Monday, 22 October 2012

The Political Machine 2012: My First (Easy) Election Campaign

So I've grown to really like the screenshot playthrough review, to the extent I think I might be doing it too much. Though as both of my most popular articles on this site are screenshot playthrough reviews, I might just keep it up. So today I will be giving you a glimpse into my first attempt of playing "The Political Machine 2012". A fun Steam game that was so cheap I picked up 4 copies (Decadence, thy name is Aaron) just in case my friends wanted to play...Or, in all honesty, because I want to try and win the US 2012 Presidential election against one of my friends, and this is definitely the closest I'll get.

The Political Machine 2012 is the third in the Political Machine series by Stardock, predictably the last two were on 2004 and 2008, unfortunately 2000 was deemed ill suited to a game, as if you play as the Republicans, you can cheat...Oooh, long setup rim shot.

So I suppose I should actually post some screenshots. Here is your first glimpse into my campaign. It is week 1. I've decided to play Obama after I realised my prospects of winning with DR ATHEIST were astronomically low. The Obama War Machine has 4 Million dollars, soon to be used on strange headquarters. Obviously he starts off in Illinois, which is currently 56% Obama, 34% Romney.  A solid start, I might just win one state, more than Ralph Nader ever did....I'll see myself out.

The main reason I took this screenshot, sadly, wasn't to give you an idea of what could be discussed in the speeches of this game, but because I laughed for a good 2 minutes at the idea of a speech on "Firing Big Bird", Patching via Steam basically validates itself when you can add something like that.

So who is my opponent in what promises to be the worst Presidential Election in history? Why, because it was my first time, I decided to go what amounts to Very Easy mode (though unfortunately no such option). Nope, not even Sarah Palin...I wanted a tutorial, so Michele Bachman, I choose you! 

As you can see currently in my camp already (if loosely, heavy blue means firmly) are many of those lovely liberal North-Eastern states, ending abruptly at Virginia. The Mid-West is looking thoroughly Republican, but they have like 3 college votes each, so 'screw you mid-west, I got Cali'. I also have the lovely Oregon and Washington...home of Edward Cullen. They have Texas, me New Mexico and Michigan.
(Also worth noting we Both set up stuff in Ohio straight away...Bachman went on the HQ offensive more than me)

Like the William Wallace  of the North-East, Obama rides up there and secures a lovely enclave of stuff bordering Canada, while Bachman tries to secure North Carolina. I already have a HQ there though. It was around this time I remembered I should probably go to Florida, where interestingly, they absolutely love it if you choose "Support Israel"...Which I did with utmost joy. 

So despite her Best Efforts, the O-Bomber walks into North Carolina and wins it over with a smile, hopefully breaking up what was looking to be a pretty solid south. Bachman continues to win over the Mid-West, but my "Vote for me or you are a Racist" Campaign wins over about...6 voters in Virginia...Oh well. 

In a weird turn of events the first two places to turn solid Blue Democrat are Illinois (expected) and North Carolina...A flaw in the game, or just how awesome I am at winning over swing states? Either way, with that good news entering Week 11, I decide to go try and win Florida with a money offensive...Though at this point I've run pretty low...Obama is going to start flying with Easyjet at this rate.

A lot has changed in the 5 weeks between 11 and 16. Ohio joined the Democrats in terms of solid blue (wish it would do that in real life already). Texas and Minnesota get the dubious claims to being the first 'Solid Red' states. Florida goes purple?! Meaning that the B-Man and Mrs B-Man have fought over it long enough that it has become a 'battleground state' *cue pok√©mon music*.  Also...Note that I'm direly low in funds, I'm pretty sure Obama is cycling across America at this point.

But then using my 'high awareness' in California and my 'Money Man' (read: Generic Monopoly Money man) I manage to get 500,000 big ones from my Californian Fund Raiser. I love rich Democrats. Solving, at least for a short while, my economic problems. 

It is at this point I realise I should've been buying endorsements (Tutorial, Bachman, easy remember?). So I decide to get the National Organisation for the Support of Coloured People to support me. A dumb move in retrospect as I'm pretty sure compared to Michele bloody Bachman, I had the minority vote pretty much won. But oh well, hopefully I won over Clayton Biggsby. 

Unfortunately I didn't get any screenshots of me on the O'Malley Scenario, I answered all the questions too quickly, and it ends really abruptly, but I'll have to get some screenshots of it in the next one. The hilarious disparity in the answers is amazing. I like to think Obama thinks of the two polar opposite sentiments before choosing which one to say.

Oh yeah! Up until this point I had no real idea how well I was doing. It was nice to see Bachman was starting to sweat. Oh shit, she is called Bachmann, I'll have to go and correct that.

Yes...Bachmann picked Richard Nixon to be her running mate (The most recent DLC was apparently adding historical figures). Look to the next picture to see who I picked!

You had better believe it...Obama/Jefferson 2012. The political dream team. So yeah. More states in the North East go blue. Virginia goes into battleground mode, which is the best I could hope for in the capital of the confederacy. North Carolina is joined by Tennessee in my campaign for the south. California goes solid blue, and Bachmann loses Alaska...Somehow. 

Skip ahead 7 largely eventless weeks, just lots of campaigning...constantly saying that I support 'decreasing unemployment'...Because my campaign would go so well if I said I loved it. Basically this is where I start to gain the upper hand. Idaho and a couple of mid-western states go solid red, but nothing compared to my Democrat onslaught in and around the east coast. NC is joined by South Carolina, and Bachmann learns to stay out of the North-East, Jon Stewart is appointed Obama's regional governor in this new country.

Moving into week 31 I continue to hold a fairly steady lead. My Nevada project ended in failure, but Oregon turned Dark Blue. Bachmann also racked up some more of those terrible...oppressive...mid-western states, but with 10 weeks to go, all seems good.

I managed to get a picture of this interview, but it was a really boring one in Kansas about farms. He spent most of it asking me about Farm Subsides...which, like any good President, I totally winged it and said I loved Farm Subsides...I figured if I didn't Superman would probably lynch me. I ended up winning over many Independents with my lies...Woohoo!

Blagh Blagh Blagh, Idaho Farm Subsides. Leslie Danger. Very Pointy Barack Obama Chin. This is why no Democrat goes to Kansas except to find Smallville

Week 37, and as you can see, my lies about Farm subsides has gone some way to winning me Kansas and the mid-west, unfortunately the Bachmann Fightback has been fairly strong. Ohio and North Carolina turning Purple were blows, but both remained about 5% in favour of me, so I wasn't overly worried. I like the way everyone ignored Washington, Montana and North Dakota...and I just realised that this is really really useful for my American States. Spotify here I come straight after this.

It is election time, unfortunately this obnoxious sign blocked the proceedings of the election, so President Obama actually knew last whether he won. It was a tense minute as it zoomed past each state. Votes to win 270.

Oh hell yes...Obama/Jefferson wins it. Look at all those flags, and for some reason Enviromentally friendly wind-mills in the background, even though I'm pretty sure I never mentioned the Enviroment in my speeches. Meh, maybe it was Jefferson's thing, I basically ignored him for 20 weeks, who knows what he promised. But yes, with Obama getting victory over the inferior Bachmann, peace, prosperity, and apparently lots of terrorist hunting will continue over the next four years. One more picture coming up, you are almost done.

So after all that work, there we go. If the 2012 Election actually looks anything like that for Obama, I will consider myself a very happy man. But unfortunately I think it'll probably look more like that famous 'Jesusland Vs Sciencetopia' picture from 2000. So yeah, sweeped basically everything on the East Coast except meddlesome Georgia. 

Got the important swing states/battlegrounds of Florida, North Carolina, and Ohio. Lost Nevada which prevented me from linking up the East and the West...I was very angry with virtual Nevada....And Arizona, that would've worked as well. So yeah, 411, and I even got Utah...I think I will need to crank up the difficult next time...Or maybe put it really low and see if I can get Texas.

But until that fatal next Campaign, I bid you adieu my fellow Americans...I've got some Farm Subsides to sign into law. 


  1. Would it be quite fun to see how quickly you could lose an election?

  2. This is fantastic, incredibly entertaining read!