Friday, 10 August 2012

The Most Depressing Thing I Ever Saw On TV


The news is filled with terrible images all the time. From burning woodland to acts of violence and raped children, it can only bring you down. But out of all of these things, it isn't the news that's the saddest thing occurring on TV between the hours of 10 and 11, and whatever other times the news shows at. To be honest I don't even watch the news, but where would a pointless and ill informed internet blog be without misinformation.

So anyway, listen up, or read more strained, or whatever the equivalent is. Let's get to the crux of this set-up.


The real horrors lie between the lines, or in the context of a television show, in the adverts. But I'm not here to just complain about advertising. How it's destroyed our culture and is slowly sodomising our society with its bad stereotype role reversal jokes and smug kids bullying their parents to breaking point in order to get more sweets and toys.

In fact the complete opposite is true to me. Adverts to me are like small films, snippets of art, which are if anything too short. A lot of the time they're better than the shows that sandwich them and I refuse to understand why there isn't an award show for these little miracles. Not only are they informative, but they can be interesting, entertaining and even create hate figures that will have people talking for years to come.

"Now I am Become Death"- Rt Hon Lord Chris Smith, Head of The Advertising Standards Authority

But what's really the worst quality of adverts isn't that the characters/mascots involved are trying to make you like them within the few seconds that they have your attention. Nor that they try too hard to be overly entertaining during your first meeting like a class clown or hooker. What’s worst about them is that they are the lowest rung on the acting ladder. Now you can try and convince me that Wynne Evans' performance as the Go Compare opera man is impressive, and I would agree.



I'd also like to congratulate Mr Evans on his new album reaching number one in the UK charts
You may be a big hit now Wynne, but you'll always be a D list celebrity annoyance to me.

But every shitty or great actor working today has stemmed from them, from Robert De Niro to Vinnie Jones, all have had to swim through the shit stink sewerage of advertising to reach considerably greener pastures on the other side. Well maybe not Vinnie. He's just treading for now. The difference is that these actors went somewhere and that makes their advertising careers just a side note and perfectly fine. But what if it's the only life you know and the limbo you find yourself in is one you never escape.

What if purgatory doesn't end with heaven, but just a Mcdonalds advertisement.


These are the actors who never escaped the adverts. These men were young men once, intent on being Oscar winners or great Thespians, and now here they are in a Mcdonalds advert dressed like gimps to sell burgers and talking about how they want to both screw the GGILF that they're looking at. She doesn't get a picture because honestly, she's also in their predicament and it saddens me too much to show her failure of a face.

There's nothing wrong with not succeeding at dreams or getting to your desired place in life. I'm sure these two tried plenty hard. Hell I'm 46 and wanted to be a pornstar; but my aspirations were too big and my dick too small. I have tried to make a joke about how it's the other way round, but the tears make it impossible for me to see the keys clearly.

All I really wanted to say here was that the next time you see a bad advert or even a good one, any advert around, just hope that it doesn't have an old person in it. In that old person's eyes, you will see a lifetime of failure and forgotten dreams. Their greatest acting role to date will be playing a stereotype of an old man, that some small fuck face kid is probably skate boarding around, firing a Nerf gun at his saggy nutsack and yelling at him about how he's too lame to drink the new panda pop flavour.

IT COMES IN 5 VARIETIES NOW BIATCH! WORD.

Remember the old people in adverts, not just to bow your head whenever they're on screen and truly respect the full crushing reality of just how disappointing of a road a life can take. Remember to view an old man like a starving African child and pray, and be thankful, that you're not in their position. And then turn over cause it's boring and putting you off your dinner.

2 comments:

  1. I know that the cute little flame in the EDF adverts wanted to be an olympic flame once but got stuck advertising EDF energy. Thats why he looks so sad in the one where its raining.

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  2. This made me ever so slightly depressed.

    Good work I guess

    ReplyDelete