I find it strange that in this crazy modern world where dictators are dropping like flies (more on my conspiracy theory later) and you have to wear a bloody hard hat on every construction site, that a man can still be scorned at for saying Coldplay is his favourite band. Their original, own brand, Radiohead-esque sounding shrill whine has now been with us for well over a decade. Frequently and almost inevitably every one of their albums and released singles gets to number one, sells millions and is played over any number of artificial sob stories on numerous talent shows ranging from Britain's got talent all the way to America's got talent. They're a band that is perfect for summing up mainstream joy, sadness and any other of the one or two emotions which they express through their music. But either way I like them.
Even with their recent release of 'Mylo Xyloto', though it borders on being too grand of a diversion from their original stuff, is in many ways a good thing and shows the band is clearly versatile after wallowing for at least an album at some point in the mid 2000s. The album is different, synthy, strangely upbeat and even more surprisingly not shit. But the band can certainly appear silly at times, although if you read the comments from any forum you wouldn’t believe that they were perceived as just a little bit silly and more retarded and scum of the Earthy.
Notice how JimdiGriz6 couldn't bear more than 2 minutes without criticizing Chris Martin
Their recent aesthetic of graffiti and freedom, appearing to be dressed as rebellious teenagers from a John Hughes film seems completely juxtaposed to the world Chris Martin has apparently tried to cram into his latest concept album. It’s set in a dystopian universe, filled with secret police, torture and violent gang control. But Mr Martin, spending most of his younger days in Devon seems to be quite disconnected to the idea of a dystopian, hellish universe and has inserted the idea of a resistant gang against a terrorising authority not fighting on the streets to the bitter end but instead graffiti-ing phrases like “cartoon heart” on buildings and describing themselves as having a “spray can soul”.
Watch any episode of Ross Kemp on gangs and I think you’ll find the goofy spray canning tom foolery is quickly replaced by gang rape as punishment and drug addiction to control their members. I guess the track ‘throat fucked in your face’ may have missed the original album launch, but hopefully we’ll catch it on next year’s follow-up EP ‘Viva la oh Jesus Christ my children are all prisoners of the sex trade’.
This man may not have a spray can soul but he does have a Uzi 9mm heart of darkness
But this is all fine, the songs are good and it just seems the genius world builders of Coldplay have screwed up one part of this, but at least we’re left with some good songs and pretty colours to make us forget. But oh Christ, it can only get worse. Apparently, Coldplay weren’t happy just making themselves look stupid once and I now have to agree with the critics that Coldplay has gone into loopy retarded territory. Chris Martin claims he is aware of the band’s reputation as sometimes laughable and attempts to do all he can to make them be taken more seriously.
So like any man on a mission to retrieve his dignity, both he and writer Mark Osbourne have set out to explore the dystopian horror of Mylo Xyloto’s world further through a six part comic series. The first issue will unfortunately be a limited release at this year’s Comic Con, which pains the human race to learn this gift is being kept from us as much as when Mexico selfishly hogged all that swine flu a few years back.
And now I hear you ask, but who is Mark Osbourne? Surely this man who Coldplay has hired to bring their world to life is a great writer who will bring Martin’s striking concepts to life on the page. Well actually Mark Osbourne has never actually written anything. He’s only been a story boarder on ‘Monsters vs Aliens’ and even more settling is that his finest work to date was directing ‘Kung Fu panda’, the harrowing story of Po the Panda (portrayed by the whirlwind Jack Black), who is sent out on a quest to save the valley of peace from the evil snow leopard Tai Lung who wishes to enslave all its occupants: Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie and Seth Rogen. The framework in Osbourne’s work is clearly already strong for the hefty challenge Mylo presents.
Mr Osbourne is even talking about a film deal and if the future prospect of a film poster proclaiming a new hit film; from the director of Kung Fu Panda with original ideas by Chris Martin, doesn’t get you wet then I don’t know what will.
You have to watch this on your way to hell
It’s likely though that the comic will flop, I’m not sure what the comic/Coldplay crossover is, but depressingly it’s likely that people will buy any old shite and it will sell well. Even I, who has been shitting over the idea this whole article, will probably buy it out of sheer curiosity. My main problem then is just that the very idea of Coldplay branching out and expanding a world is ridiculous and I'm surprised the band haven't been made aware earlier that this can only end badly.
Try to continue to bear in mind the absurdity of the fact that this is an idea from Coldplay
But maybe this is all part of Coldplay’s genius over-arching art piece. In the Mylo Xyloto franchise (it’s depressing I now have to say that), they’ve created a strange world, crumbling at the foundations, crammed with absurdity and yet here we are on our own planet, ten years on from the inception of Coldplay, a small band with a one hit wonder, now facing a film and comic created by them and the creative team behind Dreamwork’s lack-lustre animated division.
What madness is this? What fools we were for letting the infection spread this far.
It would be easier for the Devil to go to church and cross himself with holy water than for these people to comprehend the ideas which are accepted facts to us today.
Hitler’s statement after his premonition of Coldplay’s multimedia spread; Berlin, 10 December 1940.