Friday, 20 July 2012

Why The Dark Knight Rises Can Only Disappoint Me


      So the day is finally here, a day which me and the rest of humanity have been waiting for since that first teaser trailer, and even earlier when that cliffhanger left us with the inevitable and tediously long wait for the resolution which we all craved. I'm talking of course about the ending to Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy cum dump of a climax; 'The Dark Knight Rises'.

      It's Friday now here in England. In five short hours our American friends will get to see the Thursday night/Friday morning première of the film because they have better lives than we could ever hope to achieve. But it's just a short 23 hours until I can become like them, avoiding spoilers and trying to remain autistically dead to the world as I attempt to remain clear minded for when I finally get to join them on their superior level of humanity having watched the greatest film ever made.

      Dark knight fever has even spread so deep that transactions to go and see it have shifted from the fiscal to the sexual. This guy for instance used the relationship section on Craigslist, not to search for the woman of his dreams, but instead to find a partner to go with him to The Dark Knight Rises première in exchange for sex. Not just any old sex though, the man is very specific in that he also wants a blow, a suck (which I'm pretty sure are exactly the same thing), a fuck and also warns that he may also want his taint licked. Not only is the type of sex mentioned but also the longevity, that being a really long time, extending far into the night after you've seen the film.

The bad dick puns just write themselves

      Obviously, you don't just get a free Batman film out of it, with a secondary charge of your dignity. You can also have unlimited journeys to the snack bar, so hopefully you can eat enough liquorice straws and flying saucers to give you a sugary taste sensation that might detract from the taste of his taint, which you'll later be eating. The snack bar thing seems reasonably pointless however, since as soon as the films over he'll want to get down to fucking and since you've put yourself in the position of literally sucking the dick of a stranger for 8 pounds worth of cinema seat, then you'll probably be watching the film extremely intently. So I can't really think of a time when you'll be actually have a chance to go to the snack bar. All part of his genius plan I imagine.

      The sad thing is though, danger of getting murdered aside, if I were more fitting of his desired mating profile of being female and attractive then I would definitely go for this. I can't think of a film that I've been more excited to see in recent memory, aside from Inception, which makes me wonder whether or not I just love Nolan a little too much. Hell, I'm so excited I'd probably drink my own piss right here, right now and then lick a hundred taints to see that damn film.

      But this is what worries me. With people assuming that other people are excited enough about Dark Knight Rises to literally risk their lives and then have to fuck a stranger in order to watch a film at the IMAX, as well as people like myself who would be perfectly happy to do that. Can this film possibly live up to expectations? It's a mere day away now, and only another further one until I can get my late review out, which no one will care enough about to read or believe what I have to say. But I can't picture a world in which this film can live up to my expectations.

This film will only satisfy me if it either:
A) Is as good as I want it to be (which is the best film ever).
B) Is the worst film I've ever seen, with Batman hula hooping and a plot twist in which it turns out Bain's gas mask leads directly up his own ass just because he's into that.

      The film definitely can't be the former, so I guess now I have to walk into this movie hoping it's shit, even though I'm excited for it to be great.

      But all I'm really complaining about here is my own babyish excitement and the hype machine, which has for as long as word has spread about something, has sentenced things which should have just been good, to inevitable failure under a firing squad of its audience's own assumptions and over the top expectations. I can't think of many things which have ever survived the judgement of the hype machine and I think I'm about to witness another complete disappointment because of it. 

      Maybe I'll awake on Saturday to find that the preceding 'The Dark Knight' was simply a pleasant surprise and that it's supposed coming rise was in fact just a fall, but in some kind of weird gravity well.

No hype. No expectations. Solid product


  1. Replies
    1. He seemed to think so, I think the other two disagreed

    2. And continue to disagree until this very day

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