Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Disability: The Ultimate Weapon In The War Against Terror

      With two raids carried out by police on suspected terrorist activity this week, it seems the underlying fear of a terrorist attack at the 2012 London Olympic games is still strong in the national hive mind. It may have been the case that only one of the five raids against civilians undertaken by police was even remotely linked to terrorist activity at the Olympic games. One major raid carried out on a suburban home in the Stratford district of London, a mere mile and a half away from the main London Olympic stadium has been claimed by police as a significant prevention in the war against homeland terrorism. A second far more lacklustre raid was undertaken against a coach containing a lot of jittery old people and a guy smoking an electric cigarette believed to be bomb equipment.

      Whether or not any actual terrorist attacks are being prevented, which I hope they are because I have a bet with my grandmother that there won't be one, the fact remains that there is Al Qaeda fever sweeping the nation. It's one of the many events that precedes the Olympics along with the parading of the torch, road closures and forced patriotism. The slight pissing sting of Gonorrhoea, with the full blown infertility lying in wait to strike. Terrorism's the disease, it has everyone up in arms terrified and yet simultaneously flocking into potential mass grave stadiums to watch the games. The news treats it like an infection; “White Muslim”. You won't see that anywhere else, no mention of Black Christians or Albino Scientologists, because it's a shock to us, that its infecting our own people, inside agents all out to ruin everyone's fun day out. Smoker's pointed out on coaches and bets being placed on whether the whole thing will all go to hell or not (although on second thought I do feel bad betting a mere 20 quid to deny someone's chance of going to heaven. Seems pretty unbalanced).

      But with all the fear at the Olympic games being hit, there is one subset of this summer that is being completely ignored as a target: The Paralympic Games. And this isn't because the police feel that they've got a sturdy grip on the situation or that there's no danger of an attempted attack taking place. It's just that no terrorist would ever target the Paralympic games because it just wouldn't look good. Not that disabled people aren't worth killing. They're equally public and worthy targets and as long as you don't hit the paraplegic events there's just as many limbs to blow off. But the fact of the matter is that disabled people still have a disability and are socially still seen as having been dealt a bad hand, or leg. There's just an underlying atmosphere that to kill a disabled person is unfair or worse in some way. To even deny that you would first have to be equally happy to start a bar fight with someone who is able bodied and someone who is disabled, and it seems unlikely anyone could factor the difference out of the decision. It follows from the same logic that it's better to steal from the rich than steal from the poor. The situations aren't wholly fit for analogy, but I believe this is how people in general might think. When you go out, you go out in style with a killer rep. Do you take out the towers or a little chef. The choice, given that your legacy is on the line, seems too great of a decision to even risk it on you looking like more of an asshole than you already are.

      So what's my plan? You ask the oh great one, who has shown complete clarity and unbias in such apparently troubled and yet strangely stagnant times. Simple, you combine both of the Olympic events. No filtering or segregation, just all out Olympic fun for all abilities. Yes sure there might be a disadvantage, but there'll also be love and human bonding between all brothers. It will kill two birds with one stone. All the parents who fear for their children being born with a disability will now rejoice. Abortions will drop as all babies get an equal chance of seeing the light, as they come with not only the positives of unconditional love but also security for the whole family. It's a little, soft bundle of joy that saves, much like a fluffy 9mm or a more play-do like C4.

      And one day in the near future when we're all together as one, clinking our sippy cups and discussing the latest edition of Green Eggs and Ham, you'll thank men like me for bringing the human family home again.


  1. I totally agree with combining the olympic games, cant see why they dont run parallel to eachother. Not sure your average extremist has a conscience but hope you're right. What do you think now its all over?

    1. I'm only thankful that the Olympics are over and no longer clogging up the entire tv schedule. With BBC three only showing sport, where was I supposed to get my source of hatred for the day.

  2. Replies
    1. Didn't even think of it as an alternative. I've seen enough Simon Bird sitcoms and disabled dating docudramas to last me a lifetime.