Monday, 10 September 2012

Crusader Kings 2 A Game of Thrones Mod Part 2: The Madness of Jon Arryn

After the mild success of the very unworthy first part of this series, which was mainly designed as a test, I've decided to do a fuller, more detailed humourous playthrough of everyone's favourite Game of Thrones mod.

This time I started playing as Jon Arryn, but quickly decided that trying to be the most power hungry Arryn was definitely the way to go. Find out how Old Man Mountain does in his decent into madness

Click any image to enlarge
The year is apparently 8284, but we think that is just Jon Arryn hallucinating. A much more accurate guess is it is the year 284, Robert Baratheon just set up an entire saga's worth of events when he killed the king and the majority of his dynasty, and now Jon Arryn quietly waits around so he can die at the beginning of the saga. His goal in the meantime, forcing himself to sleep with Lysa Tully.

The fine Arryn genes shine through here, as we see that every single member of Jon Arryn's direct  family is dead at this point, his heir? Robbie B of course, that would've been a hilarious subplot to book 1.

Jon Arryn walks into his council and starts calling Petyr Baelish Petyr Littlefinger, obviously Lord Baelish is too polite to correct this error, he also forgets Yohn's surname, so nicknames him 'the bronze'. Content with a productive council session, he prances away to go find someone else to rename incorrectly.

The source of Littlefinger's badassness? Only having a dad. (24, 29, Christ what a talented guy)

Upon yelling "I am not a bug" followed quickly by a quiet "ignore me", Jon Arryn's mental stability is further flung into question. Robert and Ned start visiting less often.

Robert, deciding that this universes Jon Arryn is too retarded for Hand of the King, appoints him Master of Laws. A role I'm fairly sure we have never seen do anything. 

Jon Arryn is then informed by a giant floating character sheet in the sky (So he claims) that Daenerys Targaryen is still alive. He proceeds to tell Mord his plans of marrying her to his son, or possibly just him, because after 45 years of breeding time, it isn't looking likely. 

Then Jon Arryn did have 5 startlingly realistic giant statues of his Councillors built over the Eyrie, a universally hated idea from start to finish.

After only 2 years of continuous procreation with Lysa, Jon Arryn finally pulls it together and manages to conceive.

It appears Jon Arryn isn't the only one losing it in the terrible wait for the first book. Robert 'The drunkard' has imprisoned Eddard Stark, and the regency has gone to Roose Bolton. Well damn, I'm sure Robb will do just fine.

But who cares the two people Jon Arryn treasures most being at odds, he just had a daughter, who, for completely no reason on my behalf, was called Alayne. May she be the one thing in this world that is better than the actual canon.

Problems with your Hedonism? Don't go to Will Ash, he'll only steer you in the wrong direction.
Call 1-800-Iron-Throne for your local bastard drunkard.

And so at the first available opportunity, Jon Arryn convinces the Braavosi sealord that he wants to marry Alayne matrilineally to Viserys Targaryen, as part of a generational master scheme to take over the seven kingdoms. (In his madness, Jon doesn't stop to think he will be long long dead before any of this ever happens)

And how does Robert act to this mighty betrayal? Something that would threaten the very foundations of his reign? Why he imprisons Hoster Tully, another staunch ally, and lets Jon Arryn rot in the Eyrie, considering it a much more fitting punishment I imagine. The kingdom groans.

Lysa then tells Jon she wants Five Children, a terrifying prospect for Jon, and an unrealistic goal if you consider that the man is ancient and most likely near infertile.

And so with the prospect of another 20 years having to produce 5 children with Lysa, he decides to finish the job himself, and throws himself

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