Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Internet Porn: A Review. Gaping Open The World's Biggest Non Issue

IN CASE YOU HADN'T GUESSED, THIS ARTICLE IS ABOUT PORN. THERE'S NO EXPLICIT IMAGES OR ANYTHING, ASIDE FROM SOME MILD SHOCK HUMOUR, BUT IF YOU ARE REALLY THAT PATHETIC TO EVEN HESITATE, THEN PLEASE VIEW WITH PRECAUTION

The test of civilization is its estimate of women”. George William Curtis wrote this to describe the conditions of what makes a stable civilisation. I think he's wrong. There is only one empirical fact which correlates with a civilisation becoming more stable and that is sadly the number of times people jack off a day. Cavemen were busy hunting for food and surviving. There was a struggle and lack of material and so inevitably masturbation was not on the top ten of things to do in any given day. If anything it was stifling as the desire to breed and pass on genes was far more important. Those who did masturbate did so into decline, their genetic code wanked away into oblivion. The Romans had a world to conquer, the peasants of Medieval Britain had the plague and since that's the only history I know I'll end this misinformed recount of civilisations through time.

During this article I will be attempting to clean up the internet using Paint and a little elbow grease. I hope you find these works both aesthetically and morally pleasing


But now here in the sparkling golden age, internet and all, we have time to trap ourselves away, fire up a pc and go crazy as many times a day as we want. Finally freedom and liberty are in no short supply when it comes to self loving time. So why has porn become such a widespread big hitter in the last decade or so. Well three reasons: It's easy to get hold off, there's a massive selection to have and worst of all because of seemingly indifferent piracy protection it's free. But does actually come at a cost, not a shallow financial one, but a moral one?

To be perfectly honest I don't care. Even if porn production was shut down tomorrow I have more than enough to ever watch in several lifetimes. So we're not going to talk about that here due to sheer indifferent ignorance. I don't ask how humanely my Christmas turkey killed and I don't question how good at parenting my pornstar's father was. When people take photos of themselves drunk or with their tits out and put it on facebook we call them idiots. When someone contractually agrees to get pounded in the ass, paid for it and it gets on the internet we call them exploited. At least they got a paycheck out of it. It's porn. If you watched it and then went and did it as a job, you're an idiot. If you didn't watch it and then went and did it as a job, you're an even bigger idiot.

But we're not talking about the porn, we're talking about the people behind the porn, but not the pornstars or crew or production company. Like any good family friendly website, we're talking about the people. You the viewer, that's who we're interested in. Today we're looking at why porn is depressing for us as a consumer. How it's ruined our lives, slowly carved us down into lesser human beings than we were years before and why ultimately it doesn't matter because at the end of the day you get to watch porn for free. You live the easiest lives and grandest lives that have ever been experienced by any person in the history of the human race, this is a golden age and sure the gold is plated on and what has been plated in just a giant statue of a fat guy with a burger in one hand and a mini bobble head prophet Mohammed (not pictured) in the other hand, it's a great time to be alive. And that's why today we're going to complain about all of it, because it's so easy there's really not much else to do.
Let me give a background so you can understand my credentials. I first came to understand that porn existed in the late 90s. I had come across some magazines and thought nothing of it. Then Lara Croft came around and those blocky, rectangular hips stirred a feeling deep inside, like a hobo awaking from a long white spirit induced sleep, emerging from his piss stained cardboard box into a biting spring morning air. It had come. The awakening. Luckily like most people here today I had grown up during the internet era, received a laptop on a year sometime during the mid naughties and plunged straight in.

I didn't even understand what sex was, but typing it into Google I was immediately guided to a website featuring a DP. Abit much for a first time expedition, like doctor Livingstone stumbling on all the seven wonders of the ancient world and a DP in the same day. That kind of mind blowing. My memory from this point is sketchy but I basically remember world events progressing in this manner: Me receiving a laptop, DP, 9/11, tabs introduced into internet explorers, double anal, HD video streaming and me writing this article. Although my life is somewhat jaded in my head, I have learnt many things and these mostly are observations as to the nature of porn and the terrible effect it has had on my life, and how it has changed itself.

The invention of tabs I'm sure was a blessing to all. It cut down processing power and meant that we could save all that pesky time on returning to desktop and clicking shortcuts on more important things. As processing power improved, browsers became more efficient and internet speeds became faster, it was only up from here. But there is a dark side to this and one I came to realize very unfortunately. The more porn you are able to go on clearly has the added consequence of making you go on more of it. Now I have always been a man to save cookies, never delete my internet history. Type from A-Z into my google or web address search bars and what unravels before you is a horrible list of why humanity should be made extinct if there was a god benevolent enough to do so, although my fear is he also has a porn addiction and is only keeping us around so we can create even weirder shit. 

Open just one and you stare into the eyes of God

Years ago, people could keep their fantasies and secrets safe. It was in the privacy of your mind and aside from many a few closely guarded photos and a VHS tape or two, no one could see the inner workings of your mind. But now just by clicking one button a person can understand you clearer than any interrogation or therapist could ever drill out of you. They could stare into the void and the void would show them a giant oiled up ass for their troubles. So when an invader, or lets admit it for the story's sake a parent should happen upon your computer two things should be taken into question. Why the hell didn't you delete your history you moron? And what will they think of their baby boy now? Not much apparently. I can tell our relationship has been increasingly drained since that event. They now understand what they produced all those years ago. My mum now doesn't remember the soft kicks in her belly as a sentimental memory of the miracle of life as her sweet child brewed patiently, waiting to emerge onto a beautiful, mysterious world. Those kicks have now turned to scratches and where my conception once was, now she just recalls the devil rape scene of Rosemary's baby. Porn ruins families and allows for any sick thought you had, you now have to be accountable for, because as soon as you thought of it, you didn't lock it away into a repressed disgusting part of your mind. You Google searched it.

It even destroys the past as well. The future is as far as I'm concerned a wasteland. Nothing ever good happens and the longer you spend on Earth the mor time it seems that people can clock you out, hate you more and screw you over till you eventually die. But the past, that's a haven. There's a reason why nostalgia only works for the past. It's because the future is uncertain and can only get worse. The past only improves like a fine wine. Obviously it was a little too good, so internet porn came in to wreck stuff as it usually does. And I don't mean that it literally travels back in time and shows your parents your internet searches so they can abort you before it's too late. No what it does is takes all your favourite childhood things and taints them in some way. It's all down to curiosity. Remember the 'Jetsons', the 'Flintstones', 'Scooby Doo' and even the 'Snorks'. Remember when Disney was good, every tale was a classic romance of the princess trying to find her fated lover. Try and recall that innocent memory when each glimpse of a cartoon redirects you to the same image but with an increased amount of fisting and tears. Jesus what the hell is wrong with me? I just couldn't help. Yes of course Jasmine was attractive, and yes of course I wanted to see her in a sexier light, but Jesus. I didn't want this. Not this. Inevitably you will seek out your childhood fancies and animated crushes in a lustier light. How could you not? But all you will find is a cheap five minutes a lifetime of corrupted regrets, and it's all your and internet porn's fault. Go on, go to Google images and type in 'The Simpsons' with safe search of it. You'll see it before you even hit double figures.

Once you understand the anagram, you can never look back

And it's one of the few activities where things need to get more extreme. Like the first porn you watched or saw was probably some tits or if you're a women then (actually I have no idea what women count as first porn. Guess I'll never know). But anyway it's basic. But why is there basic with porn. Even when it gets to a dick in a vagina which is you know, all it's supposed to be, then it becomes not enough. Then it's in an ass, then it's in latex, then it's a hollowed out watermelon that you're pissing in while your leather bound partner drinks from it in a siphoned hose that splits off between her mouth and ass while she gargles that shit in a Spanish dialect. Four years of masturbation and that's where I'm up to. God knows what the hell it'll be like in twenty years. On the other hand with an activity or function like eating. I ate Spaghetti Bolognese as one of the first meals I ever ate. Still love the hell out of it today. Would happily never eat another thing. Sure you can have spicy, but the stuff that you eat always is nutritious or tasty, it benefits you in some way. If a doctor can back up that gaping is good for the body then fine, but until then my argument stands. I suppose if anything watching porn has a similar effect to drug addiction more than anything. Magazines are the gateway. But it's really on a thing as amazing as the internet could bring us an increasingly ridiculous product. People aren't using the internet to find more dangerous foods to eat (well expect people who just like spicy shit) but they are looking for how many more things can fit in fewer places.

It also fulfils your needs too effectively. At any point you can have anything, masturbate to it and then you're done. Whatever you wanted before you masturbated, whatever feeling was unfulfilled. Maybe you were a virgin and felt that it was time to get laid. Maybe you wanted to get laid and in doing so find a girlfriend, get married, start a family and go on to live a happy and joyous life. It doesn't matter now because you just came. Depression may hit after several moments and if anything debilitate you even further in achieving any of your goals. No one ever wanted a gourmet meal after eating a Mcdonalds, instead they were just full. You're in the same state, bloated with depression and packed with indifference.

This one was so cleaned up it now lies on a Spiderman sub-Reddit. 
But what horror lies beneath?

Every porn video even has a share button now. I'm not even sure if you're allowed to post pornographic material on twitter or Google+, but there's an option to do so regardless. Internet porn wants you to think that sharing porn is cool just because there's a specially crafted button there which makes it look like the professional and social thing to do. It's not. It's just trying to infect the world with your help as its slave. Regardless, sharing porn is really lame, please don't do it.

So there we have it. Internet porn ruins families, your hobbies, your preferences and even time itself. It corrupts you over time and drives you tow ant more horrendous acts done simply for the sake of your own pleasure. It makes you a psychopath. I'm not even worried for me anymore, I'm a lost cause. But what world will my children be born into. It is them, them I fear for. I can only thank god that I had a fetish for having my balls crushed with stilettos and so thankfully after one particularly active session, I no longer need to fear this.

But in the end of it who cares. As long as we stick to the old 'Jackass' rule of “Do not try this at home”, the park, the airport or anywhere outside of a screen then you're fine.  Watch away. No harm ever came to anyone from just watching stuff.

Oh

3 comments:

  1. Terry Pratchett once said (though not necessarily on the subject of watching porn but you can adapt it)..'its not worth doing something unless someone somewhere would much rather you werent doing it'.

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  2. Just for the record, i dont think you are a psycopath. I think the fact this is such a popular site says something about how normal you are.

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  3. I really enjoy simply reading all of your weblogs. Simply wanted to inform you that you have people like me who appreciate your work. Definitely a great post. Hats off to you! The information that you have provided is very helpful.

    ReplyDelete