How Long Until This Film Kills Me? A Fun Game For All The Family.

A long time ago I came to realize, as I'm sure everyone began to notice, that characters in movies get away with a lot of stuff. Most notably in action films, but even heading into the romantic comedy genres, characters do amazingly stupid, dangerous and ill thought out things and always live to the end of the film.

So we dream to be like these people, these great con artists who trick the world into thinking they're heroes or competent as the screenplay works around them like a caring hand, guiding them through to whichever tedious or mundane end game which they were always inevitably set to attain. The sad thing is however, that they are and will always be better than you. You could never attain their prize, because I assure you, that if you were in their position you would never make it to the end of the film. 

You

So the game is simple, put yourself in the position of a character or at least a prominent side character and utilising your own physical and mental ability, attempt to work out at which point you would die. Obviously it's cheating to pick a side character who is barely in it; like the pink elephants in 'Dumbo' or Himmler in 'Downfall'. A similarly dumb direction to go in would be any antagonist who will inevitably die at the end, unless you feel confident and think you could survive the final battle whatever it may be.

The main rules of the game then simply follow as:

1) You must be a character who is in some way a main character or associated with the main characters enough to be in the film for a substantial time period. At least around 20 minutes of screen time.

2) You must at all times only use powers and abilities which you yourself have. Just because your main character is all powerful, it does not mean you are. If you cannot back flip or shit gold in real life, then you can still not do these things.

3) You cannot say that you just wouldn't be in that situation. For instance, whenever a character monologues obliviously or does an obviously stupid thing like letting the hero or antagonist live for no reason e.g basically every action film ever, then you can only affect your situation when your on screen counterpart reacts to it. There will be no "I'd have not been anything he did up until this point" excuses. So choose carefully to avoid getting piss on your parade. 

The third rule can be up for debate as sometime characters really are way too thick to even be judged as sentient.

"When Gotham is ashes, then you have my permission to come and thwart me" - Moron

Once your character is selected you will quickly realize how incredibly difficult it is to survive any film. The action genre is immediately out. It would take a very cocksure prick to claim that he could achieve any of the feats that Neo or John McClain pull off. Also bare in mind during the game that you don't have any of the special powers dealt to the character. This is why the superhero genre is an immediate death trap. Whenever Neo does a flip or Superman takes a bullet to the eye, you either fall on your ass/ break your neck and look like an idiot, or you get your head blown in.

Even looking beyond action and superhero movies though, there are so many other fatal pits. Horror is an interesting one since you have to take your own mental strength into consideration, making it the hardest genre to judge. In reality most people would run around like a moron for a few minutes before either going insane or just getting outright decapitated by whatever spectre is chasing them.

This is me. I am currently shitting myself in what is a degrading last few moments

Family films are also strangely dangerous as well. I'd have never escaped Sid's room in 'Toy Story', never have found Maa and completed the sheep herding challenge to a satisfactory level and therefore not been turned into bacon in 'Babe'. Would anyone here really be able to say that they would've escaped the hunters and survived alone as Bambi?

Me

In fact strangely, it's much easier to survive as the antagonist in kid's films because you are not restricted by age rating. For instance you wouldn't melt as the Wicked Witch of the West in 'Wizard of Oz'. You'd just walk up all soaking wet, burn the damn scarecrow and hack the rest of them to death.

Rom Com's are similarly a strangely hard genre to survive. I, and many others can honestly admit that I wouldn't sleep with Richard Gere in 'Pretty Woman', which means no getting out of the hooker game for me, which means lots of STDs or just a regular old prostitute murder somewhere down the line. Rom Coms are especially dangerous because there are so many strangely death defying, not to mention unfunny physical comedy acts in lots of romances.

For instance during the film 'Just My Luck', a classic of which I'm sure we all remember starring Lindsay Lohan and the now Star Trek famous Chris Pine. In the film the two kiss and the good luck of Lohan is transferred to the bad lucked out Pine and vice versa. In the film Lohan gets electrocuted a total of 3 times, which is a lot for a human being to take and these are all prolonged exposures to mains electrical wiring which is pretty damn deadly. The characters get hit by cars and sent to prison which would end in most people either getting a head caved in or shanked up.

Anyway, I think I've gone on long enough about how deadly all the genres are, but it's a fun game to play and really demonstrates just how pathetic you are physically and mentality. It also highlights just how ridiculous every genre of film seems to be in how it treats its characters. This game, I suppose can also be turned into a drinking game, with a drink drunk every time your character would die. But I put as a warning already, please dear god don't play this game to Home Alone. That film is a messed up death trap

This is Joe Pesci sustaining one of several massive head injuries as a psychopathic child strikes him over the head with a bowling ball. 

There hasn't been a deadlier family treat than since the Mansons paid a visit to Mrs Polanski