Saturday, 24 November 2012

Mylo Xyloto - The comic series review. Issue 0: The Car Kids

Well here it is, I've been waiting for it, the world's been waiting for it, and there's even one sick individual who's been waiting for my review of it, but it's all here anyway. Coldplay's first issue, or issue zero, or the prequel to what will become the Mylo Xyloto comic series. Never has a worse idea, with a stranger creative team behind it ever been put forward to my recollection, but I have been so excited about this, mostly for it's potential god awfulness, that I haven't been able to sleep since this was announced.

The only issue of what I assume was the first early issues given at comic con this year are from Coldplay's Hurts Like Heaven music video, of which the video was the entire first issue of Mylo Xyloto. I have to say that whatever I thought this was going to be, namely bad and like it was written by a 12 year old, has been almost completely exceeded. So I've got some screen grabs of the thing, although I'm not certain about copyright or how legal this is, and we'll run through the key moments of this opening issue to check out why I think it's a little bit crappy.

So we start off with the cover of Issue 0 of Mylo Xyloto, named “The Car Kids”. I don't think I really have to say why this sucks masses of dicks already because well that's just kind of a stupid name. You'll notice however that the titular Mylo and Xyloto are not present in the comic or it's cover, in fact we are introduced to the, and I use this word damn lightly, characters of Aiko (the blue one, cause he be a boy) and Lela (the pink one, cause she a lady).

You'll notice here that one of the best things ever has been written down, a sentence which I've only ever dreamed of reading: Story by Coldplay and Mark Osbourne. I really didn't think this was going ever going to come through, but yes both Coldplay, the once angsty altern-rock band and the creator/writer of Kung Fu Panda have teamed up to bring to us a dystopian epic romance comic book. There already seems to be an in memoriam on the first page already. I assume Jean Giraud killed himself when he realised this was actually a thing that he was spending his last few years on. Mmm, after a quick Google search it turns out he died of cancer. But there is good news, he didn't work on this, so it can't stain his career as the incontinent shit stain that it is. At least he hasn't pulled a Bernie Mac and gone out with some dignity.

In Tainted Memory Of

Back to the comic itself though. So it's a dystopian universe, which based on the character art I was already concerned about because dystopian societies are horrible, like as bad as it can get. You have to make them gritty and tyrannical or else anytime you attempt to create drama or terror in them the audience just isn't going to buy it because it's too cushy. In a dystopian society, nothing needs to particularly happen on the outside, the occupants can even look happy. But you need to get the feeling that below the surface, if you ever slip up and get caught, the government is going to torture you, break you and then kill you. There needs to be dark, soul destroying fear below the surface. If you don't do this then it'll look stupid and safe and as if it's danger as written by a 12 year old who has no comprehension as to just how shitty and irritating continuing to be alive can be. I'm going to go and point out, or let the comic do it for you in the next few slides as to why it has failed to do this.

This is still the first page and you know what, I'll stick with this page for a minute more. It's called Silencia. Really. Really. Right let's move on.

Oh look it's our protagonist running from someone who's telling him to “stop”, and he's leaking colours. That's weird I guess.

Oh man he is so defiant. What a hero. I'm also not sure if he's whispering that under his breath or shouting it back to them, but either way it sounds pretty gay and also... what the hell is that? Colour is Crime. Are you kidding me. What the hell is that. I was looking through the comments of the music video and there was one guy who said he was 16 and that he agreed that colour and beauty was being banned in the world and that he was going to go and start a revolution to free the world. That's the kind of dumbass that agrees this is a striking idea.

Now I know the album frequently mentions graffiti and “spray can souls”, which are stupid and do make a lot of Mylo Xyloto's dystopian society and it's rebellious kid groups come across as pretty lame, even by a dystopian world imagined by Chris Martin and Co's standards. The least it could be is have some white supremacist undertones to it instead of just being a song about a government banning every colour outside of the spectrum of grey.

Now comes the magical element of the comic, which I still don't really get and don't fully remember this being mentioned at all in the album, unless it was bought up in “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall”, because I still have no idea what that songs doing in there. It just seems like the album taking a break from being a story about love and revolution to waste time talking about a night out Chris Martin had, because I sincerely doubt a totalitarian government as furiously against colour and music would allow you to turn your “music up”. I think this is the Mylo Xyloto equivalent of firing RPGs wildly into the air at an Al Qaeda base camp.

Anyway, so the Silencers (Jesus) tell the man, who's called Aiko by the way, to stop shooting sparks, which we're helpfully informed at the bottom are “magic, sound filled graffiti created from the fingertips of the Spark Rebels”. I really don't know what to say about this but the fact that magic has been bought into this is already so borderline retarded that I feel stupid just reading this panel. After six more issues like this I can't see how I won't be spinning round wildly in a circle just spewing out sparks of shit all over the walls from my spray can ass in my madness.

It's not so much this is even bad, but come on magic from fingertips, like I can't even begin to see what relevance this has to Mylo Xyloto the album anymore. This could just be anything right now, but it's been dumped onto the label of a Coldplay product to sell more, and it will, even though it's a stupid idea.

So Aiko runs away and jumps onto a train at which point the comic tells us that the Car Kids are fighting to keep sound and colour on the streets, by randomly defecating it wildly around the town, and in my opinion making the place look a lot shittier than it already did. At least grey had it's consistency.

Also I know it said it came from the fingertips, but look at that, unless he had his fingertips right under where his ass was, I'm still sticking with the shitting hypothesis (which you'll know if you've read my other stuff is a very popular bit of imagery for me).

He meets the Car Kids gang...
and the silencers come in their droves...
and it all seems over blah blaedtsrtjzgbhwrsw...
But luckily our heroes liquid shit their way down a billboard and away to freedom.

Thank the lord, this means there's more.

So the gang hide out in a sewer later that night and then our two lover's meet.

Yeah. You see that. Satisfied. Good cause that's all you're going to get in terms of any character development. Moving on. If Mark Osbourne (with the accolade of the writer of Kung Fu Panda) doesn't give a crap then honestly neither do I.

So the guards burst in...
Our 'group of people who we've just watched running around and doing nothing' try and escape but hit a wall...
So then Lela throws some multicoloured finger jizz at the wall...
And then it becomes a portal...

 WHAT THE HELL! What's even the problem then, why don't they just telespunk their way out of every problem, oh God damn this who cares. But I'm pointing out Deus Ex Machinimas already and it's only page 5.

So they literally jump in to a plot hole...

And then end up in the tripping balls dimension. 

This is probably the best part of this comic, even though it isn't even in the comic as it's just filler for the video, but this is good because it's the only part of the comic which isn't the comic. You can thankfully recreate this sensation at any point while looking at the comic. All you need to do is look away to anything else in the room. It could be to your abusive father running at you with a clenched fist or your cat stretching its leg over its head so it can lick its own balls. Now return to the comic. You will notice that not reading the comic, regardless of what it was, was your favourite part of the last few moments of your life.

 Enjoy it...
While it...

But anyway so then we're introduced to our antagonist and the origin of all the obstacles our gang seem to be facing.

Oh wow Major Minus, he must be our antagonistic dictator. This should be good. He's building up an army, which seems abit much just to take on a group of colour cumming teenagers, but I can at least respect the man's ambition to get the job done. I bet he's got some interesting philosophy or a cool internal motive driving him.

Mmm, maybe not. But sadly better than expected.

Hey it's that underdeveloped relationship again. I guess the closer their eyes are, the more we're supposed to give a shit...
Oh yes, more colours...
So then they trash the place...
Rally the wide eyed population...

Who are comprised of idiots and children, who I suppose are all going to go to riot in a bloody battle and then lose horribly against the Silencer army.

Right this is my favourite bit and not because it's any good, it's just the sudden shift in the tone of the panels. Here they are messing about...

And then

And now it's all gone tits up. I love this bit because it means they're all going to get tortured horribly and since I don't care about these characters at all other than they like colour and are very easily impressed with everything, then I'm happier for their lives and in turn the comic to end as soon as possible.

There's the worst villain ever hanging out with his army for some reason. I can now see why a guy, even as boring and pointless as he is, could have so easily dominated over such a moronic species.

Then Aiko and Lela get separated and call out each others names...

Oh no their eyes are getting further apart, that must mean bad thing, bad thing happen, me sad.

I'm more confused at this point about why they didn't just did paint portal their way out of there, but I guess that because it's magic it can be random, so who cares.

So the Car Kids are rounded up for mass tortures and executions and the the most impotent resistance ever is amazingly shut down...
 The Sparks are extinguished yada yada...
And all hope is lost, although I still personally think it was gone from the start, just hanging around in its death throes for a little bit to sell a few comics...

In fact the only character I feel sorry for is that little cleaning robot, cause it looks like its late and this is definitely a waste of his time.

But wait is all hope lost, or is this fat, middle aged looking child the hero we've been waiting for?

 Oh man it's Mylo. Well we're not even at the bulk of the series and already I am watering at the vagina...

A part of me hopes that in this moment Mylo realised that colours weren't an adequate rally to the troops and that instead painful, murderous, rageful vengeance must be enacted on his dictators. Now that's a dystopian comic I'd read. Not quite pay for though.

So Mylo leaves us to go to bed, because even he's bored of this comic at this point, leaving behind him a multi coloured stain on the window that he probably couldn't even be bothered to wash off his hands when he stained them while taking one of his diarrhoea rainbow shits. I guess that's a genetic trait or something. I don't know.

Anyway Mylo won't last the night because a patrol's going to spot that colour from street level and Mylo along with all his family and everyone he's ever known will be removed from their homes in a night raid, taken out into the street and shot in the gutter.

But yeah overall this was a pretty irrelevant and pointless addition to the Mylo Xyloto franchise, if it can even be called that. The ideas are barely relevant to the album and the whole thing just comes across as shoddy, lazy and a little babyish overall.

I'd love for it to end here, Oh how I wish this was the case, but we've still got an entire series of Mylo Xyloto left. Yes, a whole other six issues to go. Maybe I'll check in on them again when I have little to no reason to live anymore.

Or most likely when I inevitably run out of other ideas.

In the interests of fairness however if for some reason you're mental, then the Mylo Xyloto comic book series can be pre ordered through the online Coldplay store.


  1. Next review Snowboard Kids for N64

    big dickz 4 lyf

  2. First an apology. When i naively suggested that Coldplay might produce something iconic i was clarly talking rubbish which is what this comic is (iconic it is not). You have said it all in your blog and i cant really add anything. I am horrified that anyone thought this comic was a good idea. No humour, no in-jokes that just might have saved it from true awfulness. A clear case of stick to what you're good at. Thanks for the blog anyway. Will you be persuing this?

    1. I'm assuming you were the anonymous who hoped it might be funny. Yeah I agree that that could have saved it, because this thing was never going to shine in any other way. I'm surprised that as much as I think Kung Fu Panda is average, I'm surprised that for a film that was at least an alright comedy, he has written such a dry comic.

      I think there's so much to pick at, and that since I'm going to be reading it anyway, I won't be able to help myself attacking it some more when the later issues are released. I really want to see how embarassing this gets. It's our duty afterall as human beings on the internet to criticize things mercilessly.

  3. Same anonymous; I also wonder if this comic is aimed at young teenagers and gives the message - if the wall is grey spray paint at it. Im sure these comics will sell like hot cakes at the concerts too - you'll buy anything when you're on a high. This is not Coldplays finest hour.Has anyone talked to Steve Martin about it?

    1. I assume you mean Chris Martin, and I can't find any quotes from him other than how excited he is about the launch. Don't think he particularly cares

  4. When is the next one out?

  5. Brian - Feb 2013 is the next issue.

  6. Watching Strawbery Swing video, it seems idea took root a long time ago. Man in questionable superman outfit now usurped by mylo character....?

  7. Cheese. that is all.

    1. Sadly enough I am much more qualified to response to this comment than the one above about Coldplay videos I haven't seen.

      I originally read this as Cheers, however, now I see it says Cheese, I am perhaps, even more bemused...An article is coming tomorrow by the way, once Ronald Reagan is firmly in his Coffin again. Forgive the lack of action.

    2. *Respond, pardon my spelling, if my essays are filled with that sort of thing, I'm screwed...

  8. Man in Str. Swing video is Chris Martin looking like a cross betwen superman, Robin and Mary Poppins, worth a look if you're drunk.


    the above link is one of billy bob's finest JeeHarv productions.

  10. Are there going to be more Mylo Xyloto Reviews still?

    1. Yep, was searching for how to get them for free, but i relented and bought them. Will be receiving the first few issues in the next few days and then will see if they're any good or not. I assume they won't be and that'll give me something to talk about.

      Thanks for the interest though

    2. It's out now if you want to check out the first issue review.

  11. I'm not sure but... hey this is just the first issue man, and you people are acting like you know the whole story already. Anyway it's just a comic story, not the real life of chris martin(hop off his balls you homo, it's his manager that's taking control here), and definitely not a history document like what I think you'd prefer... your reviews are completely biased... There must be some message in the story, but you assumed that kids would be foolish enough to spray paint on random walls... do you remember when you were a kid? This is what I think, and you people should have a break, wait for a few issues before you make conclusions, don't be a dick, it ain't cool or mature at all...

    1. I would've expected my reviews to be biased because I can't really imagine what else a review could be. I'm not writing an objective statement about it, it's just my opinion.

      Also I'm criticising it for being basic, which is what it seems to be, there are more issues coming later so I'll see if it gets better, but for now I'm just concluding that I think it's quite shit.

      I don't it makes me a dick for not liking something either. If that were the case then I'd never be able to dislike anything, and so the entire premise of the website being cynical would fall apart. Not really sure what you were expecting from this website given that.

  12. Hey,have you ever studied or grabbed a history book or something?Because you are pathetic.

    1. Not sure if you're talking about me or the guy who mentioned history in the comment above. If it's not me then high five. If it's me then I have no idea what you're on about.