Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Late Night British Commentary on the US Presidential Debate+Introduction

Ok, so upon having re-read this twice whilst very tired, I've decided to keep it how it is. It isn't terrible, at points, pretty funny, at points, very cringy. There are probably a couple of spelling errors, but I advise you look over them, I was typing fast. I think its a perfect microcosm of the debate itself. We have me being low and making stuff up (Romney) and me not really trying (Obama). And we have me trying to work out why I am even here (Jim Lehrer). I don't recommend you read all of the spiel, I tried to highlight some of my favourites in bold, but keep in mind, I'm running on empty right now.

Remember, it is rambling, basically stream of thought, others will state it much better than me, having thought about it for much longer than the few seconds before finger hit key DURING the debate. Also, remember I'm bias as hell. (It is also vain how every picture is a picture of my ugly face, ignore them if you will, filter them if you can).

It is quite interesting to note how sometimes I get it completely wrong, I've left those moments in because I quite like them. I was just trying to judge what I saw, in an admittedly retarded fashion, which I ask you to excuse. The political nerd in me got excited, and the wannabe comedian got eager. I went kind of crazy with fake quotes as well...

On a serious note, I suppose you can consider this my actual write up, the rest of it below is an amusing subtext of how I entertained myself for the debate's duration, a fun, amateur timeline of events. But on a genuine level, I'm kind of worried. My view of the American public (And this goes for all public's, not just America) isn't very high, and after that stereotypical 'rude Republican attack', which worked stunningly well against the kind of 'polite, level headed' Obama, then who knows what that could do to Obama's less than comfortable lead. More so than any other Democrat/Republican Presidential race, this one truly seems like scientific progress against backwards dogma, and if Romney wins, we will try and justify that it is still okay, but it really won't be...But not much can be done about it now, time to wait for the percentages to come in, and time to hope that Biden can earn his comfy chair for the next 4 years in a weeks time. 

And in the mean while, that the Obama Campaign slaps OB into shape after this, he might just need it, and we certainly do.

Stream of Thought Begins:

So it is currently nearing 2am in this United Kingdom, curse the person who invented time zones, I've narrowed it down to Benjamin Franklin or God, and I only have empirical evidence that B Frankz exists. I've decided, against my better judgement, to watch the 1st US Presidential debate of this election. The knightly duel of wits, wills and backtracking. I don't have enough time to think of witty things.

So young, and eager and full of hope. Poor kid. His Liberal Bubble is about to get popped

For the past hour since this lovely youtube live-stream (the first time youtube has broadcast a presidential debate, I'm told). Currently I am watching it with what I can only assume is eighty two thousand other non-Americans. Right now I just have three American gorms on my screen, talking inanely about hot wheels, and pronouncing peoples names. I guess this is what happens when you just have to talk into the internet. (Aware of the irony)

Apparently Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have only met 5 times recently. I like to think each one breaks down in a good old fashion fencing duel. I personally think Obama is generally more likable than Romney, and I'm trying to speak outside of my wishy-washy liberal bias. Even if I was a rich asshole, I think I would find Mitt Romney's behavior being too cringe worthy of how society actually sees me. But that is just me, and unfortunately, I'll probably never be a rich asshole to find out. Oh well, at least I can stay up the entire night writing into an article box.

I should totally be recording this, but I think the power of editing being at my disposable is a massive gift, otherwise you might have to listen to me saying fuck over and over again. Ok, we have broken the 100,000 bracket. Now I have lots of people watching this with me. I might add pictures to this afterwards. That could be fun. Maybe of me and my inevitable mental collapse.

I'll be using this one a lot. Mental collapse. Romney. It is versatile.
(My shirt looks distinctly pink in these)

Ok, so this Republican guy is talking about 'introducing Mitt Romney'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the last month. That seems a bit late. Also, I like the fact they are being honest that this is really to impress the few indecisive people who haven't decided. As I was told in US politics A-level, the Presidential debate rarely wins over decided voters. Some would make you wonder what all the fuss is. Well, so I learnt today, it generally changes the polls by 3%, and if my facts are correct (Almost definitely not) it is currently only at 7% margin, so I guess it could kind of count.

Oooh, here we go! DING DING DING....FIIIIIIIGHT!!

Yes, I need a hair cut, and to lose the middle parting...Politics people, Politics!

Blah Blah Blah, Lehrer talks stuff we already know. Nothing is bias, laying out the terms of the debate. Governing is the topic of the evening, and their differences. Two minutes closing statements. Audience has to stay silent, I don't have to though, every so often, I will yell really loudly at the screen.

I've also decided to take some pictures of myself, the first two are already down. Ok, they've walked on stage. Ahh yes "A coin toss". Good work Mr President, luck is on your side. Oh fuck, He is talking about his wife, I was criticising  people for this earlier today. Damnit Obama! Oh, it is their anniversary, I suppose that is acceptable.

He is saying "Hey, it isn't that bad, it was pretty bad, now it is fine. I did great, have a beer, take a chill pill, bash a Mormon". Oh, he mentioned the wars, and how he ended them. Swwwwwiiiiinng. (Warning, elongation of words may occur).

Governor Romney's turn. "Blah, we love you Denver, congratulations Mr President, you get to spend your anniversary here with me". Now he is saying about a woman who grabbed his arm, and another woman whose husbands has lost a ton of jobs.

Ok, so far, this is just the same kind of rhetoric, because they aren't communicating, where is the blood. I want blood! Huh. Obama just tweeted, that should definitely count negatively, apathy and social networking in one swing (I'm aware it wasn't him)

Ok, now they are talking directly. Obama goes for the education, he swings, ooh, mentions tax rates, and loopholes. TAX RATE NEGATED. (Mortal Kombat Voice).
Me, happily in my liberal bubble. 

"We need more fuel, we both agree on this, except the Red Baron, he wants death to all man kind" -Obama.
Easy to agree on subjects so far. A shame really.

Yay, specifics, that sounds brutal. And yay, asking the president directly. 5 Trillion dollar tax cut. "I don't have a tax cut...Of the scale you are talking about" *sneaks away*. Yes, we get it, you both really like the middle class. And the Romney combo begins, A, B, Right Trigger, Left Trigger, A, A, A...Fatality. See, who says I'm bias.

Feels like Romney has been talking for my entire mortal coil. "If I'm President, I'll burn coal, I'll mine it, I'll build offshore oil rig, hell yeah, I told you I was a card carrying Republican".

"Any language to the contrary is incorrect...So naah!". -Romney.

See, isn't this one useful. (This was me at the use of the words "Clean Coal")

"When people have money, businesses do well" - Obama.

"When you add up all the income and deductions, you don't come close enough to meeting the 7 trillion you want to cut, you'll burden the middle class family". -Obama. Ooh, nice, "this isn't my opinion, this is the economists opinion".

"Everything he said is a lie officer!" -Romney. God, he is talking in such cryptic kind of, crouching tiger hidden bullshit.

"I saw a study! You saw a study! All these studies said things convenient to our causes, so lets agree to ditch the studies". -Romney on studies and being specific.

"Do you challenge Mitt Romney calling you a liar?" -Jim
"Yes, he is a back peddling cretin your honour" -Obama, in Atticus Finch pose.

Used...too many...bad puns and metaphors. Energy levels low.

"We can both agree that we like making voters happier" -Obama.
"No, we both agree we like to promise to make voters happier" -Romney.

"Donald Trump is a small business in Romney's eyes" -Obama. It would be better if people could laugh, it makes every joke seem flat.

9:19pm EST - Obama mentions Clinton for the first time, points rise by 3%.

"I talked to a guy with a small business, he probably doesn't exist. And you taxed 50% of this mans make believe money".
"I don't want to cost jobs, I love jobs! Jobs are great. If I keep saying Jobs, and working" -Romney.

Obama seems to be going on the same drum here. Just saying 7 trillion over and over again. Which Romney refutes. I'm not sure who comes off worse from that. If Romney is flat out lying, then god damn.

Clinton again! *drinks*. Get that guy back, he didn't mind attacking a republican, he would've MINCED Romney.

Monster, good for the soul. 

Re-energize your Partisan Gridlocked Congress.

"Magnificent country". Bonus Marks there.

Also, on a side note, #MittLies is currently trending on twitter. I will look at it when I can. Trying to keep up with typing at the moment. This will probably be unintelligible. 

"What are the differences between the two of you, on the deficit". *rubs hands*

"How do we deal with it...I won't tell you my plan, but trust me, I have one!" -Romney (warning, may be a out right lie)

"Raising taxes slows growth, I want to pay off the deficit with monopoly money, and a tricky dick funbuck!". -Romney. 

I'm not even joking
"I love Big Bird" - Romney.Probably the only 100% accurate quote in here.
Beautiful. Mitt Romney, the man who wants to kill Elmo
Some hilarious statistics. Oooh, "we know where it came from". Former administration Puuuuuuuunch!!!

Romney keeps looking at Obama in a very strange way, I'm going to try playing porn music over it. See where it gets me.Obama is just cutting through the Romney Lie Machine at the moment, I count this as my break time.

"I'm not going to take any responsibility. But I think the president should have done wah, wah wah" -Romney.
"You've had four years" -Romney
"Yes, and you assholes have been blocking me for four years" -Obama.

"I'm not going to raise taxes, you shouldn't raise taxes." Taxes. Taxes. Middle Class. Taxes.

"Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others" -Romney (Speaking of the Simpsons)

"The path to Spain!" -Romney. Clearly europhobic, Why isn't Obama attacking him, he has so much to be attacked over, and not even a dislike of Spain, just everything. Flip-flops, vagueness, blagh. Refuses to explain his plans. Clinton!

Haha, it feels really strange that they are both making jokes into thin air. "If you own a corporate jet, you can probably afford to pay freight".-Obama,isolating jet owners, bold move.

Oh hey, Obama's first made up person, a teacher from somewhere or another, whose school is apparently lacking chairs and books. I think he was in a sports hall. "Severe hardship BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, no growth" -Obama. *Republican Media: Obama cares more about growth than about severe hardship of the people*

We have a new hilarious tweet trend. "Did Romney" with a variety of things Mitt Romney might just have done. "This is not the kind of policy you should have" (because its better than mine, so time to belittle it like a small, spoilt child)"

So wait, Romney doesn't support Simpsons Bowles, but yet criticises Obama for not following it. Amazing. I wish it was the 60s, so they were both being very careful about not speaking complete bullshit.

"I want to take about social security and medicare...And then medicare, because you cut me off mother****er" -Obama 

"I owe my life to medicare, I'd sell my skin for it, had I not already done so" -Passionate Southern Obama.

God, me trying to be funny is painful. I doubt anyone will read this far.

"We aren't effecting you, old people, go away, keep voting republican". -Romney.

And now Romney makes up some stuff about the sorry state HIS PARTY has left Medicare in, and paint it like it is Obama's fault. Now Obama strikes back, with some crazy mad skills. 

Ooooh, Grandmother, KO, well played, fore!! *Other sporting terms*. 

Hey, AARP, that overly powerful group they are both pandering too, along with the middle class. What happened to all that lovely minority pandering from 4 years ago. 

Awww, he has become fond of Obamacare. That is nice. 

Where is the 47%? Come on, say the words, say the words. Percent, Percent!
"Or they can get a private plan...If you can afford it, I got money, I don't care" - Romney *Romney then proceeded to jump on his little desk and shake his ass* (Once again, stories may be enhanced).

So Obama has said Reagan  and Romney, Clinton, both in positive manners. The mental game of chess continues.

Jim Lehrer. "Fuck you guys, let me speak, behave".

"Regulation is good, regulation is bad. I'll say whatever you want me too!" -Romney.
"I don't want to commit to anything right now",

haha, Jim Lehrer- "Lets not".

It is exactly like a drunk fencing match. Both try and stab, both say they didn't get stabbed. Actually, scratch that, it is like a game of cowboys and Indians, where they argue over who shot who and who is dead.

"I didn't want to repeal Dodd Frank" -Romney (who wanted to repeal Dodd frank).

I now realise what a fool I have been, I ONLY needed this picture.

"Deliciously, when you look at Obama care, I can baselessly slag it off" -Romney.
"I want to put that money back in Medicare, unelected boards, evil tsar Obama wants your kidneys" -Romney.

Haha, and now we move onto the fact that the insurance system is corrupt as fuck, and that Mitt Romney loves that, because he and his buddies can pay for it. While Obama's can't (Stop me if I'm being too bias here)

"Please tell the president why you think he is shit" Jim Lehrer
"With pleasure" -Romney
"Yes, go on Whiteboy!" -Obama.

Wow, the viewing rate has dropped to 41k. Shame on you...Someone, I don't even know which demographic watches this thing on youtube. Lots of crazy Europeans I hope. I'll start a brotherhood.

And now we take about the state of Massachusetts, and not in the same way the Dropkick Murphy's did. That might actually be cool/fun/not boring.

Michael Moore seems to think that Obama is losing, while the rest of democrat twitter believe the opposite.  

Jim Lehrer needs to grow a pair.

More Medicare, More Medicaid, More Obamacare. They're arguing over specifics at the moment. 

Repeal Romney they call him. Not Replacement Romney. Repeal now, think later.

You know, this mess is the perfect example of why we should keep the NHS, saves so much time, and air. David Cameron, learn your lesson.

I like to think that Obama has the FBI on stand to shoot Romney when he says his 1000th lie of the debate. Like a very polite, passive, SAW.

"I used to bankrupt hospital and medical care suppliers. They seemed to cope just fine with it, why rob me of my fun" -Romney.

Big Bird is still trending #So40minutesago.

"Well governor...Fuck you!" -Obama. I'm not sure if this is going well for him. He needs to bring out the big words. 47%.

"I have to respond to that". No Mitt, you really don't. "Go back home, stop being entitled a bitch" -Me.

I might just be getting tired now. Just keep correcting each other, its like Inception. We need to go deeper into the lie.

I thought he was going to mention Osama then, but nope. And no 47% either. God Damnit man, you are a wreck. Oooh, Civil War. Beautiful. Lincoln. Ok, I tuned out, I'm not sure if we are still on the civil war. I guess 100k Math teachers would be a few too many for the civil war period. Unless they can use a rifle.


Ahh, the constitution, "I pursue happiness...happiness is money right?". -Guess Who

God, just letting Romney talk and talk, and they are eating it up I'd wager. Come on Obama, stop acting so wimpy. Kick...Some...Ass! *Slams head on table*. 

There we go, witty joke. Good, need more witty jokes, and statistics.
"It wasn't very detailed, this seems to be a trend" *Insert ZIIIIING here*

It is nice, whenever Obama does have an example of something the Romney administration has done, his response decrease dramatically.

Why isn't the Obama man making all the good speeches... =[

"You don't own your OWN jet and mansion boy, I do!".

"I'm all in favour of green-jobs, but not enough to give them money".
Wow, even I couldn't take that turn around, on schools before my brain could put it together.

God, so much overrunning, and it was nearly all Mitt Romney's fault. This has been an annoying debate from start to finish.

Ok, I literally can't write what Romney is saying right now.  I have a great picture to sum up my feelings.

You guessed what picture I was thinking of

And now Obama is saying truths. I seriously don't think I'm being bias here, I'm sorry. I tried, the man is a pig and a cretin. I accept I might be bias, but fuck it, it is the right bias.

Finally, Obama kept going when they tried to stop him. 

God, stop stumbling, you are suppose to be a good orator!

Hmm, Romney actually picked to get the last word. Fucking hell, mentally crashing. Next picture might be of me covered in blood. Fuck. He says y'know.

Yay, middle class. Promising, fighting just as hard.
"Thank you for tuning in this evening"...No, thank you Porky Pig.

"I like the middle class" -Obama.
"No he doesn't" -Romney.
For some reason, this seems to be the entire debate. I guess he is so sure of the minority vote now.

Ok. Romney's ending speech has ended, was shallow, Ideological Predictable. 

Next one is Biden/Ryan. Hopefully Jim has been long since fired for that one. Can't wait for that. Another late night.

*Punditocracy. Great word there ABC.
If such a thing existed, I would be a serf for sure.

Overall, Mitt Romney was unspecific as hell, he interrupted like a child. Overall, he probably won in the eyes of the American public. Obama doesn't appear to be able to defend his own achievements.
Obama did poorly, I don't think he did that poorly.

I think because no-one changed the game, Mitt Romney seems better off, because if anyone was going to land the hammer, it was Obama. 
Apparently Fox isn't declaring Romney the winner, which is weird. I think you will agree.

Describing this debate as cordial is a laugh. I don't think I've got much more to say, this has already gone on too long. I'm going to reread it now and then again tomorrow. If you have made it this far, you are amazing. I applaud you. 

Peace out guys. Hope you enjoyed the perspective across the pond. I know I had fun belittling what could be a serious turning point in history if that Nut gains anything from this.


  1. Yes enjoyed very much - you must be exhausted after that. I like Barack Obama, he comes out with eloquent things like 'change comes about because ordinary people do extraordinary things' - i love that. In contrast, Mitt Romney is an oik who is about as eloquent as a lawn mower. Lets hope the american people can see through the hideousness that is Mitt Romney.

  2. That was dedication. Impressed