Monday, 12 November 2012

Star Wars Episode VII Darth Vader Returns and Michal Arndt Arrives

So as I was writing my Argo review in a desperate attempt to get it out before the film ceases to be relevant even here and I'm forced to profiteer off of it only when DVD sales come out, fate intervened and saw fit to show me a news article from British Tabloid Newspaper, the Express. So here is my second delve into the world of Star Wars Episode VII-IX.

This is my new favourite image from the Disney/Lucas Film Star Wars buy out. Because let us be frank people, this is more feasible, and more terrifying than any Darth Vader costume with Mouse ears.

But even Zach and Cody's Suite Life on Death Star isn't likely. Just as "I'm in the Rebellion" and "Aaron Star" also probably won't be coming around. This, frankly hilarious if true, article detailing the Return of Darth Vader has forced me to throw my hat into the already bursting arena of Star Wars Episode VII speculation and strife. Now, just before we begin, let me set the record straight, I don't think Darth Vader is coming back physically. It is wholly possible he could 'return' spiritually, we already know he can do the blue force ghost thing...That fucking Qui-Gon Jinn apparently invented! 

See, that was a surprisingly nice segue, what can they really do, like really, actually do, that will make you feel the same level of crushed all over again. Jar Jar Bink's son? Wedge Antilles Retirement do? Hell, even the aforementioned, supposedly reported resurrection of Darth Vader shouldn't vex you, we already witnessed the ruining his birth (immaculate conception...bloody hell) and his childhood, why not his Death and his old age?

And I honestly don't think Star Wars Episode VII, VIII and IX will be as bad as I, II and III. And just like I did in my Hotel Transylvania Review I'm going to show you why (if admittedly in much more concise a format) these next Star Wars films have a better chance of being good.

Written and Directed by: ???

Can you name who directed arguably the best Star Wars film, Episode V (we can save this argument for later). It is possible you knew, but I'd wager most don't, his name was Irvin Kershner, but it is more important in the fact he wasn't George Lucas. The same goes for Episode VI, directed by one Richard Marquand. Episode IV was directed by Lucas himself, but he was under severe limitations of the funders, it being the first movie. I've pretty much always held the belief that the first three Star Wars movies were good 'in spite' of George Lucas and the fact he able to exert full creative control over the Prequel trilogy is one of the most resounding reasons for their failure to connect with the Star Wars fans of the Original Trilogy. 

Which brings us to who is directing and writing of Episode VII. So far it has been confirmed that Star Wars Episode VII shall be written by none other than the man behind Toy Story 3 and Little Miss Sunshine, the latter of which won him an academy award on his debut, Michael Arndt. This man is also writing the new Phineas and Ferb feature film and Hunger Games 2, so we can be certain that it isn't just Disney who trust him. I'm going to assume the decision to hire Arndt is indicative of where Disney wants Star Wars to go, that is, noticeable quality that can appeal to both Adults and a younger audience...Which is absolutely fine, just because we've grown up, and the fans of the Original Trilogy even more so, doesn't mean today's generation can't have their fun. I personally count Arndt as a plus.

What is that Mickey, you need to stop an Internet wide Fanboy Meltdown? I'll see what I can throw together.

The director, as of the 12th of November 2012, hasn't been confirmed yet. The list on the internet however is fairly comprehensive, and I'd wager, completely pulled out of the air. With Spielberg already denying it, and for some reason, people even pulling Quentin Tarantino into the debate. Quantitative expression cannot describe how much I would pay to see Tarantino's Star Wars, so just as well it will never exist, because I don't have un-quantifiable amounts of money.

Episode VII Potential Directors (Picked out of the air by our dear friends at the Internet) : Matthew Vaughn, Steven Spielberg, Neill Blomkamp, Alfonso Cuarón, Darren Aronofsky, Joss Whedon, Joseph Kosinski, Colin Trevorrow, J. J. Abrams and Brad Bird.

That is a pretty damn talented bunch of people, while Disney is obviously remaining tight lipped at the moment, if any one of them got the job, I'd be increasingly optimistic. 

I mean we have Joss Whedon who recently catapulted Disney/Marvel's Avengers into a whole other stratosphere of awesome (I say this as a Whedon die-hard). 

Brad Bird of The Iron Giant and Incredibles Fame (both universally enjoyable family films).
Rehosted because Brad Bird needs more work, and needs to make The Incredibles 2 before Pixar makes Cars 3 and drives me to Seppuku. 

 J.J Abrams is there as I believe it is in his contract to appear in every perspective directors list.

Steven Spielberg, though after that South Park episode, I'm not sure if I'd trust him with another Storm Trooper.
Matthew Vaugn of Stardust and Kickass fame is also there, as well as Alfonso Cuarón who directed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Neill Blomkamp who you know as the man Peter Jackson found during Halo to make District 9. 

Aronofsky possibly seems the most out of place, with The Fighter, the Wrestler and Black Swan being his three most recent films. 
If you type in Indie Star Wars, this comes up, it basically killed my idea for a joke about Trevorrow

Where as Trevorrow and Kosinski fill out the cheap seats by being names I had to google. The former is an Indie Director, the latter predominantly made video game trailers (Gears of War's Mad-World Trailer and Halo 3's campaign trailer) with Tron: Legacy as his only film...legacy. Ouch.

So basically what we can determine from all that is that while people are throwing out all sorts of names around, some are fairly likely, possibly indicative of Disney's stance? Big guns, small guns, misplaced guns, a nuke or 2. I think using Joss Whedon to direct both of your recently bought out mega blockbusters might be slightly cheating on Disney's behalf, but I think it could work, and possibly make Joss Whedon the luckiest man on the planet. 

But regardless of who takes that sweet Directing chair on day one, it won't be George Lucas, yes, Disney have said he will stay on in an advisory role, but that is background noise, you don't pay 4 Billion dollars to let the same guy do the same job. Star Wars is out of Lucas's control, I personally think that is an amazing thing, you might decide differently. 

Anyway, the director/writing segment alone has exceeded way past what I planned it to, so consequently I'm going to wrap it down now. I have no doubt I'll be drawn back into this debate, there are still three years until the first one comes out, and apparently IX is tentatively set for 2021. I will be fucking 29. Oh god. What a horrific prospect.

Next week, unless I suffer a mid-life Crisis: Star Wars, why Green-screen should be kept to a minimal, a serious tone should be preserved, and no-one should utter the word, 'toyability'. 


  1. With disney n charge you know that every episode will end well. Someone (lets guess) will have a cute pet and no-one good looking will die. Do you think this would be a recipe for succes?

    1. Financial success, probably. Well, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford have all said they are interested, and none of them look good anymore. They will probably be the first to go.

      As for the cute pets, I would much rather everyone has a pet Ewok than a single Gungan rears it's head. Except Brian Blessed, his Gungan is welcome.

  2. When whataboutcynics has its cult status, please remember integrity and dont sell out to Disney.Don't compromise your principles for the megabucks. Are the tee shirts ready yet?

    1. Sorry about the tardy reply, it appears all three of us have been buried under University work. (They expect me to do something, not happy). Our integrity will remain intact until they offer to put me in a film with Iron Man, Tarzan and Boba Fett, then I will be faced with a Social Network-esque moral crisis.

      The t-shirts have also suffered from the work load, but they will hopefully get ordered this week, then I shall see if they are fit for consumption.

  3. Yes, universities are like that. Keep seeing the 3 of you as Disney characters but maybe best not go there. You're doing a great job, t shirts and all!