya about what's inside.

    2. Just one of those things
      Gets sweeter with time

  6. notgaybutveryopenminded28 July 2013 at 19:12

    You don't like Christmas, clubbing, jj abrams, modern pop and you make me laugh. Will you marry me?

    Seriously, enjoyed the article.

    1. Having alot of anti things in common seems like a good place to start. Unfortunately I've already been swept off my feet by a large and hairy Russian man who owns a fruit stall at the local market and promises me a future of minimal labour and five bouncing baby boys.

      But if that all falls through then we'll see.
      Glad you enjoyed the article anyway, I appreciate it.

    2. And let's give a joint fuck you to JJ Abrams as well. Remember, never stop hating or else his infection will spread.

  7. Re mishearing lyrics. Are you sure "I understsnd why we split before a month" wasn 't "I understand we split cos I had mumps" which makes much more sense.

    Entertaining article.

    1. Glad you enjoyed it.

      I wish it was, but even so that line would make the song even more sickly in a way. So he broke up with her cause she was ill and now he wants her back because she's no longer sick. Lets hope she doesn't get anything serious like cancer or Olly will be off like a horse out the gate.

  8. You remember the white noise which was used to torture terror suspects? That was Radio One. Embrace FM Gold!