I'm starting to get the feeling that I
would like to have been born a long time ago. I don't mean this as a
technophobe, like I hate the modern world or anything. Well, slightly
I do and we'll get to that, although my only real fear for the future
is that I am still terrified of ever showing my kids the internet.
The first porn I ever watched was a double anal and that was just
from typing porn into Alta Vista search engine (only cause they had a
videos section and I didn't know how to use the internet to find
videos myself). Whatever they type in within the next few decades is
surely going to bring up horrors that I couldn't ever even begin to
comprehend in my small double anal world. They'll be the quadruple
anal generation. Generation XXX.
They're better than me, and for the
first time future parents have to concede that maybe when they
finally have to put on the gloves of authority, it won't matter
because there is nothing you can teach your child. They'll have seen
the shit. They'll know truths that you could never teach because to
know what they know, would drive your mind into an inescapable and
endless insanity. We're the last generation that needs guidance.
The last children.
But anyway got off to a bad start
there. I never really know how to start these things. Writing
articles is a lot like getting laid. It starts off all pointless
because in the title you've already stated what you're going to talk
about, I.E The Sex – for the sake of the analogy. But you've got to
do a pointless intro sidewinding it to that subject by talking about
bullshit, drinking, and being overly friendly with a person or people
that you don't know but treating it like it's a casual dialogue. Then
you get down to the meat, and it's fine, goes well for abit. Your
skill is competent enough that you seem like you know where you're
going (this would be the foreplay aspect of the analogy). Then it
gets down to the pulp. The writing about all your views and
compressing them down in a format with paragraphs (speed variation)
and pictures (Cock Slapping) that are used to not bore the audience
(throat). The article from this point will end one of two ways.
Either it'll go on for too long (like this one is) and end with no
climax (doesn't need brackets, cleverly works as an innuendo, this is
getting good) but instead, just you hopelessly rounding it off to
some point to satisfy the audience (the vagina/ass) before going
about your business. Either that or you just end it quickly with a
nonsensical joke that you had in the first place and only wrote the
article just to dump that one in the end (a selfish cum dump).
But now I feel like I've splurged
enough to get going. I could just write this and then edit it, but
since that would involve more than a spell check and using said spell
check to change every “jsut” into a “just”, then that would
take too long. I can't be bothered for that.
Really, what I'm complaining about
today hits me in the light of some sad news that has been heard this
week. We've heard about the sad news of the break up of our web-comic
artist and our writer Chapman (He's the guy who if you had only just
started reading the blog, would think was the only contributor,
because he is). But although this is sad news and is very strikingly
relevant to a close friend's life, that wasn't what affected me the
most this week. So what did?
Fucking GTA V getting delayed is such
horse shit that I was so bothered by the news, that upon accidentally
stumbling upon it while looking for porn, I was unable to masturbate
that evening. I just couldn't do it. I stared into the 17/9/2013
written in white bold against a cold black background and I was a
broken man. It was like kissing the lips of a drowning love as she
sank to the bottom of the lake, although with the added benefit of
knowing that she'll submerge in a few months looking way finer than
she did before. And that's cool. I don't see why people hate Rockstar
for the decision, afterall they are at least trying to improve their
product and at the very least even giving you a damn release date and
updates unlike some other company of a well loved franchise.
If Nicholas Cage were here he could decipher what the numbers mean.
I bet they spell out "Fuck You"
So I was bothered by this. And then I
went to go see Django Unchained to make myself feel better and I'm
ashamed to say I didn't really like it that much, and now because of
this any opinion I have will be shunned like an albino child. Then
recently I noticed that Sony were giving a press conference on the
20th February, clearly about the PS4. And then it hit me.
It hit me like a huge soggy tit furiously lactating in the warm
summer sun of a summer that had now set in the wake of a cold winter.
I wrote a dissertation and half heartedly chose a subject, not really
deliberating it for that long. But when I heard about the
announcement of the PS4 coming up, and read some of the intended
specs, I couldn't make up my mind as to whether I would purchase a
console from the upcoming generation.
I couldn't come to a decision and I
thought long and hard about it. I wasn't sure if they were powerful
enough, if console gaming was getting too expensive of a hobby to
fund, and whether or not my recent stint into owning a gaming PC had
made consoles for the most part irrelevant cause now I got that
sucker hooked up to the HD it really has lost any downsides in the
comfort region. And even though I should have spent longer on my
dissertation, or actually bothered to go out and build a life that
had any consequences in any way, instead I had let my life suck. But
it sucks in the best possible way. And that sadly, sucks.
And this is what's annoying about the
modern world. I know I said I liked it, but there's one big problem
that it constantly hits me with, and the real problem is it's not
really one problem it's lots of little insignificant problems. When
people had problems in the past, they were usually pretty big; Will
we eat tonight? I hope my child isn't a witch? Oh my God my children
are literally dying in my stomach due to malnourishment and yet I
don't really mind anymore cause this is just normal shit. That kind
of deal. The people got more comfortable. Couples would live in
comfort and worry whether their rock garden was better than their
neighbours or if their children were behaving and set to have good
jobs.
But then the internet hit. Mass media
finally had a foundation to build itself comfortably on. And people
like me were born, and we were happy. Very happy. Too happy. Nothing
in our lives went wrong. We were always entertained, never confused
as to what was happening in the world – we could find out all this
information at a google search. Entertainment was a sedative and a
comforting virtual companion force feeding me with cat videos and
angry video game nerd which drugged me up to impotency like an
anti-viagra, and so as far as having relationships was concerned,
there was no reason. Baby was happy. It's a simulated life compiling
all the best bits of Zero Punctuation and Hardcore Pornography into
what feels like a friend.
But here I was, struggling with a
dilemma which should never have existed. If there is a god then he is
becoming a lazy parent. He's not evil, if anything he's just kindly
indifferent gifting his children with all their deepest wishes until
eventually they have no drive left in them. I had stopped living my
life for myself and instead my problems no longer stem from my own
life. I fear for release dates of games, whether companies will go
under and that I won't get their products. I fear how the websites
and channels I view don't get enough updates to satisfy my thirst.
There's not enough news in the world to sustain me. I need another
terrorist attack or game announcement or something to keep me going.
I live off the checkpoints of life, set out before me by secret Sony
announcements and GTA V release dates, and when these are meddled
with, it makes me furious. Someone's changed the goalposts around and
it's as if I have no power over my life, because I have no life. My
life is determined by when products that I want come out.
When people asked me what I was going to do with my life I would simply point to this poster. Now I don't even have that
Now how am I supposed to fill my spring
2013 without GTA. Go outside. That stuff got old ages ago. It's the
same old stuff over and over again, just an endless sky and mountains
and everything's green or grey. The immediate world is not
interesting to look at. People criticize COD for being the same
iteration of the same stuff year in and year out, but then why do
people love the planet so much, it's just the same, but worse, it's a
daily update of the same mundane stuff.
And so the next big moment in my life
has arrived. Many people would think about their next step in life.
What they want to do, or be, and who they want to be with. We've
become adults afterall. But here I am, raised in this time and place
and there's only one question on my mind. Should I get a PS4? Is it
worth the investment when I have a PC with similar specs? Will the
games be good enough to warrant it? Should I get the new Xbox? I've
been with Playstation for so long, how do I know I'm not a fanboy? Am
I unbiased? I don't even know myself anymore.
But while I'm on the subject then, and
seemingly giving into my own nature completely, I am surprised at
what a 180 I've made on consoles. The exclusives are great. That's
really the one argument where I see consoles still rule the roost. If
you're with PC you get all the multiplatform stuff for the most part
and anything that is an exclusive will be an android or Mac
exclusive, and honestly who could give a shit about that.
This is Airburst Extreme.
If you don't own a MAC then please look at it and think about all the fun you missed out on
Also any new technology, such as the on
line streaming services being put forward by Onlive and Nvidia, will
be accessible far faster on the PC. The PC adapts quicker to new
markets. While Steam was in full swing, the last generation of
consoles barely had a recognizable online service that didn't include
much more than very empty multiplayer lobbies, which you could only
access through an expensive monthly payment and a ridiculous extra
block of hardware jammed into your system.
The more I look into it, unless Sony or
Microsoft can provide a hell of a lot of exclusives, which are mind
blowingly amazing enough that I can't resist them, then I'm really
not seeing why I should buy a next gen console. I'll have to wait and
see. The horrible thing being that if everyone waits and sees, then
Sony will have run out of money before they can wow us with anything,
which at least they'd have an excuse for not releasing a great
exclusive, unlike whatever the hell lazy excuse they have for the
Vita's bare ass library.
So that was it really. Those last few
paragraphs were my reasons why PC gaming has completely changed my
opinion on console gaming. The consoles have been good to us, but
even I get the feeling that they can't keep up now. It's time to let
it go. Why tie yourself down with one master who runs your entire
console, when you could have any of the free and great software that
the internet and your pc have to offer. Unless they release an
exclusive game which I literally can't refuse, and without a lot of
swearing and violent sexual imagery I am incapable of describing this
game, then I'll buy a PS4. But for now, that side of the market has
lost me.
Oh and GTA V will be not be on next gen
consoles, don't you think they'd announce or release a PC or Wii U
version first. It'd be way easier and less risky to develop. What a
stupid theory for the delay.
I love the fact this is labelled as Depressing. Surely we'd know if the next gen consoles were out this year? Rumour mill gone crazy
ReplyDeleteYou've sort of talked yourself out of getting the PS4. As for what to do this Spring, have you really forgotten the next instalment of MYLO XYLOTO comics is due in March (snort).
ReplyDeleteNo I haven't forgotten. Been watching them like a hawk. Still check in every now and again to the Coldplay store to decide whether or not I should preorder the damn things to review them easier. Only time and the presence of disposable income will tell.
DeleteWell as we know 'time is a loaded gun' and now you're not buying a PS4 you have more disposable income so...
Delete'The Last Children' ...what a great title for a book.
ReplyDeleteI liked the bit about the break-up not being the most tragic event compared to GTA. He should write more.
DeleteYes! I knew i liked you.
Delete