Tuesday, 6 November 2012

The Political Machine 2012: Election Day Special Theodore Roosevelt Vs Al Gore

So as I speak (type) the day is ticking over from the 5th of November to the 6th, and as I really hope you are aware, that is American Election Day. All that really fun political campaigning, the constant Daily Show watching, endless articles, soon it will all be for nothing as the American populous get a task of utmost important, electing the new leader of the 'free world'. In honour of this I thought I would upload the Campaign I did recently on the Political Machine, unfortunately I don't have time to do a Romney/Obama one and write it up before the results, so you'll have to do with this wacky Scenario, Teddy Roosevelt Vs Al Gore!.

While, due to not having either candidate from the current election, this turned out to be less relevant and consequently, probably less funny, I hope you enjoy. Failing that, go read the 'critically acclaimed' first Campaign I did of this game, Obama vs Michelle Bachmann (Aka, Easy Mode) for some brutal attacks on all your favourite American Politicians. (Also, yeesh, talk about TL;DR, go to the bottom for the funny stuff as well).

Maybe after the election I will do who I want the candidates for 2016 to be...

But before we begin this trip into absurdity, a serious moment please, I have a small favour to ask of any Americans reading this before the election takes place, as I know we have a sizable (relative to the site of course) American viewership. I'm not going to try and change your vote, but recently a statistic was posted that over 90 million wouldn't be voting, so if you think you might not be voting tomorrow, I implore you to, do not end up under the wrong government due to apathy. (Also, totally vote Obama) Woops, did I say that. Anyway, moving on. Game-Screenshot aided political comedy time, US 2012, here we come!

So this election starts out rather inconspicuously, just like the actual one coming up, all those Red states look Red, and Blue look Blue, but with Teddy Roosevelt running a campaign from the 1900s, and from a Republican standpoint that was reversed with that of the Democrats in the 40s-60s, we basically have two variations of Democrats running (Massively over-simplification, one is a very imperialist Democrat). Either way, prepare for things to go slightly weird.

So in week two one of the fabled 'Random Events' that always seem to mess up my campaign came along, and it was good news, Theodore's already quite substantial fund (I assume accumulated by being a bad ass) is augmented. Al Gore starts to realise that now is the time to get... super cereal (sorry, had to).

Theodore Roosevelt Fact Time: Did you know Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to fly in a plane whilst in Office. He flied for 4 minutes. This is relevant because TR spends about 90% of his life flying in this game. As you can see, TR's state of New York is already well on it's way to becoming a battleground, and there are little Interview markers all over the map. Let us go see how Teddy will deal with the 'television'.

Both questions were about Hollywood celebrities and the Elite Media, to which of course Teddy replied that he really like that Chaplin fellow, and that Laurel and Hardy act aren't bad either. Allegations of being out of touch run rampant after the debate, but hey, Theodore just shot O'Malley, so all was well.

The second interview went marginally better, as you can tell by the background, the Coldcut Repertoire quite likes American Imperialism, though weren't such fans of Trust-busting. The Roosevelt campaign staff start wonder why they bothered resurrecting him. Perhaps a change of tact is in order?

So by week five New York has already gone Purple, being that that is Roosevelt's home state, we can assume not good, thankfully ground gained in the mid-west, and California going from light blue to grey are all signs that this is going to be one weird election.

After three weeks nothing has really evolved except Teddy is significantly poorer, having lost the majority of his wealth trying to re-lease the Panama Canal, followed by a privately funded invasions when they refused. Luckily Al Gore didn't visit Ohio once during those 3 weeks, so the American public's opinions for all intensive purposes stayed the same.

Despite, or possibly because of Roosevelt's attempts to privately kickstart American Imperialism, the National Organisation for the Support of Coloured People backs him over...Al Gore? Many call the move wildly unfounded and "Completely illogical", meanwhile, Union Workers like Al Gore a bit more..And we call that News?

Not happy about Theodore Roosevelt's Campaign so far (for obvious reasons), the Republican wonder four (Romney, Santorum, Perry and Gingrich) hit him with a lawsuit for dragging the Republican Party's good name through the dirt with that last endorsement. Lots of harsh words were said, we will leave it at that. And then...

Three weeks of limited campaigning later and Theodore Roosevelt stages a violent coup-de-tat on the Environmentalist Club Office, days before they were going to obviously announce their support for Al Gore. This shocking revelation turns California into the deep Red (See to the left) and leaves many wishing they had sued Teddy for more.

Another interview on the Barry King show, and my mouse almost slipped clicking the initial response, I then carefully considered for a few seconds selecting 'Mandatory Abortions for Everyone'. But figured that would probably count as stealing Al Gore's policy (rimshot), so I went for the nice liberal option instead. As we learnt from Romney, have to change your opinion as the situation demands.

In an attempt to get the GOP more onside and in the vain of their traditional image, Teddy recruits this guy, Mitt Romney's dad! Think of him like Scrooge McDuck, he jumps into that pile of money every night, destroying his spinal column...But don't worry, he can afford Health Care!

Back to the campaign map you can see things are going ok, all of the Purple States are in favour of Gore, but at the moment I was feeling pretty confident, it didn't seem much could go wrong with the lesser populated states.

You can click to enlarge as always, but it says 'Roosevelt Screws up Big-Time on King'...Which is true, I replied that I liked the song 'I Ran' when it came to the Middle East political situation, and that Farm Subsides were a bad idea...Which as we learnt from last time, is a terrible, terrible...Horrible idea.

Back on the Political Stage four weeks later, some states start to go Solid Blue, those Purple States remain thoroughly Gore-rite, and Texas goes overwhelmingly Red, for the first time ever mimicking California I'd wager (I told you this would be a weird one). Also, if you look closely in Ohio, both sides have constructed their own Pentagon in it. That is just how important Ohio is people!

Apparently the National Foreign Policy Committee found my policies on invading and subjugating the entire of Latin America Unfeasible.Well screw those guys, they can't even draw Europe or Africa right...Also Roosevelt wins over the NRA..Joy. Michael Moore is going to be all over Roosevelt's ass for this.

Oh man, it is that time where we get to pick our Running Mates, for the Vice Presidency. Oh man, I love this bit, and I picked...You can click if you want, or I can tell you. Ron...Libertarian Son....Paul! Give it up for Roosevelt/Paul 2012! Unfortunately Paul makes the Campaign immediately in several places, but oh well, the things we do for love.

(Also, Al Gore picks Nancy Pelosi, someone I can't make many funny jokes about, though her daughter makes some fine documentaries. Also, Al Gore talks on Supporting Israel and ending Obesity)

Skip ahead 5 weeks for maximum impact and Ron Paul has turned it around...Which is terrible because we were winning before hand! Even California went purple, though we did manage to win back Michigan. Part of me really isn't sure how this works when RP is popular in Michigan and not California. Oh well, I will assume this is more of Theodore Roosevelt's presence royally Shafting the space-time continuum.

 As Ron Paul all but assures our lead in the Solid South drifts away into nothing but Florida, Theodore Roosevelt considers getting his Bull Moose gun and ending it now, replacing him with someone like Sarah Palin, say what you want about her, at least she never cost the Republican Party Georgia! A string of bad interviews also give the stuttering Gore Campaign time to recover, though Ohio is looking sweet and Red at this point.

As Purple disease (Also known as Paulitus) creeps in both East and West towards Texas, Roosevelt makes some more impassioned speeches in the North East and Florida, as well as recruiting as many people as his millions can buy him to help him win places like Ohio, and desperately try and reclaim California, Neveda, North Carolina, Pennsylvania etc. 

48% Gore in Arkansas?! Come on, his political party starts with the letter R, what more do you people want! It turns out having two thoroughly UnRepublican politicians head your Republican political bid has slight draw backs. But luckily the money keeps pouring in, and several ke, largely populated states go Red. 

Siding in favour of the 'Canadian Style Communist Regime' was vital for gaining the votes of New York. Don't ask. New York did become an insanely sought after battlefield though.

As we get into the last two weeks, Paul and Pelosi find themselves in ever more frequent duels to the death over New York, California and North Carolina. Roosevelt and Gore get into a running gun battle on the streets of Brooklyn, and everyone is claiming to support Israel more than the next guy. (somethings remain consistent, even in a fucked up continuum).

And so in the final week, with the final piece of Stamina used in hunting down a Bear loose in Maryland with nothing but a paperclip, Theodore Roosevelt retires from Campaigning, much as Barack Obama and the incredibly bedraggled Mitt Romney will probably be doing soon, and settle in to watch the results do their thing. Roosevelt sits down in the knowledge he couldn't have been any more of a bastard, Al Gore in the fact that he couldn't have been any more of a place holder.

Disaster as the results come in and New York, after all that campaigning, and the headquarters being there, goes Blue for Gore and he takes an early lead...Roosevelt prepares himself to commit honourable seppuku if he loses, is momentarily happy. But then...

Woo, Roosevelt/Paul takes the White House. I personally like to think Theodore Roosevelt immediately commits suicide anyway, and thus we end up with President Ron Paul, who embarks upon the four most passive years of Presidency ever (Because let's face it, he was nothing going to win as the main candidate).

And so there we have it, the final States Result map for 2012, in this terrible alternate timeline. I hope you enjoyed it, even if it wasn't quite as relevant or funny as the last. And now we just wait for the real results to come in.

Will America be plunged back 50 years, or will Liberalism, Reason, Logical and Equality win out in the hearts and minds of the common American? You decide! Well, actually, if you are like me, you probably don't get to decide. Damn Nation-States, what kind of a shoddy concept are they? But yes, this time tomorrow, probably when the majority of you are reading this, we will have a good idea of who will be leading the United States for the next four years...Talk about tense stuff, lets hope the right one wins. 

(Though, being a white male, we all know I win either way) I kid, I kid, enjoy the election folks. No doubt I'll be writing about it soon enough.


  1. Please can i hijack your article just to put the american readership staight on something? When Romney implied that Stephen Hawking would not be alive today if he was British and had to rely on the NHS, can i just say Stephen Hawking IS British and says he owes his life to the NHS. Sorry, had to get that in.NOT influencing your vote!

  2. Me again, sorry about the above and hijacking your space. It does seem like Obama is being predicted to win. Can we expect a blog once the result is in? If Obama wins, i will send you a HUGE internet hug.

    1. Definitely, I'm staying up until whenever it ends GMT and covering it, so yes, come back and expect celebrations when the results are confirmed for a win. Or bitter drinking and ranting if it is a loss.

      The Twitter page will also be broadcasting vitriolic hate throughout the evening.

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